Jokes. Need I say more?

[Araznal]

Since G?F? is far too lazy to do this, I'll start this off. It's pretty simple: just post a joke. It can be about anything, but keep it reasonably clean (that doesn't mean clean, though, just reasonably clean). I'll start off with a really simple one:

Q: Why did the Polish guy salute the refrigerator?
A: Because he heard it was General Electric.

[ReverseLunge]

A Jewish homosexual is in San Francisco for Yom Kippur, and hears that there
is a gay shul on Canal Street.

He walks on Canal until he sees a synagogue, and enters it. The men are on
one side and the woman are on the other.

Seeing a stranger, the shamas invites him up on the bima for an aliya.
Standing next to him is a good looking guy, so the gay Jew pinches his
toches.

Suddenly, there is silence in the synagogue, followed by murmuring.
The gay says, "What did I do? This is a gay synagogue! What did I do
wrong?"

The shammes screams that the gay shul is two blocks down the street,
and that the gay should get the hell out of this normal shul.

The gay walks down the street and sees a building with the sign "Gay Brethren
of Israel". He enters in glee, and sees that again the men are sitting on
one side and the women on the other. Only this time, they are holding hands
and making out with each other.

The gay takes a seat, and the shammes seeing a new face, invites him for an
aliya. The gay is on the bima, and next to him is standing a very good
looking fellow. The gay can't control himself, and pinches his toches.
Suddenly, the synagogue erupts into a mass of murmuring.

The gay says, "What did I do? What did I do? This is a gay synagogue,
what did I do wrong?"

One man gets up and says, "Yes, this is a gay synagogue! And we have very
few rules here. But one of them is that no one fools around with the
rebbetzin!!"

[Araznal]

That was an awfully Jewish joke for a black guy. Do you know what half the Jewish words are?

Oh, speaking of gay Jews in San Francisco. I had a religious teacher who left our school to do "work" in San Francisco. She hated gay people and the class assumed she was trying to convert gay people to straight Judaism.

I don't hate gay people, though...

[ReverseLunge]

I don't hate gay people, though...

Yes you do.

[ReverseLunge]

Two Jewish women were speaking about their sons, each of whom was
incarcerated in the state prison.

The first says: "Oy, my son has it so hard. He is locked away in
maximum security, he never even speaks to anyone or sees the light of
day. He has no exercise and he lives a horrible life."

The second says: "Well, my son is in minimum security. He exercises every
day, he spends time in the prison library, takes some classes, and writes
home each week.

"Oy," says the first woman, "You must get such naches from your son."

[Araznal]

Alright, enough with the Jews, RL. Jokes are fine, but this whole thing is just irrelevant. If you want, you can make a thread about Jews and I could give you a history lesson.

[Saber-Psycho]

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.
St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. But before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions. Make sure you tell the truth because if you don't, we'll have to ask you to visit the beast below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you will get. You have to have a car here in heaven because it is so huge!"

St. Peter asked the first man, "How long were you married?"

The guy replied, "24 years."

St. Peter then asked, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"

The guy said, "Yeah, about 10 times... but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "Yes, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive."

The second guy got the same questions from Peter to which he replied, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out. I was faithful thereafter."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that. Here's a Mercedes SUV for you to drive."

The third guy said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "Now that's what I like to hear! Here's a Jaguar for you to drive."

A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk, so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked him what was wrong he tearily said, "I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!"

[Araznal]

Thank you SP, for changing the subject. Good joke.

[ReverseLunge]

President Bush calls in the Head of the CIA and asks, How come the Jews know everything before we do?"

The CIA chief says, "The Jews have this expression :'Vus titzuch?'
The President says, "Hell, what's that mean?"

Well, Mr. President", replies the CIA chief, "It's a Yiddish expression which roughly translates to "what's happening". They just ask each other and they know everything."

The President decides to personally go undercover to determine if this is true. He gets dressed up as an Orthodox Jew (black hat, beard, long black coat) and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York, picked up in an unmarked car, and dropped off in Brooklyn's most Jewish neighborhood.

