Vatican City, Rome, Italy - In a startling crescendo to the "Intelligent Design" vs. "Evolutionary Theory" debate, the Pope has issued a patent request in over 75 countries that claims "all genetic structures of the past, present, and future" as "the unassailable intellectual property of God and Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ". The 3 part, 1 1/2 page patent application summary cites Genesis 1:11 as irrefutable scientific proof without prior art that God owns the genetic code of all plants: "And God said, 'Let the earth put forth vegetation, plants yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind, upon the earth.' And it was so."
The second part of the patent application, the genetic code of the 'swarms of living creature', was supported by Genesis 1:20-21 " And God said, 'Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the firmament of the heavens.' So God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that moves, with which the waters swarm, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good."
The third and final part, considered the most potentially lucrative, claimed rights on the complete genetic structure of man, past, present, and future. Citing Genesis 1:27 "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them".
When asked about potential challenges to the patent, the Pope's representative Archbishop Rambhus Olympias said "The Word of God is absolute. There can be no refutation of His glory and power. As the Head of the Catholic Church, the Pope is infallible in defining God's Will. Therefore, this patent is irrefutable." When asked to quote the specific passage and the Bible outlining the Pope's powers as "God's spokesperson on Earth", the Archbishop declined to comment.
If granted, the patent, which is available for viewing in 30 languages at http://www.allyourbasebelongtous.com, has significant ramifications on life on Earth as we know it. "We intend to use our intellectual property to usher in a new era here on earth. As the undeniable owner of every genetic system on Earth, we intend to be vigorous about protecting our intellectual properties. We realize that we are all God's children, we will therefore allow Muslims, Jews, Atheists, and Protestants to procreate, under a reasonable licensing fee, of course. Sinners, however, will be subject to a more rigorous contracts specifying the terms of usage of our genetic material." He continued "We have already received word that our patent applications (uspto # 2,132,666) have passed the preliminary process in the U.S. As a leader in protecting the valid intellectual property of many corporations, we are pleased the America also recognizes the God-affirmed validity of our sacred claim to the intellectual rights of every piece of genetic material that has been, is now, and shall be. Blessed be those who accept our Lord Jesus Christ as Savior. Everyone else will have to pay a fee."
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