The Thread of Atrocious Advice

[matt9476]

Dangle raw meat on a stick outside of her cave.

What kind of cool toys should I buy my nephews for Christmas?

[Windsetter]

M-80's, Pellet guns... You know, all the stuff that made growing up fun for us...

What activities should I have at a Christmas party in a few weeks?

[jaroslav]

'How many headshots can you get on Gears of War?' Or 'Grenade stick that alien!' It's perfect for the kids.

What's the quickest way to learn how to play power chords on the guitar?

[Windsetter]

Forsake your life and play Guitar Hero all day...

How do I speed up a friends Pentium 4 laptop that is running like a 286?

[D'Art]

Feed it petrol and light it up.

How do I get out of work permanently, but still get a significant pay rise?

[lefty_monster]

Become the boss.

I got new glasses and they're different. Not sure if it's good or bad. How do I get used to the new look?

[Windsetter]

Ignore them. Attach the grip used in the movie "The Jerk". No one will notice the glasses are new...

What should I buy for my wife for Christmas?

[parrythis]

A shiny new sabre and an FIE mask. When she points out that she doesn't fence, put her mind at ease and tell her that you'll find a way to put them to good use.

My car is in the shop after having its front end re-arranged by a deer. The rental car my insurance company provided to me appears to be powered by an anemic, aging gerbil. How can I get the rental car to perform a little better?

[Windsetter]

Give the gerbil an IV of coffee. Jengar might lend you some.

Tax season will be here in a couple months. How do we prepare now?

[erik_blank]

Tax season will be here in a couple months. How do we prepare now?

Start by sending a nice note to your local IRS office, explaing in no uncertian terms your objection to their taking your not-so hard earned money and spending it on unnecessary things like roads and schools. Inform them that to further your objection that they should be expecting a 'special' package very soon, and that your wis everyone inthe office to be within a 50' radius wen it is opened. Mke sure that you reference your afiliation/admiration of such folk heros like Timothy McVeigh and the Uni-Bomber. Be sure to include your return mailing address.

The wife s out at her weekly scrap book party with all her friends, leaving me to actually clean up after the kids have torn apart the house. I'm feeling pretty lazy right now, so how can I clean the house without actually expending any energy?

[Windsetter]

Don't move. After a few days the neighbors will start to report a foul odor coming from your residence (unless your are an epeeist, then they have always been reporting that) They will send someone to investigate. When they can not reach you through the clutter, they will be forced to clean it for you.

What is the best way to give my boss my two week notice today?

[lefty_monster]

Walk into his office muttering to yourself, completely ignore him and circle the date two weeks from now on his calendar. Circle the room three times counterclockwise, still muttering, then wander out. Do not make eye contact with your boss or indicate in any way that you notice his existence.

I have a pair of heels that are nice-looking but I can't walk in them. How do I learn how to walk in heels?

[Meteoric Iron]

Change your mind about walking, and save them just for the bedroom. Practice kicking stiletto holes in the pillows from different angles, like stop-hits. Try balestra/lunge drills on your goosedown comforter. But, if you have to go out, paint three stripes on the sides, and convince the ref at your next mixed tournament that they are the 2009 Adidas secret design. Then you can practice just going a few steps forward and back until you get the hang of it.

How can I stop talking about fencing when I'm with normal people I used to hang out with?

[lefty_monster]

Keep talking. Then the ones who stay are your REAL friends and the others are unworthy.

How do I deal with the broken ankle resulting from following Iron's directions?

[remistress]

How do I deal with the broken ankle resulting from following Iron's directions?

Tip tape. We already use it to "repair" fencing shoes....why not use it for athletic support and healing purposes as well?

How do I stop this annoying trend of folks assuming I hold sway with certain people and the ensuing cosying up?

[magic_moose]

In the presence of the "cosy-up-ers", walk up to the "certain people" and spit on them.

How do I get everything ready for 14 people for dinner in the time remaining before Thanksgiving?

[Windsetter]

Slave labor.

What family activities should we plan for the Thanksgiving weekend?

[magic_moose]

Hunger strikes. Body painting. Fencing. Do-it-yourself group tattooing and piercing.

Where do I get the slaves?

[Windsetter]

Set up a tournament for all f.net'ers and fly us all there. The only cost would be helping you cook. (wait, that is not atrocious advice)

How would magic_moose pay for us all to fly there?

[lefty_monster]

Call it a training camp for elite athletes and make the USOC pay for it.

How do I ace my algebra final?