08-21-2006, 05:15 AM
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#181 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: I have no home
Posts: 1,962
| No, you should set off firecrackers in your mom's jewelry drawer and her medicine cabinet. Then you should just smash the china on the floor and tell her that you did it while trying to waylay the culprit. That way she totally won't get mad.
I need a girlfriend, should I just start trawling the local bars?
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I now dangle to the left....my tassle. Get your minds out of the gutter.
"Martin was not an optimist; he was a prisoner of hope." Optimism is about assuming there's evidence that justifies your outlook while hope is about creating the evidence and procuring your own happiness or vision of the world. - Professor West
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08-21-2006, 05:55 AM
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#182 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: California
Posts: 968
| ABSOLTELY! everyone knows that drunk girls are sure of every move they make! and if that doesn't work, youncan go to a jail house, chicks dig a mysterious stranger who will pay their bail. 
I'm going on a date but i don't have any money, what should i do? | 
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08-21-2006, 06:30 AM
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#183 | | Immortal
Join Date: Jul 2000 Location: Heidelberg, GE
Posts: 5,454
| Pawn your fencing gear
How do you catch a snipe?
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Why sabre? Because you don't take heads with the point.
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08-21-2006, 07:21 AM
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#184 | | Curmudgeon-in-Chief
Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Somewhere in your nightmares!
Posts: 23,538
| Quote: |
Originally Posted by sabreur
How do you catch a snipe?
| Two words: Border collies. 
How do I deter cats from couching atop my car?
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Use the Shift key, people! Keyboard manufacturers everywhere are ineffably saddened when you ignore what they made just for you!
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08-21-2006, 07:55 AM
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#185 | | Immortal
Join Date: Jul 2000 Location: Heidelberg, GE
Posts: 5,454
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Originally Posted by Inquartata How do I deter cats from couching atop my car? | I already told you, you hook up one of these http://www.deserthillsfence.com/Prod...ther_20000.htm to it. Absolutely guaranteed to keep the cats off.
How do I prevent SAD (seasonal affective disorder) when the days get short?
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Why sabre? Because you don't take heads with the point.
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08-21-2006, 09:47 AM
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#186 | | the dark one
Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: MA/NH line
Posts: 3,823
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Originally Posted by sabreur How do I prevent SAD (seasonal affective disorder) when the days get short? | Hook up one of those really powerful heat lamps that people used in the 70s and 80s and run it all day long. Work on your tan at the same time! It's perfectly safe, really - and tans are so slimming.
What should I do next time I find myself at a cocktail party and have had too many glasses of wine to make it home on my own?
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"Let's see... take responsibility for my own life, or blame YOU? Ding ding ding ding ding! Blame you wins hands-down!" - Bowler Hat Guy, Meet the Robinsons | |
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08-21-2006, 09:57 AM
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#187 | | Épéeist Hive Queen
Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Sweden
Posts: 12,759
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Originally Posted by swordwench What should I do next time I find myself at a cocktail party and have had too many glasses of wine to make it home on my own? | You go home alone after a party..? Loser! Solution: Wear a shorter skirt and -- voilá -- company.
What should I do to increase my pay so that I can go to more fencing competitions around the world..?
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Fencing is my only PvP. | |
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08-21-2006, 10:04 AM
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#188 | | the dark one
Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: MA/NH line
Posts: 3,823
| Solution: Wear a shorter skirt and -- voilá -- increased pay. 
How should I get rid of all the weeds in my garden with the least work?
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"Let's see... take responsibility for my own life, or blame YOU? Ding ding ding ding ding! Blame you wins hands-down!" - Bowler Hat Guy, Meet the Robinsons | |
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08-21-2006, 10:09 AM
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#189 | | Immortal
Join Date: Jul 2000 Location: Heidelberg, GE
Posts: 5,454
| Flamethrower. Or make your kids pull them.
How do I beat the market?
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Why sabre? Because you don't take heads with the point.
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08-21-2006, 10:11 AM
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#190 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Under the sea
Posts: 2,812
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Originally Posted by swordwench How should I get rid of all the weeds in my garden with the least work? | Just raid your local army base. They leave all sorts of stuff lying around, like bombs and stuff. Find one of their spare nuclear ones and attach it to a nearby plane. One drop-off later, not only do you have no weeds, but it gets rid of any other garden problems, too. Quote: |
Originally Posted by sabreur How do I beat the market? | With a very big stick, preferrably one covered in last nights dinner, digested by at least one of your dogs.
How does an over-worked and severely underpaid bloke rectify this to be an underworked and severely overpaid one? 
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I AM the walrus
I'm not grumpy - I suffer from stupidity rage
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08-21-2006, 10:14 AM
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#191 | | Immortal
Join Date: Jul 2000 Location: Heidelberg, GE
Posts: 5,454
| Figure out how to beat the market.
How do I beat the market (reprise)?
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Why sabre? Because you don't take heads with the point.
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08-21-2006, 10:15 AM
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#192 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Shenandoah Valley, VA
Posts: 380
| Insider trading has been proven to be the easiest, and safest way to do so. (1) I would suggest calling Bill Gates and asking him for the next quarter report for Microsoft. I hear he gives those things away like educational grants.
