The Thread of Atrocious Advice

[Sciurus-Rex]

Quick aside: Go back through this thread and read each message as though the answer precedes the question within the same posting. It's even more surreal than the original premise.

A few random examples:

* * *
(Sabreuer)
How do I keep the bathtup drain unclogged when I'm shedding?

Well, the cure is to play Russian Roulette with a revolver loaded with silver bullets....

* * *
(campb1pr)
What's the best way to paint a 10 story office building?

In a plane, of course.

* * *
(Inquartata)
How can DFP get a girl?

With a paint-filled 727.

* * *
(Morion)
How can I continue to get paid without actually having to get up and go to work?

Live in a Chinese resturant that does delivery.

* * *
(T.Mock)
How do I avoid washing dishes after making a mess in the kitchen?

Get pregnant and insist on an 18 year paid leave to birth and raise the child.

* * *
(Inq)
How do I make people realize that I'm always right about everything?

Die. This will cause the outgrowths of dead cells, eg hair and nails, to proceed at a faster place.

* * *
(IHateMrPotatoHead)
I'm going to a career fair today. How should I go about making a good impression?

Try burning down campus buildings. That will be good practice, and get people's attention.

* * *

Makes re-reading the thread worth it for a new perspective.

[Go? Fencing?]

How can I form my own religion, and have people tithe to me?

End every sentence with "In accordance with the prophecy." When people ask you about the prophecy, explain your cult's- I mean, religion's- beliefs, and ask if they'll give their firstborn child for sacrifice. They'll be interested in no time at all.

How do I make sure that I can keep the fridge my dad bought me, if my roommate already has one? (If she does, my dad wants to return this one, but then we'll just have to go through the whole thing again next year.)

[sabreur]

How do I make sure that I can keep the fridge my dad bought me, if my roommate already has one? (If she does, my dad wants to return this one, but then we'll just have to go through the whole thing again next year.)

Practice your "But Daaaddddyyyyy....." whine.

How best to deal with screaming children on an airplane?

[KelseyD]

Sneak on a shotgun...

How do I wash clothes without a washer or dryer?

[Zilverzmurfen]

How best to deal with screaming children on an airplane?

Open the safety exit door and throw them out. They'll scream, but you won't hear it for long...


How do you rub your own back when you don't have anyone to do it for you?

[KelseyD]

Go next door to your neighbor and ask for help.

How do I keep rubber bands from sticking in my hair?

[Zilverzmurfen]

Go next door to your neighbor and ask for help.

Heh, I live in Sweden...that's quite a walk for a back rub! Don't you have any neighbours of your own..?

[KelseyD]

Heh, I live in Sweden...that's quite a walk for a back rub! Don't you have any neighbours of your own..?

Yes but they're right next door to me... well down the street about a sixteenth of a mile...

[akaiyuki]

How do I keep rubber bands from sticking in my hair?

Glue them to your hair. When you have to take it off, just cut your hair. Simple.

How do I stop spending so much time on f.net?

[KelseyD]

Break your computer.

How do I get my brother to come visit me?

[T. Mock]

Call the Feds anonymously to give them a tip that your brother is manufacturing bombs in his tool shed. When he calls you for advice about what to do suggest that he hide out in your broom closet. He'll be over in a flash.


What should I do when I have to walk by my crazy neighbor's house and she is out in her front yard?

[Sciurus-Rex]

What should I do when I have to walk by my crazy neighbor's house and she is out in her front yard?

Don't look her directly in the eye; that will only challenge her authority. Try to choose a path that takes you away from her, but slowly, and keep your head bent down. If she approaches, drop to the ground on your side or back and wet yourself. She'll take that as a sign of submission and leave you alone.

* * *

I gots a case of the so-called athlete's foot. Minor, but still annoying. What's the best treatment?

[T. Mock]

I gots a case of the so-called athlete's foot. Minor, but still annoying. What's the best treatment?

Surround the affected area with flames until the skin begins to burn. It will then be safe and hygenic to amputate.


I'm going college shopping tomorrow and want to get some unique items to make our room have a "homey" feel to it. Any suggestions?

[The Chaotic Wind]

easy, buy a cheap set of curtains, a cofee table and a cheap couch.
set the curtains on fire and ask your parents if you can use theirs. repeat but this time use the cofee table, then do it with the couch.
see? fire fixes everything.

i spilt lemonade on the couch and blamed it on the dog, now they want to put the dog down because he's "senile" and "disfunctional" how can i save him?

[Zilverzmurfen]

i spilt lemonade on the couch and blamed it on the dog, now they want to put the dog down because he's "senile" and "disfunctional" how can i save him?

By taking his place at the vet.


How can I get out of helping a friend move flats today, but still be nice and help her?

[Sciurus-Rex]

How can I get out of helping a friend move flats today, but still be nice and help her?

Tell her you have a prescheduled appointment to give advice on the Internet all day. People are counting on you. She'll understand.

If she doesn't, hit her in the head with a brick so she'll forget the entire incident.

* * *

I've got a box of old comic books that I found in the back of my father's closet. How can I tell how valuable they are as collectibles?

[Go? Fencing?]

Well, it's kinda like counterfeit money- you know, the kind that turns a different colour when burned. You'll have to test each comic book individually. Burn a hole through the middle of each book. If it's a normal orange flame, you have a real collector's item.

How do I decide what clothes to bring with me to college?

[KelseyD]

Bring only your old ones that smell of mothballs. That way your roommate will passout from the fumes of the mothballs and you can have the room to your self.

How do I tell a friend he's being too friendly?

[Zilverzmurfen]

How do I tell a friend he's being too friendly?

Don't tell him, just kick him in the groin instead. After that I'm sure he won't be so friendly anymore.


How do you eat snacks and typing at the same time without soiling your keyboard?

[Go? Fencing?]

Get a Mexican manservant to feed you. I have one; they're quite handy.

How do I avoid the urge to punch my dad in the face?