Jokes. Need I say more?

[Greybeard]

Avast ye - stop and check this out or pay attention
Aye - yes
Batten down the hatches - put everything away on the ship and tie everything down because a storm is brewing
Bilge-sucking - insult
Blimey! - exhortation of surprise
Blow me down! - expression of shock of disbelief akin to "Holy Crap!"
Blow the man down - command to kill someone
Booty - treasure
Buccaneer - a pirate
Bucko - a buccaneer
Cat O'Nine Tails - a whip with nine strands
Corsair - pirates in the Mediterranean Sea
Crow's nest - small platform atop the mast where the lookout stands
Cutlass - short heavy curved bladed sword used by pirates
Davy Jones' Locker - fabled, mythical place at the bottom of the ocean where the evil spirit of Davy Jones brings sailor and pirates to die
Dead men tell no tales - phrase indicating to leave no survivors
Doubloons - other coins or found in pirate hoards and stashes
Feed the fish - will soon die
Hang 'im from the yardarm - punishment of those captured in battle
Head - the pirate ship's toilet
Heave Ho - give it some muscle and push it
Hempen Halter - a noose for hanging
Hornswaggle - to defraud or cheat out of money or belongings
Jacob's Ladder - the rope ladder one uses to climb aboard a sloop
Jolly Roger - pirate's flag including white skull and crossbones over a black field
Keelhaul - punishment in which a person where dragged underneath the pirate ship from side to side and was lacerated by the barnacles on the vessel
Lad, lass, lassie - a younger person
Landlubber - big, slow clumsy person who doesn't know how to sail
Letters of Marque - letters issue from governments during wartime to privateers endorsing the piracy of another vessel
Man-O-War - pirate's ship outfitted for battle
Me - my
Mizzen - third mast from the bow of the ship on ships that have three or more masts
Old Salt - an experienced sailor
Pieces of eight - coins or found in pirate stashes
Pillage - rob, sack or plunder
Poop deck - the part of the ship farthest to the back, which is usually above the captain's quarters. This is not the bathroom.
Privateer - government-sponsored pirates
Rum - pirate's traditional alcoholic beverage
Run a shot across the bow - warning shot to another vessel's captain
Savvy? - do you understand and do you agree?
Scallywag - mild insult akin to rapscallion or rogue
Scurvy dog - the pirate is talking directly to you with mild insult
Scuttle - to sink a ship
Seadog - old pirate or sailor
Shark bait - will soon join Davy Jones' Locker
Shipshape - cleaned up and under control
Shiver me timbers! - comparable to "Holy Crap!"
Son of a Biscuit Eater - insult directed towards someone you don't like
Thar she blows! - Whale sighting
Three sheets to the wind - someone who is very drunk. One sheet is mildly drunk and four sheets is passed out.
Walk the plank - punishment in which person walks off a board jutting over the side of the ship while at sea. The consequence is drowning and a visit to Davy Jones' Locker.
Weigh anchor and hoist the mizzen! - pull up the anchor and the sail and let's get going
Ye - you
Yo Ho Ho - cheerful exhortation to demand attention



And the story goes that a bonnie lass was on the poop deck when she heard a scallywag exclaim shiver me timbers. Then ...........

[matt9476]

Q: How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears?

A: A buck an ear.

[matt9476]

The first mate asks the ship captain why he always wears a red shirt to fight off pirates.

The captain replies, "It keeps the men brave. If I get wounded, you won't see the blood, and you'll keep on fighting."

The next day, a fleet of pirate ships appear on the horizon. The first mate says, "Get me my brown pants!"

[jeff]

10. Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?
9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?
8. Come on up and see me urchins.
7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.
6. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.
5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if I fired me cannon through your porthole?
4. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?
3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.
2. Well blow me down?

And the number one pickup line for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day is …

1. Prepare to be boarded.

[JackOfHearts]

"This pirate walks into a bar with a big ship's wheel down his pants. The bartender says, ''Excuse me, sir, but do you know you have a ship's wheel down the front of your pants?'' And the pirate says, ''Aaar, it's drivin' me nuts!!''"

[Greybeard]

Don't make me start with Jewish woman jokes. Oh wait, the truth hurts

[jeff]

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.

Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!

I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

[fencerbill]

From Dick B.:

Priceless Observations Department:

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
<><>
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall..'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
<><>
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
<><>
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns
<><>
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
<><>
Be careful about reading health books.. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
<><>
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
<><>
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
<><>
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
<><>
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
<><>
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
<><>
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
<><>
Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
<><>
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath
<><>
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
<><>
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields
<><>
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
<><>
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
<><>
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
<><>
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
<><>


And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

[jeff]

A zombie's sex life is actually pretty good for the first few weeks, but then it drops off.

[Greybeard]

My Dr told me this the other day

How do you know when someone has an iphone?

They tell you

[matt9476]

Son: ''Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?''

Dad: ''Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.''

[matt9476]

There once was a man from Cass.
Whose balls were made out of brass.
When they tinkled together,
They played "Stormy Weather"
And lightning shot out of his ass.

[matt9476]

A husband shows his wife a study which indicates that on the average men use 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000.

The wife thinks about this and then tells her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

The husband turns from the paper and says, "What?"

[matt9476]

Her version: Oh did I mention or did I not? Well doesn't matter now, I already started talking. Jane came over, while I was having a cup of coffee. I didn't even sugar the coffee. By the way did you notice that I lost 10 pounds? No, you didn't notice, you never notice. Anyway she came over and wore an ARTIFICIAL wig. I mean isn't that awful? An ARTIFICIAL wig? I mean her husband could buy a real one with his money, but I didn't say anything, it's none of my business. I asked her how much weight she lost and she said she lost 20 pounds. Yeah, right, like I can see, I have eyes you know. Oh did I say why I asked her that? Because we follow the same diet, and you don't know that. Well, anyway, we sat down and had a cup of coffee.

His version: Jane came over for a cup of coffee.

[fencerbill]

From my sister Carol:

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea..'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know poop?

[jeff]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"

[fencerbill]

If you are a grandparent, you will love this one...

A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather
And his poorly behaved 3-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her
That Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for candy
In the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, Cereal, and soda
in their respective aisles.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in
a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, "It's okay,
Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in
there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items
Out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice says,
"Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five
Minutes; stay cool, Albert."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is
Loading his groceries and the boy into the car... "You know, sir,
it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't
Know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, no
Matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying
Things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as a grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "I'm Albert -- the little ****'s' name is Steve.

[fencerbill]

From my younger sister, Holly:

College Cowboy

A young cowboy from Rose town , Saskatchewan goes off to college, but
halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is
developing. They actually have a program here in Regina that will teach
our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $1,000,' the young cowboy says, 'I'll get
him in the course.'

So his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy
calls home.

'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.

'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this.
They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the
animals how to read.'

'Read?!' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that
program?'

'Just send $2,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the
year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he
shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read
something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just
before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back
in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned
to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little
redhead barmaid at the Blue Sky Café and Tavern?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that son of a *****
before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer

[fencerbill]

From Holly again:

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION


'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

[jeff]

Another Church one.

Here is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. Remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing (and cares less) tries to make your life miserable...

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who fu<ked up your hair?"