The Thread of Atrocious Advice

[Sciurus-Rex]

I'm not enjoying my job these days. I work for a madman (who is brilliant, but still... he's a madman). How should I tell him how I feel?

Follow this script, at a very loud volume, directly to his face: "YOU ARE A MADMAN! I'M NOT ENJOYING MY JOB THESE DAYS!"

Stage it in public if you can. A very crowded area. Punctuate each comment with a slap to the face.

I'm not sure what this will accomplish, but that wasn't really implied in your question, was it? You wanted to know how to tell him how you feel.

* * *

I just realized my pants zipper is broken and it's probably been like this all morning while I've wandered around the office talking to people. What should I do now to correct this major faux pas?

[campb1pr]

I just realized my pants zipper is broken and it's probably been like this all morning while I've wandered around the office talking to people. What should I do now to correct this major faux pas?

Man, an easy one. Announce at the top of your lungs, when everyone in your office is around to hear: "(insert name of female co-worker you don't like here), you forgot to zip my fly afterwards, I can't believe that I've been walking around all morning like this! Can you please remember to zip me up next time?" This will deflect any embarassment off of you, and onto the person you select.


How do I convince my friends that I am truly the greatest?

[Sciurus-Rex]

How do I convince my friends that I am truly the greatest?

Don't know; I pass. ... Haven't seen Inquartata pull it off yet, either, and he's tried just about everything.

[campb1pr]

Don't know; I pass. ... Haven't seen Inquartata pull it off yet, either, and he's tried just about everything.

I'd rep you if for that if able!

back to your regularly scheduled thread...

[Zasha]

Man, an easy one. Announce at the top of your lungs, when everyone in your office is around to hear: "(insert name of female co-worker you don't like here), you forgot to zip my fly afterwards, I can't believe that I've been walking around all morning like this! Can you please remember to zip me up next time?" This will deflect any embarassment off of you, and onto the person you select.

How do I convince my friends that I am truly the greatest?

why couldn't it be a male coworker?

rent a gorilla suit. steal a barbie doll. climb the empire state building. continue waving arms until you fall. get arrested. emerge from jail a 'changed man' who becomes politically active. bring communism upon the world.

i don't like you. what should i do about it?

[Sciurus-Rex]

i don't like you. what should i do about it?

It's probably repressed sexual tension. You should just give in to your animal lust and get it over with.

* * *

One of my nephews has told me he's gay. He's the youngest of three boys and his father (my brother) is a very conservative man. He wants to "come out of the closet" to them, and has asked for my opinion. What do you say?

[IHateMrPotatohead]

Tell him that his best bet is to dress in drag or march in a pride parade, and invoite his brothers and parents to come watch. The family will be so impressed by his performance, they will have to accept his lifestyle!

I'm hungry. What to do?

[gtmac]

Hunger is typically felt in the emptiness of your stomach. Try removing your stomach with a pen knife and that feeling should go away.

What should I get my niece for her b'day? She's 10.

[Capt. Slo-mo]

What should I get my niece for her b'day? She's 10.

This:
http://world.guns.ru/sniper/sn02-e.htm

Every little girl wants a .50 caliber sniper rifle for her birthday. That way, even if Little Suzy is hiding in the family Suburban after beating your niece out of the last spot on the cheerleading squad, your niece can reach out and say: "Lights Out!" from a half mile away.

The Mormons are coming over to my house this week. What should I do when they start proselytizing?

[T. Mock]

The Mormons are coming over to my house this week. What should I do when they start proselytizing?

Put some cotton into your ears and sing loudly at the top of your lungs. Tell them you are practicing your selective hearing but that you aren't quite good enough to block them out. If they come back in a year you will probably be able to block them out without the help of cotton.


My room looks like a bomb went off in it and I'm having trouble finding the stuff that I need to bring to college. What should I do to ensure that I don't forget anything without having to clean my room first?

[Sciurus-Rex]

My room looks like a bomb went off in it and I'm having trouble finding the stuff that I need to bring to college. What should I do to ensure that I don't forget anything without having to clean my room first?

You'll slap your forehead when this is pointed out to you, because it's so obvious: Set off a real bomb in your room! Really, once the bomb goes off, you won't have to worry about college, one way or another.

* * *

There are some really weird sounds coming from out attic lately. Like thud thud shwoosh thud thus shwoosh ... over and over again. They start at about 7:30 each night and end at about 2 a.m. I'm a little scared of what I might find if I go look. What do you suggest I do?

[T. Mock]

There are some really weird sounds coming from out attic lately. Like thud thud shwoosh thud thus shwoosh ... over and over again. They start at about 7:30 each night and end at about 2 a.m. I'm a little scared of what I might find if I go look. What do you suggest I do?

Set off a bunch of those bug bomb things that exterminate bugs from your house (hence the name) directly under the attic in order to "smoke" it out. Ignore the warnings on the bottle and make sure you sit in the room with the bug bombs so that you can make sure to see this thing as it runs out of your attic.



The bomb in my room took off part of my neighbors house. What should I do?

[akaiyuki]

Claim that a terrorist placed the bomb in your room and try to claim some insurance money. As for your neighbors, sucks for them.

Should I drive without insurance?

[JackOfHearts]

Of Course you can! It's not like EVERYBODy gets into an accident, so you have a sporting chance.


I need a new job. Any suggestions?

[T. Mock]

I need a new job. Any suggestions?

Professional hitchhiker. Anyone that picks you up must pay you 35 cents per mile that they drive you. If they argue about this threaten them with your mad sword skillz.


How do I get off the awful sleep pattern that has me awake until 1 am or later every night?

[JackOfHearts]

How do I get off the awful sleep pattern that has me awake until 1 am or later every night?

Stay up all night. Every night. For about a week. Helps if you have company.


A friend of mine is planning to get drunk on Friday. What should he get once we're at the tattoo parlor?

[sabreur]

A friend of mine is planning to get drunk on Friday. What should he get once we're at the tattoo parlor?

The chorus from "Mambo #5" (one of the most annoying songs ever): http://lyrics.astraweb.com/display/6.....mambo_5.html

What's the best way for Jack's friend to remove the tattoo, once he gets a girlfriend who isn't one of those named in "Mambo # 5?"

[Zilverzmurfen]

What's the best way for Jack's friend to remove the tattoo, once he gets a girlfriend who isn't one of those named in "Mambo # 5?"

Amputation. This is also a great way of losing weight incredibly fast!


A colleague of mine (consultant, not an employee) thinks he's some kind of 'boss' person around my office. ( ) Any tips on taking him down to Terra Firma..?

[sabreur]

A colleague of mine (consultant, not an employee) thinks he's some kind of 'boss' person around my office. ( ) Any tips on taking him down to Terra Firma..?

Hip throw, followed by a submission choke hold.

I have to attend a four-hour meeting today after lunch! How do I stay awake?

[Zilverzmurfen]

I have to attend a four-hour meeting today after lunch! How do I stay awake?

Use toothpicks or matches to keep your eyelids open. Coffee intraveinously (?) is another option.


I have to stay here until 16.25 and it's only 09.54 now, how do I stay awake?