The Thread of Atrocious Advice

[magic_moose]

Whenever you see a mess, grab them by the necks and rub their noses in it.

What is the best way to provide a corporate VP with video conferencing in two days while spending almost no money?

[Nolano]

Go steal webcams, and if you don't have broadband, steal that, too.

I'm having difficulty finding a time to set up a date with my girlfriend.... What can I do?

[remistress]

having difficulty finding a time to set up a date with my girlfriend.... What can I do?

Find a clever way to call whatever you're planning on doing already.

Example: "Honey, you know what would be really unconventional? Let's go on a date to the grocery store. I know how much you like food!"

How do I escape this pretty crumy day?

[matt9476]

Step 1: open mouth
Step 2: insert loaded gun
Step 3: pull trigger
Voila, you're in heaven.

How can I stretch out 10 minutes worth of work over the next two and a half hours?

[parrythis]

Tie your left hand behind your back. Turn around and look at your computer screen with a mirror that is held in your right hand. Type with one finger using the hand that is tied behind your back. Every time you make a mistake, hop around the office on one foot.

How do I convince the company that I work for to pay me even if I never actually come to work?

[Epee_Pox]

How do I convince the company that I work for to pay me even if I never actually come to work?

Just improve your grammar, and you'll be golden. For example, you should have said "I work for to get paid," not "I work for to pay me."

I am too embarrassed to ask for advice. What should I do?

[magic_moose]

My goodness! You've just done it. There. You don't have to ask any more.

I want to make sure I get the absolutely perfect gift for everyone on my list. How do I do this?

[remistress]

I want to make sure I get the absolutely perfect gift for everyone on my list. How do I do this?

Get them exactly what you got them last year; you can't improve on perfection.

How do I afford Christmas presents without any money?

[magic_moose]

They always say that a gift of yourself is the better than "things". So give a bit of yourself. A finger here, a toe there, some hair to Aunt Minnie, perhaps slice of carpaccio to a favorite nephew....

What is the best way to get some extra money for that extra special gift?

[erik_blank]

What is the best way to get some extra money for that extra special gift?

Sell part of your spleen. After all, the thing justs sits there and does nothing of great use, so I'm sure that you won't notice it missing at all. While your'r at it, perhaps selling small portions of your breain and heart could go a ways towards getting more $$$ for christmass presents. Remember - To be patriotic, we must continue to spend and spend and SPEND so that the Terrorists won't win!

How do I deal with a middle manager that just can't be bothered to learn simple IT proceedures like what his username, Password and domain are?

[magic_moose]

Get him to read all the pages on the MS website on how AD forests, trees, etc. work. Then he will truly understand. If not, turn him into an expert in registry hives. If that fails, explain .dll registration and isolation. Then give him your job.


How can I tell if I have spent enough to keep the terrorists at bay?

[erik_blank]

How can I tell if I have spent enough to keep the terrorists at bay?

If you still have any available Cash/Credit/and or unsold body parts then you have not done enough! Perhaps you can sell members of your family friends and neighbors into indentured servitude to the oil companies?

It takes too much $$$ to fill up my Kia Sedona's gas tank, but I can't fit my family of 5 into a standard compact Sedan. given that information, how can I re-shingle my neighbors roof without them knowing I'm doing it?

[Nicksmom]

have them drive your kids around. then you dress up like Santa

how do I get my daughter to stop using my socks

[parrythis]

Hide a dead mouse in each one of them.

How can I get an all expense paid vacation to Hawaii?

[Nicksmom]

join the navy

how do I get couch lump to get me a good Christmas gift?

[matt9476]

Withold sex from him until he gets you what you want.

How should I entertain my two nephews tomorrow?

[Dr Epee]

Couple of doobies and a gallon of cheap vodka should do it.

What do I do about an annoying rectal itch?

[Nicksmom]

use a coat hanger or barbed wire as toilet paper

how can I get rid of a headache

[D'Art]

Divorce him.

How do I obtain more alcohol without moving?

[lefty_monster]

Call 911 and tell them that you're out of beer.

How do I get summon a magical desk fairy to clean my workspace?