High on Life, Drunk on Booze

[Westley]

I wrote this entire post once and it was deleted- so I'm doing it again. I suggest you listen it to "Wonderful Tonight," by Clapton. You'll see why.

For those who have been under a rock, I'm in a band. I typically play bass. My friend Alex, blond hair, looks a little like Val Kilmer plays the drums. He's amazing. Then there's the Big Guy (aka Biggie), who plays the strat and always plays sitting down on "The Throne," an aluminum chair he brings to every gig. Then there's Erik, skinny kid with Jet black hair who also can play the drums- he sings and plays the guitar and does the synthesizer, which is what he mostly does now, and he's getting really good. He used to be a ***** to be with, but he's gotten bearable. And finally there's her. I found her in a bar and got her into the band. And it wasn't easy either- but she has a voice that's clear and brilliant and simple and perfect, and that all fits the rest of her perfectly. She's funny and smart and silly. She goes to ball games and gets sports and loves the three stooges, and can make a killer BLT (although she puts cooks it with melted cheese- that has to break the rules of the BLT) and, still is a lady, and this was a big concert last night. Kate. Kat. And when I saw her- if you saw her- she was gorgeous. There's no other way to describe it. She had this blue dress with a slit down one leg that was.... wonderful. And she couldn't make a wrong move out there- none of us could. We were touching and powerful, and had them crying and laughing, and I played guitar at some points- I'm really good when I can practice the songs beforehand- and I even sang. The last song, we did "Wonderful Tonight," and I sang, me and her, and she was amazing of course, and after we're done we get a standing applause and there are even lighters out, and we all bow like after a play, and we pack everything up into the van, and we go to a local bar which was paying us to have an after party there. I was going to ask her out. For real. Proper and everything and all that crap, once and for all. And down at the pub I walk up to her, and she turns to me with this glowing smile, the kind you get when everything happens exactly like it's supposed to. And she introduces me to a mousy haired man with these glasses so thick they could stop a nuclear blast. His name is Richard. He's getting his Major in buisiness. And he's a dead man.

I look at him and tell myself he's not right for her. He's too short. He doesn't have her sense of humor. He doesn't have any sense of humor. He hasn't known her long enough. He never had to do the guitar test. Something. Anything. And then I notice the way she acts with him. Happy. Even happier than after the show. He fills her with some kind of soaring majesty that's impossible to deny. And for far too long, I sit there and pretend to be nice. And proceed to get hammered. As in six beers in fifteen minutes. While I'm trying to keep it slow. I meet a decent girl with black hair that caught my eye at the show. Making sure Kate sees me, I leave with her. The girl's name is Denise. She has an Accord. I ask her where she lives as she peels off at unearthly speeds. She tells me she lives at her parent's house- but "they're not home right now." I nearly jump out of the car. There's no way I could do it- Even if she wasn't at her parent's house, I don't think I could have done it.

I walk back to where the Van was parked- It's gone. I get some more drinks, walk to the motel, my feet aching, my legs tired, and drunk as hell. I listen to "Wonderful Tonight" in a constant loop in my head. Even my arms hurt from carrying the alcohol. I flop on the bed, and pull out my Cream of Clapton album, thinking about her, angry at her for pulling this on me, for treating me as her best friend, as her brother, at him for taking her, but most of all at myself for being quiet, for acting like I was happy she found a man. And yet, as I listen to that damned song, I knew I had done the right thing. I was in a dilemna. I could ruin everything she had going for her, I could remove that smile from those lips, and tell her how I felt and lose a great friend, or I could give her my blessing, and wish her luck. Me or her. Selfish or Selfless. And it's no choice. There was nothing I could do. So I drank. I woke up in a bed next to a bottle of Smirnoff that had half poured out over the bed, (I hate Smirnoff) and with that damn song looping on my CD player.

I don't know if I did the right thing. If I'm doing the right thing. I do know that I have to put her first if I want to sleep right, but right now, sleeping's not the part that hurts- it's the waking up. We made a pretty penny last night, so that's good at least. I've been absentmindedly playing guitar- I need something to do with my hands, someone to talk to, I'm fulfilling both those right now.

I need to know I'm not the only one. That this'll all get better. That there are other fish in the sea. That murder was made temporarily legal. That Non-alcoholic beer is just as good as the real thing. I need to know someone out there understands.

[Fencergrl]

Awww Wes... where do I start?

First off... get the song out of your head. The only way to do this is sing "Row Row your Boat".... okay I'll stop joking... but it DOES work.

You're also not the only one...

Gawd... you're just a young pup. There will be sooo many women in your life. Kate is not going to be the only one. Remember our talk about this?

Romances at your age can end quickly. Everyone is happy early on in relationships. You may get another chance with her again. So take it if the opportunity comes up. If not, others will be along.

Also stop drinking. You've had your drunk and had time to feel sorry for yourself. There's nothing you can do, so move on. Drinking will just make you feel worse and increase the chance of doing something stupid.

Take care Wes.
(Fencergrl puts her arm around Wes to give him a hug)

[Westley]

awww..... thanks. Now everyone else gets to wonder why we're not slaughtering each other. And, btw, I'm not usually the type to drink to get drunk- I usually drink because I like it, really. And b/c it's often times free where we play.

[Fencergrl]

Okay enough of us being nice to each other in public.... Gawd... what will the other F-Netters say???

We have reputations to uphold so start insulting me soon or people are going to start calling up Satan and asking if there's snow there yet!

[Elemental]

We have reputations to uphold so start insulting me soon or people are going to start calling up Satan and asking if there's snow there yet!

Nope. No snow here yet...

[Westley]

True, but I do feel rather cold. Thanks for calling!

