100% True Facts About Dan Kellner

[D+F+P=Hadouken!]

Yeah, that was a terrible joke.



The yellow acidic clouds on venus are not chemicals from venus. They're just fumes from where dan kellner has taken a leak.

[jBirch]

Interesting bit of research...

When fencing, it looks like Dan Kellner has no weapon in his hand. We used to assume that he was just so good at fencing that it made it seem like there was no foil but on closer inspection, the foil tip actually surpasses the speed of light and acts like a quantum particle. This theory was codified in the modified Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle which states that the more precisely you know you are fencing Dan Kellner, the less precisely you can predict where you will be hit. In fact, as you are more and more certain you are fencing Dan Kellner you can assume that his foil tip simultaneously touches all your targets.

Dr. Flogflanke did an analysis of the energy imparted by the movement of Dan Kellner's foil tip and some interesting things were concluded. First, the giant BOOM heard by opponents is a localised supernova caused by the energetic release of Dan Kellner's tip encountering random particles. The more vigourously Dan Kellner moves his tip, the greater the energetic potential stored in his foil is. This explains the flicking light sabre as the velocity on the foil tip creates a super dense localised gravity well, which bends the light emitted from the lightsabre. It also explains the exploding buildings and general public safety notices posted outside competitions featuring Dan Kellner. Second, due to the time-traveling nature of his quantum foil tips, his tip can actually be observed to hit all his opponents simultaneously *before* the bout starts. Finally, the massive gravity generated by the energy potential in his foil tip causes girls to be drawn to him irresistably.

Dan Kellner never receives any black cards for this action because the laws of the universe are created by the interaction of his foil tip with random particles. Since Dan Kellner controls his foil tip, he essentially controls the laws of the universe.

This, in many ways, makes Dan Kellner indistinguishable from God.

James.

[Black Jeebus]

{tsk tsk, Dan Kellner.....}

Shouldn't this actually read:

{tsk tsk, Dan Kellnah.....}

[Valerio Versace]

Den Kellner is so good that most people who see him fence can't believe that he isn't actually Italian.

[Frank Pratt]

Den Kellner is so good that most people who see him fence can't believe that he isn't actually Italian.

..or even human.

[Epee Scherma]

Ok ok ok true story. In the middle of a lesson, Dan Kellner failed to make a PERFECT action. So upset he was that he screamed a scream that leveled NYC and threw down his foil. That is passion for fencing ladies and gentleman.

[RITFencing]

Dan Kellner never fails to make a perfect action, you blasphemer! Other people simply fail to understand the perfection of his actions, which gets him annoyed. And you don't ever want Dan Kellner to be annoyed.

[sabreur]

Tiger Woods is where he is only because Dan Kellner thinks golf is boring.

[Black Jeebus]

Dan Kellner created the internet so the glory of Dan Kellner might be spread to all Dan Kellner's children.

[RebelFencer]

Dan Kellner created the internet so the glory of Dan Kellner might be spread to all Dan Kellner's children.

Weak sauce.

Particle physics was initially created as a way to explain the phenomenon that is Dan Kellner, so far it has done nothing but failed.

Dan Kellner has only cried once, the tears landed in a young, unkown Ukranian named Sergei Golubitsky's water bottle.

[D+F+P=Hadouken!]

Dan Kellner is the devil.

In fact, Dan Kellner checks out his own groceries at the grocery store. The cashiers are afraid of touching his demonic credit card, which he uses to purchase demonic food to feed the demon that is Dan Kellner.

[D+F+P=Hadouken!]

The dan kellner facts will be submitted to wikipedia.

Why? Cause they're 100% true!

[RITFencing]

Dan Kellner was the man on the grassy knoll.

Dan Kellner knows who stole the cookie from the cookie jar.

Dan Kellner knows the sound of one hand clapping AND whether a tree makes a sound if it falls and no one is around.

Chuck Norris may have counter to infinity, but Dan Kellner can divide it.

Dan Kellner does not drink water in between DE periods, he drinks only grain alchohol.

Dan Kellner only eats broken foil blades.

Dan Kellner does not fall down... the earth moves up to him.

[llewesglaif]

Well, I dunno if it's true, per se, but I think he's kinda hot...

[Beloit Fencer of Old]

Dan knocked me out of my first DE in a circuit event and I've never gone back to one. That hurt. No, not emotionally...my back hurt for days afterward. But I think that was before anyone knew who he was.

[Inquartata]

Who is Dan Kellner?

[mrbiggs]

Dan knocked me out of my first DE in a circuit event and I've never gone back to one. That hurt. No, not emotionally...my back hurt for days afterward. But I think that was before anyone knew who he was.

Must have been a long time ago; he's been top ten on the points list for at least 10 years.

[piste off]

Who is Dan Kellner?

I have uncovered his true identify...

He is KEYSER SOZE!!!

[Inquartata]

I have uncovered his true identify...

He is KEYSER SOZE!!!

Run, man. Run far, run fast, and change your name!

[Farfetnoogen]

Dan Kellner was the man on the grassy knoll.

Dan Kellner knows who stole the cookie from the cookie jar.

Inspired by those two (^) and in response to Inq's question: Dan Kellner is the muffin man.