All Hail Emperor Totalum!

[esskreemr]

OK. Now's your chance. If you were Emperor of all Humanity, what would you decree? There is no question to your authority, your will is law!

[Fencing Jesus]

I'd outlaw internet dating.

Face to face meetings only. If you can't land a woman in your own neighborhood, then we don't need your dirty little genes contaminating the rest of the world.

Yea baby, I've got your Natural Selection right here.

[esskreemr]

I'd outlaw internet dating.

Face to face meetings only. If you can't land a woman in your own neighborhood, then we don't need your dirty little genes contaminating the rest of the world.

Yea baby, I've got your Natural Selection right here.

You must lead a sad, sad life. Your trolling has went from being idiotic to insipid. Sorry, I'm not in the mood to feed trolls today. Unlike you, I have other things going on.

[Fencing Jesus]

Some people think quite a lot of themselves, don't they.

You asked a question. I answered the question. Now your making insulting judgements about my life. How typical. What gives you the right, pal?

You need to straighten up and fly right.
Oh yeah, and settle down.

I'm outta here.

[swordwench]

I would:

Outlaw right of way. For ALL weapons.

Legalize certain mind-altering drugs and tax the hell out of their users.

Grant my minions authority to fire people at will, even in states that don't recognize "employee-at-will" rules.

Ban the formation of boy bands, and the use of cell phones for inane conversations in public spaces.

Halt production of minivans.

Grant universal health care and higher education to all. No blood for oil. Save the spotted owl. All that liberal stuff.

[bmcfencer]

I'd force bryn mawr to drop it's stupid language requirement. At least for me. And then make the athletics department build a fencing room and hire our coach and buy lots of equipment. Then I'd build the Shakespeare troupe it's own theater and make the airlines put affordable flights between philly and knoxville... oh, and force SEPTA to revamp it's whole system so it actually works.

I'd create a counsil of some of my more brilliant friends and let them run things while I went back to living my life. Don't think I'm cut out for ruling the world, but I know some people who are.....

[Elemental]

I would make it illegal for any band to cover a song by Pink Floyd

I would make it illegal for more than one Starbucks to exist with within 2 miles of each other

I would put a cap on the maximum salary that a pro athlete could be paid.

I would make Howard Zinn required reading in history classes.

I create an elaborate system of catipults and trebuches to allow cheap and quick travel across oceans.

[telkanuru]

No blood for oil.

Really? I mean, dosn't it depend on the quantities we're talking about? Isn't a litre of blood worth 1 billion barrels of oil? I mean, come on!

[Epee_Pox]

When I'm emperor of the world, you'll have to take a driving test to renew your license. Every year for those under 25, every four years for those 25-55, every two years for those 55-65, and every year after 65.

When I'm emperor of the world, prison inmates will do public labor.

When I'm emperor of the world, recipients of public assistance will perform public work to the extent that they are able. They won't be working with the prisoners.

When I'm emperor of the world, no child will advance to the next grade until they have mastered everything they're supposed to have learned in this one. This will be determined by individual schools, but teachers and administrators can be sued by students who are advanced even though unprepared for the next grade.

When I'm emperor of the world, habitual violent criminals and sex offenders will be executed swiftly. Multiple-homicide offenders will be executed swiftly. All other capital punishment (outside the military) will be done away with.

When I'm emperor of the world, everyone will be limited to 8-hour workdays. Even doctors and lawyers and executives. This will increase efficiency, because the work still has to get done before you go home.

When I'm emperor of the world, the same opportunities will be available to everyone of similar ability, regardless of who their parents were. Whether they take advantage of those opportunities, once aware of them, is their own concern.

US GAAP will be enforced worldwide.

It will be a jail offense to wear yellow. Only the emperor may wear yellow. And I won't, because it looks bad on me.

Politeness will not be enforced by law or regulation. It will, however, be strongly encouraged (ahem, hint hint).

Anything that is freely available in the public library will be freely downloadable, copyable, or otherwise available to the public.

Anyone who has read this far will be put on a work gang, as they clearly have too much free time.

Winter clothes will be sold in stores during the winter. Summer clothes will be sold during the summer. Holiday goods will be sold during the relevant holiday and no sooner. Any store selling goods out of season or too soon will have its taxes tripled for the next three years.

