The Thread of Atrocious Advice

[magic_moose]

Take all your f.net postings. Paste them together in random order (as opposed to the order in which they make sense from end to end ) Submit them as your essay.

How do I finish rewiring my recroom without inconveniencing the rest of the family by turning off the power again?

[Neinteen]

Get an army of hamsters to run the electricity for them.

How do I convince Hamsters world wide to revolt and join my empire.

[Windsetter]

Don't. Convince rats instead. If you get them from New York, you can get them almost as big as dogs...

How do you train a 'seeing-eye rat"?

[Right-Handed Lefty]

First you must make him extremely comfortable so he will listen to your commands. Strew smelly, wet garbage all around the training room. Place disgusting cheese in all your pockets. Spend at least 3 weeks in the training room to make sure he's learned all your commands. Never bathe again; you risk having to repeat all your hard work in training.

What should I get my dog for Christmas?

[Have At You]

What should I get my dog for Christmas?

Well, if it's only going to be yours for Christmas, you don't really have much of an obligation to get it anything special. Just feed it and take it for a walk and you should be fine. Let its owner for the other 364 days of the year worry about getting it a gift.


My spoon is too big. What should I do?

[Windsetter]

Get a metal grinder from the garage and, while holding it over your cereal bowl, grind it down to desired shape. Disregard the shiny shards in your cereal, as they are nutricious.

What is the best way to deal with a health insurance company?

[erik_blank]

What is the best way to deal with a health insurance company?

High Explosives strapped to your calims adjusters supervisor.... No wait, that isn't atrocious advice... Or IS it?

The sun is shining and it is a glorious day. how can I get out of work and enjoy it?

[I_luv_saber]

*Mission:Impossible theme begins o play*
Your mission agent Blank, should you choose to accept it, is to escape your captors at this "work" facility to enjoy the day outside. We have provided land mines, a small pistol, and lock picks in the ventilation system.

You are authorized to use deadly force (indeed, encouraged!). Of course if captured, he CIA will disavow any knowledge of you and your actions.

This message will self-destruct if not properly stowed in the overhead compartment.


How does one cope with heartache?

[Windsetter]

Inflict pain elsewhere on your body. Find three foilist friends and have then repeatedly practice lunging at you. (or have an epee swatted across the knuckles of your hand a few times)

What should I have for breakfast?

[magic_moose]

I understand an all natural caveman type diet can make you a better athlete. Go down in the basement and see if there are any mice in the traps. Failing this, check in the corners and get any loose crickets. Check under the doormat for the little gray armored pill bugs. Do not cook, saves time, preserves nutrients, and ensures that natural healthy "crunch".

How can I indulge in all the sourdough biscuits I want without becoming too rotund to fence?

[erik_blank]

[quote=I_luv_saber;622743How does one cope with heartache?[/quote]
All heartache, weather believed to be emotional or physical, is actually the result of over exposure to miniscule molecular creatures called Noncovalient Olfactory Orcin Digitonin Linalool Eicosane, often referred to in the vernacular as NOODLES. These “NOODLES” which are self replicating, are known to be able to penetrate the skins surface and then concentrate in areas of the heart and mind of the affected individual causing physical discomfort, and in some cases death. While still controversial, the best known method of removing heartache associated with these infestations is to apply an appropriate lubricant to the sticky masses created by the “NOODLEs” usually in the form of a marinara sauce.

Thus to alleviate heartache, I would recommend using a 100cc hypodermic with an 8 gauge needle filled with either a sausage or basil based Marinara sauce and inject it directly into the heart. This should immediately clear up any NOODLEs in your system and is guaranteed to prevent any future ability to experience heartache.

There is a large brick smokestack blocking my view of the surrounding hills. How can I get a better view?

[parrythis]

There is a large brick smokestack blocking my view of the surrounding hills. How can I get a better view?

Simple! Purchase a pair of x-ray specs!

How can I become a top-rated fencer without all the grueling practice and lessons?

[matt9476]

How can I become a top-rated fencer without all the grueling practice and lessons?

Begin using an epee with an actual blade. After a while, all your opponents will be dead or unwilling to fence anymore, so you'll be catapulted to the top of the list.

Should I concentrate more on foil or sabre?

[erik_blank]

Should I concentrate more on foil or sabre?

Neither. You should evenly split your attention between the two weapons, but insist on using this as your weapon when fencing. make it a point to complain if any valid atack on your part does not register properly, as this weapon is obviously far superior to all others.

I am rapidly developing a headache. How can I make this more of a proper fashon statement and convince others to have one also?

[Windsetter]

I am rapidly developing a headache. How can I make this more of a proper fashon statement and convince others to have one also?

The poking out of random eyes (or i's, as is the case in your question) works well.

What Halloween decoration should I set up in my office at work?

[magic_moose]

A genuine cadaver

What is the most effective air freshener?

[matt9476]

Chili with extra beans and hot sauce.

Where can I find really good chocolate chip cookies?

[jaroslav]

Burn down all the trees in your vicinity. One of them is bound to have little cookie-making elves in it.

What should I do with this hip-hop cd I won off the radio?
(I hate hip-hop and rap with a passion.)

[Windsetter]

"Product Testing"
Meaning: Throw it as hard and far off a building as you can, and fire a shotgun at it. If it lands in one piece it is well made.

Hip-hop? Damn. I was supposed to give bad advice, not the best possible...


How do we eliminate any of these CD from ever reaching the market?

[Sword Hobbit]

We don't, we just let them go on the market, and them by them for kids, so they can look up to the things that make the "music"

No thats bad advice.

how do I get a dress dummy ASAP?