The Thread of Atrocious Advice

[campb1pr]

I'd say that your best bet is to go ahead and join, especially if they are asking for monetary donations. Only the most respected satanic cults ask their followers to give up all their possessions and renounce all worldly goods. If they aren't asking, they are just some wannabes. In that case, I'd suggest attempting to kill them all with a pitchfork, and telling your wife that as the man of the house, you know these things better than the old ball and chain.


How do I avoid heat exhaustion when working on the lawn and yardwork all day, in 90 degree (F) sunny weather?

[Sciurus-Rex]

Originally Posted by campb1pr

How do I avoid heat exhaustion when working on the lawn and yardwork all day, in 90 degree (F) sunny weather?

Little-known fact (more science! turn away if you're science-phobic!): After the human body reaches a core temperature of 109 degrees, something in the brain -- the "hippothalamus" -- turns on the reserve blood flow, which the body keeps at a constant 88 degrees near the groin at all times just for such emergencies. So it actually benefits you to work HARDER at a certain point, to drive your body heat up to that switch-over point.

Sweat it up, baby!

* * *

Cheese kept in the fridge -- how long is it good to eat?

[Zasha]

cheese and fine wine go together- they age the same way too. yummy.

there's a party this evening, and one of the guys invited has a habit of staring at my chest. how do i make him stop?

[campb1pr]

Originally Posted by sciurus-rex

Cheese kept in the fridge -- how long is it good to eat?

As long as the little fridge mites haven't eaten a hole in it, its good forever. (stay away from cheese with holes in it...) Since, as we all know, cheese is made from fermenting milk, the more fermenting things cover it, the better it is. Isn't famous french cheese very stinky? Well - that smell just tells you its good and ready!

Edit: hate being late

Originally Posted by zasha

there's a party this evening, and one of the guys invited has a habit of staring at my chest. how do i make him stop?

miniature rocket launchers in your bra.


I tend to sound a bit like Cliff Clavin when friends ask for advice. How do I stop from giving them such good advice? I think my friends are all a little sick of how easy I've made their lives by giving them all the answers...

[latenight]

Originally Posted by Zasha

cheese and fine wine go together- they age the same way too. yummy.

there's a party this evening, and one of the guys invited has a habit of staring at my chest. how do i make him stop?

Just flash him and get it over with, if you do that he will be so stunned he wont turn his head for 10 minutes, leaving you free to move about and be stare free.

Or just look at his groin and say, "awwww, that TINY fella is so CUTE!"




I can't decide whether to go out with a very dull girl tonight or just stay home. and while your at it, how come I haven't met any interesting girls lately?

[Wise-Epeeist]

Originally Posted by Zasha

there's a party this evening, and one of the guys invited has a habit of staring at my chest. how do i make him stop?

Most men will get tired of boobies quickly if given enough opportunity to look. So open your shirt; invite staring. He'll turn away in no time.

Originally Posted by latenight

I can't decide whether to go out with a very dull girl tonight or just stay home.

Show her this thread. She'll make up your mind for you.


I've got blood stains on my shirt. Best way to clean them out?

[Sciurus-Rex]

Originally Posted by Wise-Epeeist

I've got blood stains on my shirt. Best way to clean them out?

I'll admit, this one has me stumped. I can't find a reference anywhere on the Internet for such advice.

I'd call the police department, if I were you. They have plenty of experience with blood stains. Experts on staff, I'm sure.

* * *

I've lost my car keys and it's nearly time to leave work to go home. Help!

[IHateMrPotatohead]

Break your car windows to get in, and then pop the ignition and drive the car home with a screwdriver. (This atrocious advice brought to you by the idiot 13 year old who stole my car several years ago.)

I'm trying to convince my friend to move. Advice?

[JackOfHearts]

Let's see... fire has already been used in this thread.... open up a crate full of rabid squirrels in your friend's attic. That should be rather convincing.


It seems that my best friend has feelings for me. How can I tell for certain if she's interested?

[KelseyD]

Try making a move on her, judge by her reaction whether she's really into you.

My hair is short. How do I go about making it grow faster?

[Inquartata]

Die. This will cause the outgrowths of dead cells, eg hair and nails, to proceed at a faster place.

How do I make people realize that I'm always right about everything?

[gtmac]

Act like a sabreur. Keep beating everyone over the head with your ideas until they capitulate. Of course this may require the patience of an epeeist so you may increase your level of insanity before the desired results are in effect.

I'd like to change careers. Any ideas on what I should do next?

[Inquartata]

Epee coach.

How do I get my neighbors to turn down the banda music?

[Aqua_volans]

Join them! Get a sigil of baphomet from your friendly neighbourhood goth shop! Go in hooded in a long flowing back robe. You could of course, Wear Marilyn Manson's make-up, but it might get rubbed of during the mandatory orgy in the middle of the ritual circle. Satan helps you actively! Unlike god...


I'd love to be a pyrotechnician and want to do a related course in college. How do i go about it? I wonder if something of explosive destruction would catch their attention...

[IHateMrPotatohead]

Try burning down campus buildings. That will be good practice, and get people's attention.

I'm going to a career fair today. How should I go about making a good impression?

[Zasha]

wear cameoflague. carve a cross into your forehead. grow a charles manson-style beard. ask every representative how the carrer they represent would help you start the race war that has always been you dream.

how do i stop eating ice cream?

[scrapinpeg]

Originally Posted by Zasha

how do i stop eating ice cream?

There are many ways to stop eating ice cream. But most of them can only be accomplished by trained specialists. The best way for an amateur to stop eating ice cream is to take a double-barreled epoxy dispenser and squeeze its entire contents down one's throat, while singing "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend" in a squeaky falsetto.

How do you tie a bow tie?

[Sciurus-Rex]

Originally Posted by scrapinpeg

How do you tie a bow tie?

This is a common misconception, that bow ties are actually *tied*. The fact is, they can't be tied at all. Men have to buy them that way. Your best bet is to go to your local truck stop and look for a guy named "Big Frank" (it's a trademark codename - there's a "Big Frank" in every major market). He's the bow tie industry representative and he'll be able to measure your head and neck for the right size. Just ask around, and when you find him say you'd like for him to make you "feel like a man." He'll size you up right away.

* * *

I'm still stuck at work without my car keys. The last advice didn't work. More help, please?

[gtmac]

You score as many points as it does... but seriously.

The key to tying a bow tie is not in the form of the knot, but how tight the tie is on your neck. Tie a simple knot and recruit two burly friends to pull on the two ends as hard as they can. This will produce the flushed look everyone looks for from a bow tie and no one will even see the knot as they ask you if you're ok.

EDIT (LATE): Hitchhiking is the way to go. First work on your visibility. You need to shave your head and tattoo a pentagram on your face. Then shread your business casual slacks and shirt so that they flap in the breeze. Second, make a sign that reads "Hell or bust". Stand on the roadway and wait.

I need to hire some people. What kind of questions should I ask candidates to find some exceptionally analytical people?

[swordwench]