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approach a stranger on the street - disrobe, and ask them to scratch that itch. It works every time!
What should I do to prevent my dog from trying to jump the fence in our yard? "A well-instructed people alone can be permanently a free people" -- James Madison
"Error of opinion may be tolerated where reason is left free to combat it" -- Thomas Jefferson
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Shoot him/her!
How can I prevent my neighbors dog from tunneling under the fence into my yard? "Kleptomania. I have that but it's O.K.; I take something for it  --Anonymous "I exercise religiously. I do one push-up and say, “Amen.” "Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!" "Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" — Possom Lodge Motto
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Senior Member
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Poison. 
How do I solve this 5x5 rubix's cube sitting on my desk? A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
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Senior Member
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Paint each side a different color.
How can I cut down the mileage I drive to work? "Kleptomania. I have that but it's O.K.; I take something for it --Anonymous "I exercise religiously. I do one push-up and say, “Amen.” "Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!" "Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" — Possom Lodge Motto
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Senior Member
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Walk instead. Then you won't put miles on your car.
How can I pass the rest of the day quickly?  Originally Posted by IHateMrPotatohead I can't think of anything to put down there! 
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Move the clock hands ahead by 4 hours and then pull the fire alarms!
What do I give as a present at this weekends wedding reception? "Kleptomania. I have that but it's O.K.; I take something for it --Anonymous "I exercise religiously. I do one push-up and say, “Amen.” "Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!" "Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" — Possom Lodge Motto
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Senior Member
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The corpse of a late-term abortion, to remind them of their marital duties.
Sure, there are many ways to skin a cat, but what's the best one? Freedom of speech makes it easier to spot the idiots.
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Senior Member
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Originally Posted by scrapinpeg
Sure, there are many ways to skin a cat, but what's the best one?
That's actually a metaphor for recognizing there are many equally valid ways to get a job done. Ironically enough, the best way to tackle almost any job you don't want to do is to distract yourself with a taxidermy project involving a feline. Once you start removing the epidermis, the original task doesn't look so bad after all.
So in answer to your question: Use a dull butter knife.
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Quick aside: Go back through this thread and read each message as though the answer precedes the question within the same posting. It's even more surreal than the original premise.
* * *
How does one go about matching the perfect coffee with the perfect ice cream for an after-dinner treat? The multiplicity of flavors confounds me. "Why do you say this to me, when you know I will kill you for it?" - Zod
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Posting Hound
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Clearly, trial-and-error is the only way to go. Be sure, however, to try all combinations in one day, to make sure that you don't you don't forget the best ones.
How should I go about packing for school? I go back on Monday.
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Wait until Tuesday, it will be a moot point by then.
When is the best time of year to trim boxwood bushes and not kill them? "A well-instructed people alone can be permanently a free people" -- James Madison
"Error of opinion may be tolerated where reason is left free to combat it" -- Thomas Jefferson
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In the dead of winter. Alone. In the dark. With whisky.
What's the best way to conquer my fear of heights?
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Member
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dig a deep hole in the ground and climb up
how am i gonna get all my stuff packed for moving on sunday? (current state: nothing packedyet... its only a room). Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard.
BE EVIL
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Senior Member
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See, now here is where the novice might post that you should attempt a base jump without a parachute, which would certainly kill your fear of heights, but also you, which is counterproductive.
I respectfully suggest that you find your local superhero with the power of flight, and make a deal with them. You will do whatever it takes to talk them into this deal, up to and including various sexual favors, because you need them for this to work. After they agree, then you attempt that base jump (from the tallest building you can find within a 500 mile radius) without the parachute, but, and this is a serious but, you make sure that the superhero type is flying nearby, and they will swoop down and catch you just scant inches from the pavement. You will realize at this point that there is no reason to be afraid of heights, as long as you have a personal superhero to always catch you if you fall. See, easy?
How do I get rid of a pesky superhero that keeps hanging around whenever I go anywhere? "A well-instructed people alone can be permanently a free people" -- James Madison
"Error of opinion may be tolerated where reason is left free to combat it" -- Thomas Jefferson
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Senior Member
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Originally Posted by campb1pr How do I get rid of a pesky superhero that keeps hanging around whenever I go anywhere? Umm, stop promising him sexual favors? Or better yet, promise him MORE sexual favors, but when you eventually follow through, do it only half-heartedly. And when he's finished, shrug, and say in a non-commital voice, "Eh, I've had better."
How do I defrost this huge wad of chicken fast enough to make dinner and still get to fencing on time?
Poskat - burn your stuff. Don't move it. It'll all be out of style soon anyway, so you might as well just buy new stuff. Last year's books? You'll never touch 'em again anyway. Just pack your iPod and your fencing bag and don't look back.
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Senior Member
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Originally Posted by swordwench How do I defrost this huge wad of chicken fast enough to make dinner and still get to fencing on time? Go to your local Air Force or Naval base and hang it in front of a 10 Megawatt radar dish.
How do you convince government auditors that breaking their rules doesn't really count if nobody catches you doing it? Fail until you succeed!
Ka-riposte back atcha Purple!
Disgruntled Employee of the Month.
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Senior Member
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Originally Posted by swordwench Umm, stop promising him sexual favors? Or better yet, promise him MORE sexual favors, but when you eventually follow through, do it only half-heartedly. And when he's finished, shrug, and say in a non-commital voice, "Eh, I've had better." DIGRESSION ALERT
How come when Superman and his women engage in coital relations, the force of his ejaculation doesn't punch a hole through his partners' bodies and the bed beneath them? Think about it, his muscle power is gazillions of times more powerful than that of a mere human, and this is not exactly a muscle he can control. And add to that the indestructability of his sperm, and you've got a killer projectile.
My guess is, he probably killed his first girlfriend this way, is living a life of horror and penance trying to reconcile with himself, and sublimates his sexual tensions with aggressive protective behavior while wearing flamboyant tights.
It's the only explanation.
DIGRESSION OFF, RETURN TO YOUR REGULARLY-SCHEDULED THREAD Freedom of speech makes it easier to spot the idiots.
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Senior Member
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Originally Posted by Morion How do you convince government auditors that breaking their rules doesn't really count if nobody catches you doing it? It's simple. Just explain in detail all the things you've done that they haven't caught you doing, and point to the complete lack of worlds coming to an end as a result. They're good-natured people, and will be thrilled to learn that no harm was done. Heck, they'll probably buy you a beer.
How do you eat with chopsticks? Freedom of speech makes it easier to spot the idiots.
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Senior Member
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Only eat items large enough to skewer with the chopstick. As a fencer, this ought to be second nature. Then you can just consider all of life a shish kebob buffet.
How do I get rid of that annoying ringing in my ears? "A well-instructed people alone can be permanently a free people" -- James Madison
"Error of opinion may be tolerated where reason is left free to combat it" -- Thomas Jefferson
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Curmudgeon Emeritus
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Reach in there with forceps and answer the tiny phone!
How can I get rich quick? Use the Shift key, people! Keyboard manufacturers everywhere are ineffably saddened when you ignore what they made just for you!
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Senior Member
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Call him, and tell him that you need him urgently.
How can I form my own religion, and have people tithe to me? "A well-instructed people alone can be permanently a free people" -- James Madison
"Error of opinion may be tolerated where reason is left free to combat it" -- Thomas Jefferson
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