How do I survive 3500 freshmen coming to campus in a couple of days?
(1) Jeanette Keith, "The Politics of Beating the Market, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Money" Kiplinger's Personal Finance (April 2006) <http://www.kiplinger.com/personalfinance/magazine/> [accessed April 1, 2006].
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"A well-instructed people alone can be permanently a free people" -- James Madison
"Error of opinion may be tolerated where reason is left free to combat it" -- Thomas Jefferson | |
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08-21-2006, 10:17 AM
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#193 | | Épéeist Hive Queen
Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Sweden
Posts: 12,759
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Originally Posted by swordwench How should I get rid of all the weeds in my garden with the least work? | Solution: Wear a shorter skirt and...oh wait... 
Do you live near any school? Kids are stupid and will work for practically nothing. The younger, the more stupid and the less you'll have to pay them. Result: Less weed.
How can I prevent my replies from getting copied by the next poster..?
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Fencing is my only PvP. | |
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08-21-2006, 11:54 AM
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#194 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Singapore,
Posts: 478
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Originally Posted by Zilverzmurfen Solution: Wear a shorter skirt and...oh wait...
Do you live near any school? Kids are stupid and will work for practically nothing. The younger, the more stupid and the less you'll have to pay them. Result: Less weed.
How can I prevent my replies from getting copied by the next poster..? | Hack F.Net and make yourself a moderator, the moment someone compies your post, delete it and send him a warning letter. All without telling craig.(Your idea of kids being dumb does not apply to everyone, I will never do mundane chores like weeding if i'm not being paid sufficiently)
I hate someone, I want to humiliate him to the point of tears, what can i do?
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Signature unnecessary
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08-21-2006, 12:01 PM
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#195 | | the dark one
Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: MA/NH line
Posts: 3,823
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Originally Posted by Aqua_volans I hate someone, I want to humiliate him to the point of tears, what can i do? | Challenge him to a high-stakes game of Scrabble. (If there's any doubt that you might not win, be sure to cheat. Keep a few extra high-value tiles under your watch band.) The humiliation of losing to a *fencer* will likely drive him to suicide.
I'd like to visit my first serious boyfriend again and catch up on things, but chances are his wife will hate me. What should I do?
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"Let's see... take responsibility for my own life, or blame YOU? Ding ding ding ding ding! Blame you wins hands-down!" - Bowler Hat Guy, Meet the Robinsons | |
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08-21-2006, 12:10 PM
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#196 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Shenandoah Valley, VA
Posts: 380
| Wear a shorter skirt.... never mind.
Explain that since you would never think of trying to seduce a married man, no matter how much he has hinted around that he would like to have an affair. She will be so grateful that you have averted that disaster that she will love you like a sister!
Repeat - since I got caught in the middle of a couple of posts:
How do I survive 3500 freshmen coming to campus in a couple of days?
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"A well-instructed people alone can be permanently a free people" -- James Madison
"Error of opinion may be tolerated where reason is left free to combat it" -- Thomas Jefferson | |
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08-21-2006, 12:13 PM
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#197 | | Immortal
Join Date: Jul 2000 Location: Heidelberg, GE
Posts: 5,454
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Originally Posted by swordwench I'd like to visit my first serious boyfriend again and catch up on things, but chances are his wife will hate me. What should I do? | Bring Nembutol and slip some in her drink--she'll be out for the count (maybe for good). Quote: |
Originally Posted by campb1pr How do I survive 3500 freshmen coming to campus in a couple of days? | Same advice as above, except you need more Nembutol and discreet access to their illegal kegs.
We have to fence a team match against a group of guys who can only be described as the "Happy Whackers." How should I fence them?
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Why sabre? Because you don't take heads with the point.
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08-21-2006, 12:18 PM
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#198 | | Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 96
| Quote: |
Originally Posted by swordwench I'd like to visit my first serious boyfriend again and catch up on things, but chances are his wife will hate me. What should I do? | Hmmm.... Maybe I can put in a good word for you? But I'll need to learn more about your positive qualities. To convince her. ... We should meet in person and chat about this.
(Atrocious advice, indeed!  ) Quote: |
Originally Posted by sabreur We have to fence a team match against a group of guys who can only be described as the "Happy Whackers." How should I fence them? | Without a mask. I've seen this work -- the absence of protective gear will naturally soothe their anxieties and prompt more gentle behavior.
Question:
My DM and the other gamers in my regular weekly D&D group found me cheating on my rolls with special dice (the 1s have been replaced with higher values). How do I survive their ire or explain myself back to safety?
Last edited by Wise-Epeeist; 08-21-2006 at 12:21 PM.
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08-21-2006, 04:17 PM
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#199 | | Incorruptible
Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: NJ
Posts: 2,758
| And you call yourself wise?
Perhaps you should offer to roll a d4 in place of a d20 for the remainder of the year, but that's actually good advice for one so dishonorable.
Try this...frame someone by covertly fixing their dice in a more egregious manner and then expose them to take the heat off of yourself.
What's the best way to relax?
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Fencing T-shirts available at Off-The-Piste Wear **New designs** including f.net themed designs for easy recognition of fellow f.netters at tournaments!
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08-21-2006, 04:35 PM
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#200 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,326
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