Weather reporters who get the forecast significantly wrong will have their foreheads tattooed with a mark for each occasion, so you can tell from looking at them how reliable they are.

Pizza will be declared the official food of the world.

There will be no state religion, but neither shall my government interfere with the free exercise of people's religions, except insofar as such free exercise interferes with other folk's rights.

Rights will be severely limited. Stuff provided by my government will be called "privileges," and you'll know the difference.

Subjects who give me gifts of fencing gear or pizza will be honored.

[D+F+P=Hadouken!]

There will be no sports besides fencing. Uhlmann, allstar, estoc, LP and PBT will be the only sporting goods companies. Foil and sabre will be outlawed. Mr epee will be made my royal advisor. The hit first church of epee will be the world religion. Other religions will be exterminated. Pavel Kolobkov will be referred to by one name, God.

[Goofy]

When I am Emperor of the World, I will appoint Epee_Pox as my successor and immediately step down. Why? See Post #9 in this thread.

[JackOfHearts]

OK. Now's your chance. If you were Emperor of all Humanity, what would you decree? There is no question to your authority, your will is law!

First off, I would order engineers to construct a directional electronic field device that can remotely set off firearms and bombs. Imagine the effect something like that will have on terrorist training camps.

Secondly, I would remove lobbyists from every political center of the world, and make accepting political contributions from major corporations a crime punishable by fifteen years in prison, or ten years community service (cleaning highways, highschool restrooms, and doing rounds in old folks homes for the most part).

Can't really think of much else to add. Except:

I'd outlaw internet dating.

Face to face meetings only. If you can't land a woman in your own neighborhood, then we don't need your dirty little genes contaminating the rest of the world.

I actually know a couple from another internet message board. They "met" online though the board, and after awhile eventually got married. It works for them, though I tend to think they're in the minority when it comes to internet dating actually working.

[fencergal33]

When I'm queen of the world....


Ummmm....that's a really tough question! I'd definitely do all the "liberal stuff" referred to by S'wench earlier. And abolishing Republicans sounds like a pretty decent idea too.

I'd make it illegal for certain people to forget my birthday, anniversary, Valentine's Day, etc. etc. etc.

OOOOhhhh! Immediate death to: Kevin and Brittany, The Crocodile Hunter, and those annoying Boobah things on PBS!!!!


Yeah.....life would be good..... *sigh*

[JackOfHearts]

OOOOhhhh! Immediate death to: Kevin and Brittany, The Crocodile Hunter, and those annoying Boobah things on PBS!!!!

And Britney fans all over the world heave a collective sigh of relief, and thank god for poor spelling.

[fencergal33]

sorry! I never was much of a speller!

But Spears dies!!!!!!

[JackOfHearts]

Well, fencergal has my vote.

Ps: She recently got married. I dunno if she's still using that name anymore.

[Elemental]

sorry! I never was much of a speller!

But Spears dies!!!!!!

May I suggest death by being hurled into the sun? For some reason it just seems appropriate.

[bmcfencer]

That seems like a waste of technology. I propose sending her to work in a public school as a wellness teacher. Won't have a negative impact on that program and would pretty reliably finish her off.

[Rapier_wit]

There will be no sports besides fencing. Uhlmann, allstar, estoc, LP and PBT will be the only sporting goods companies. Foil and sabre will be outlawed. Mr epee will be made my royal advisor. The hit first church of epee will be the world religion. Other religions will be exterminated. Pavel Kolobkov will be referred to by one name, God.

Gosh darn it...you beat me to it! Of course there could be a rule that everyone pays daily dues to the Church of Epee to pay for its members' rather expensive "outreach missions."

Fencergal33 - Hey now...not all of us Republicans are bad...but nevertheless, Spear's has got to go! Hee, maybe stick her in the army and see what happens. Or they could just sit her out in the middle of Iraq. I'm sure that would go over well with the insurgents...

[Inquartata]

If I were Emperor there would be no Iraq. It would be called Halliburtonvania, and it would be the world's first experiment in totally unfettered free-market capitalism.

I would also order the utter extermination of the tobacco plant and all near substitutes, root, leaf and branch ( but especially leaf ). And the destruction of all existing stores of the noxious weed.

Then I would appoint Zilverzmurfen Grand Vizier and retire to a life of hedonistic leisure on the isle of Capri.