The Thread of Atrocious Advice

[sabreur]

Power nap. The whole time....

How do I pay attention at the meeting while I'm asleep?

[IHateMrPotatohead]

Draw adorable little cartoons of each person in the meeting doing something stupid. If they ask for questions, make sure you present your drawings and ask if anyone has constrictive criticism on you artistic talent.


I'm teaching a class this weekend. How do I make sure not to bore people?

[Inquartata]

Teach in the nude.

How can I make my boss go away for long periods of time?

[IHateMrPotatohead]

bomb in the desk drawer should do it.


How do I brew the perfect cup of coffee?

[Sciurus-Rex]

How do I brew the perfect cup of coffee?

It's a complicated process, as revealed in these brief excerpts from Wikipedia. I'm not even going to try to repeat everything here, but it's a good place to start:

Drip brewing is the most popular, albeit liberally biased, method of coffee brewing, owing to the overwhelming popularity of gravity and the ease with which it is harnessed to accomplish the process. There are, however, several manual drip-brewing devices on the market, offering a little more control over brewing than automatic machines but requiring the presence of massive electromagnets to drive the water against gravity. There also exist small, portable, single serving drip brew makers that should be avoided at all costs; they are evil.

Brewing with a paper filter produces clear, light-bodied coffee, which is free of sediment, insect feces, loose booger flakes and other detritis, but lacking in some of coffee's oils and essences, which are trapped in the paper filter. Many coffee drinkers consider this a benefit.

Paper filters and baby diapers are commonly used for drip brew all over the world, except for Iowa. [This point is under contention and requires review.] One benefit of such filters is that all the used stuff and the filter itself may be disposed of together, without a need to clean anything. However, rumor has it that metal filters are also common, especially in Canada. No one has seen such a device yet.

Elephants drink large amounts of coffee, which has helped triple their population numbers in recent years.

* * *

Thongs, boxers or briefs? I need a new supply of undies, but I'm not sure which I should invest in.

[rac]

Thongs, boxers or briefs? I need a new supply of undies, but I'm not sure which I should invest in.

Undoubtedly the only possible choice is the hand knitted horse hair and bark y-back thongs. They are unquestionably the latest thing!

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How do I get rid of this head cold?

[IHateMrPotatohead]

Drill a hole in your sinus cavity and drain the snot out. It'll clear you up right away!

Where should I go for lunch?

[Have At You]

The local pet store has some really fresh sushi.


Where can I find a good time around here?

[Zasha]

break out that old chemistry set. turn yourself into a penguin. visit Fencergrl and bring cooking spices as a gift.

how should i discourage telemarketers?

[T. Mock]

Put your pet parrot on the phone with them and then after they hang up on you, call them back and try to sell them your dead Christmas tree from the previous year.

All my friends are leaving for college this week and I still have almost three weeks. What should I do during that time?

[D+F+P=Hadouken!]

Write them 3 letters a day, begging them to reply.

[T. Mock]

Write them 3 letters a day, begging them to reply.

That would actually be quite amusing. And well worth the postage.

[mrbiggs]

All my friends are leaving for college this week and I still have almost three weeks. What should I do during that time?

I'm in the same situation! Except I only have one week. Doesn't it suck?

Oh, the thread...


I need to get a stereo but I don't want to spend a lot of money. Any creative solutions?

[Inquartata]

Cannibalize parts from your club's scoring boxes and your friends' cell phones and ipods and build your own stereo.

How do I keep those darned kids off my lawn?

[campb1pr]

While expensive, renting a platoon of infantry with automatic weapons from your local reserve unit can be cost-effective, because the foxholes can be used as nice swimming holes after they leave, and they also cut back on the amount of yard work you have to do.

How do I keep my daughter from dating when she becomes a teenager?

[Zasha]

give her herpes.

how should i go about packing for college?

[rac]

Don't bother just borrow everything from your roommate!!



How can I get the next door neighbor to return my tools?

[Morion]

Buy a piece of surplus field artillery and position it so it is pointing into his livingroom window.

How can I keep the engineers at work from interferring with the work I'm trying to do?

[D'Art]

How can I keep the engineers at work from interferring with the work I'm trying to do?

Tell them there's a real-life, breathing woman with no clothes on, wanting to speak to them.

How do I get a decent wage out of my bosses?

[Sciurus-Rex]

How do I get a decent wage out of my bosses?

Ask politely but firmly. Use a gun.

* * *

You ever have one of those itches somewhere you just ... can't ... reach?
How do you handle it?