Soon a little old man comes shuffling along. The President stops him and whispers, "Vus titzuch?"

The old guy whispers back: "Bush is in Brooklyn."

[ReverseLunge]

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

"Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!

[fencinman89]

What is Beethoven's favorite fruit?





Ba-na-na-na hahahahahaha that slays me.
-Tre'

[Go? Fencing?]

A joke and its explanation:

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the possum it could be done.

Analyzed in a normal fashion:
Why is this funny? It's not. Perhaps because possums (opossums?) are funny animals....

Analyzed in a Latin fashion:
Well, possum is a verb in the first person singular present active form that means "I can." The joke then continues to use the conditional of the same verb- could. Perhaps this misspelling of "opossum" is deliberate to make the joke into a Latin joke.

Or, perhaps I'm just a language geek.

[Zilverzmurfen]

Or, perhaps I'm just a language geek.

Or perhaps it was just not funny...

Anyway, I've posted it before (in the other jokes thread) but this is one of my favourite jokes in english:



A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The Abbot says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you certainly have a point there. I'll check it out."

So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. Eventually the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall. His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

In a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate, not celibate!"

[Zilverzmurfen]

Two strangers were seated next to each other on the plane when the
first bloke turned to a beautiful blonde bimbo and made his move by
saying, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly, and said to
the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

Oh, I don't know," said the player. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK", said the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me
ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass.
The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?"

"Oh brother," said the hopeful. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t?"

[Orangeaholic]

Here is a blonde joke:

Two blondes are sitting on a porch one night. The first blonde turns to the other and asks "Which do you think is farther the moon or florida?" The other blonde replys "HELLO?!?, can you see Florida?!"

My coach told me that one the other night at training!

I thought it was hilarious!!

~Orange

[Maeve_Mari]

Two salesmen were traveling through northern Wisconsin one Feb. and it started to snow. Harder and harder till they came to a complete stop. One said "Hey there is a light on the hill. Must be a farm house, lets get up there and see if we can sleep in the barn rather than this cold car." After the widow lady answered the door bell and they explained their problem she said "Well gentlemen, you don't have to sleep in the barn. I am a widow and I have three bedrooms here. Please come in and I will make some warm dinner for you." They did and then watched some TV and all went to bed. The next morning the roads had been cleared and they thanked the widow and left.

About 9 months later one salesman got a registered letter from the law offices of Dewey, Cheatham and Howe in Madison Wisconsin. After he read the letter he immediately called his associate and said, "Hey Jim, do you remember when we got stuck in the snow last winter in Wisconsin?" Sure replied Jim. "Well, tell me something, did you by any chance sneak into the widows bedroom that night?" "Well!" replied the salesman, "as a matter of fact I did. But why do you ask?""Tell me something else, first," he replied "did you by any chance use my name?" "Well," said the salesman, "as a matter of fact I did. After all you are single and always sleeping around and I'm married and can't so I figured it was safer that way. Why? what happened? Why are you asking these questions?"

"Well" the first salesman said, "It seems she died and left me the farm!"

[telkanuru]

Why does the blonde always have bruises around her belly button?

Her boyfriend is blonde, too.


A small fish is swimming along the sea floor, through a clump of seaweed. Suddenly, the fish realizes it is not in fact seaweed it is swimming through, but the tentacles of a predator. As it is pulled into the gaping maw, the fish sighed, and exclaimed, "With friends like this, who needs anemonies!"

[Lefty1]

What did the fish say as he ran into the dam?

damn.

[Maeve_Mari]

Microsoft Dinner 98
INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT:


You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to
accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not
give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an
infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others
smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how
good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven.
Set the oven using these keystrokes:

mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat

Then enter:
ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press
start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the
ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of
the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The
oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to
your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your
oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the
dinner from the oven and enter:

ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap

This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave
and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your
oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger
than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of
which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too
large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the
chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety,
call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want
another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However,
that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get
thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the
freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature,
not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

[The0ne]

Whats the difference between a baby and a bowling ball?

You can't catch a bowling ball on a pitchfork.