The odd thing about it is that I'm the reason she's in the band. And now I'm wondering whether I'm glad I did or not. I caused all this- if I hadn't tried to get in her pants to begin with this would never have happened. But with all we've been through together now, I can't imagine us not meeting- she's been there for me- she's been a great friend, and a great person, and a great bandmate and I'm glad I ever got to meet her by the barest stroke of luck.

[mrbiggs]

I hope you feel better.

[Araznal]

Gee, Biggs, you sound so funny right there. Just saying "feel better". You must have had one of these uber-crushes that feel like there's no way to live without the other person. Or maybe that's what you're looking for (explains the general lack of women). Anyway, Wes, all I can say is... good for you. It takes much more guts to let go instead of persisting. Your story just reminded me of a girl I knew (named KAT... eerie), who I haven't spoken to in around 6 months, because I just couldn't stand to be "good friends" (her words, not mine).

On the bright side, life goes on.

[mollusk]

Westley-

She is in the band and that works. Be professional.

[mrbiggs]

Gee, Biggs, you sound so funny right there. Just saying "feel better". You must have had one of these uber-crushes that feel like there's no way to live without the other person. Or maybe that's what you're looking for (explains the general lack of women). Anyway, Wes, all I can say is... good for you. It takes much more guts to let go instead of persisting. Your story just reminded me of a girl I knew (named KAT... eerie), who I haven't spoken to in around 6 months, because I just couldn't stand to be "good friends" (her words, not mine).

On the bright side, life goes on.

Well, I couldn't give him any advice, so I just wished that he'll feel better. It wasn't a command, if that's how it sounded.

[Araznal]

Well, I couldn't give him any advice, so I just wished that he'll feel better. It wasn't a command, if that's how it sounded.

Actually, that's not what I was saying. It just sounded like you couldn't relate. I knew you were being sincere.

[ReverseLunge]

You need to drink more. A lot more. And you need to get more depressed. Be a man and face the pain. Don't try to feel better? What the hell for? you don't have a reason to. These people who are giving you advice are in denial. Their lives probably really suck so dont listen to them. In most cases the love of your life is never the person you wind up with. Now that you have lost her all I can say is welcome to a life of mediocre love. You might find others you will like but never as much again.

[mrbiggs]

Actually, that's not what I was saying. It just sounded like you couldn't relate. I knew you were being sincere.

Okay, good, it's one of those nights where I can't put anything into words. And you're right, I can't relate at all.

[Fencergrl]

In most cases the love of your life is never the person you wind up with.

I was ready to say bull... but you're right. Most people do settle. All I can say is don't. I married a man I am crazy about 15 years later... there is nothing like it. Don't settle for anything less, and don't mess it up when you do find the right one.

As for not finding another that's bull... it's just a numbers game, you meet enough people you eventually find another.

[Go? Fencing?]

Aww, Wes, sweetie, life sucks sometimes. I know what it's like to feel that way about someone who's taken, and although I'm still going through it myself, I'm going to say that God has a plan, and everything will work out, if not with this girl, with another. Have faith in God, faith in yourself and your ability to keep living.

And just remember, no matter what happens, you'll always have CF... or at least movies about her.

[Go? Fencing?]

In most cases the love of your life is never the person you wind up with. Now that you have lost her all I can say is welcome to a life of mediocre love. You might find others you will like but never as much again.

"There are all kinds of love, you know. And sometimes the great love of one's life is not meant to last. Perhaps that's how it became the great love... by ending." -Barabara Taylor Bradford, Three Weeks in Paris

And there's no guarantee that this one is the greatest love you'll ever have. You still have a lot of life to live.

[oso97]

I was ready to say bull... but you're right. Most people do settle. All I can say is don't. I married a man I am crazy about 15 years later... there is nothing like it. Don't settle for anything less, and don't mess it up when you do find the right one.

And thats the trick isn't it? Finding someone you're really crazy about, and not getting confused along the way by distractions.

But Wes, yea, I feel your pain buddy. And I hate to say this, it doesn't get any easier as you get older, the angst just takes different forms. Unless you're one of the lucky, lucky few. For most of us, it doesn't.

But you can cope. I use chocolate and fencing. Playing music is another time honored method - for example, I think I can now go back and play Chopin and do justice to it that I couldn't when I was 18. Alcohol is popular too, but I don't recomend it, except as an occational.

And live for the moment. Enjoy the moments of sheer wonder. Take pleasure in the little things. Its cheesy, its corny, but it will get you through. Hope it helps, buddy.

[Fencergrl]

And thats the trick isn't it? Finding someone you're really crazy about, and not getting confused along the way by distractions.

Yeah... easier said than done... I got lucky. As for my hubby... this his third time for falling in love and knew what was going on.... more important... figured out how to not mess it up.

Neither of us knew that we would still wake up 15 years later laughing and enjoying each other's company.... I know I'll never be the same, nor settle for anything less should I be widowed.

Yeah there's ups and downs... but we really are best friends and equals in every way.

[bmcfencer]

Oh goodness, dude. What a story. I know precisely how you feel, and know nothing I could say would help. I wonder if love wouldn't be so wonderful if it didn't hurt so much sometimes. You took the brave path. Kudos and the best of luck. And here is a truly horrible quote I keep around to remind myself not to hide when my love life is especially bad.....

"Happiness comes more from loving than from being loved; and often when our affection seems wounded it is only our vanity bleeding. To love, and to be hurt often, and to love again- this is the brave and happy life." - J.E. Bucknose

And if you want, sometime I could tell you horror stories from my own soap opera of a life.

[Grasshopper]

Go fence Wes. Fencing is more important than girls.