Jokes. Need I say more?

[Goofy]

*****

How many members of the FIE Executive Committee does it take to change a light bulb?
Doesn't matter, because they're all condemned to eternal darkness anyway.

*****

What would you call 2 FIE Executive Commitee members going over a cliff in a Volkswagen Touareg ?
A complete waste of space. You could have squeezed 6 of them into one of those.

*****

[Araznal]

Bringing back this thread with a bang. I'll post this one and if it's ok, I'll then post the two dirtiest jokes I ever heard.

A young boy goes up to his mother and asks her, "Mom, do people go to heaven feet first?" The mother says, "No. What made you think that?" "Well," says the boy, "yesterday I saw Daddy holding down this woman with her feet in the air and she was saying, 'I'm coming! I'm coming!"

[Goofy]

American Fencers being quizzed by French police
PARIS, France --

The US National Fencing Team’s reputation may be tarnished beyond all repair. The men’s sabre squad is being quizzed by French police after three banned substances were found in their Paris hotel rooms where the team is vacationing prior to the 2005 World Championships to be held next month in Leipzig, Germany. The Americans finished the 2004-2005 season ranked fourth in the world, is currently ranked seventh, and is considered a threat to the final placing of the second-ranked French squad.

The three substances found were toothpaste, deodorant, and soap, all of which were recently banned by FIE President René Roch in attempt to make fencing more ‘marketable to the masses’ (Roch would not comment on the implication that the masses are ‘unwashed’).

The US Team Captain is quoted as saying "We use them every day in America, so we naturally thought they'd be ok throughout Europe."

Along with these three banned substances French authorities physically searched the Americans and found several other interesting items that they had never seen before, including backbones and testicles.

[counter riposte]

A man and his wife had two daughters already, and wanted to have at least one boy to carry on the family name. Nine months later, they were sitting in the nursery waiting to see the new addition to the family. The nurse brought out the most ugly looking baby in the nursery, to which the astonished father looked at his newborn son and asked his wife: "How is it that we have two gorgeous daughters and have our son come out so ugly? Were you cheating on me?"

The wife replied: "Not this time."

[Araznal]

Travis Bacon (that would be Kevin Bacon's son), who went to my camp, told me this... when he was 12!

So, a pickle and a cucumber are in a refrigerator and they are both complaining about how bad their lives are. The pickle says, "You know how bad I have it? When I get big and plump, I get eaten!" The cucumber says, "You think that's bad? When I get big and plump, I'm sliced up and eaten!" Suddenly, a (well I can't use the word here...pretty easy to guess) pops his head up and says, "You guys don't know how bad I have it! When I get big and plump, some guy throws a bag over my head, throws me into a dark room, and keeps pushing me around until I puke!"

Still amazed at how many dirty jokes that kid knew.

[counter riposte]

Prince Charles was stolling down Buckingham Palace with his little dog, Scruffy. As he turned one of the corners, he bumped a table, breaking a vase and killing poor Scruffy.

Out of the vase came a genie (of course), who looked on Prince Charles and said, as you have all the riches you can handle, I can only offer you one wish. Prince Charles looked down at poor Scruffy and said, I wish Scruffy were alive again.

The genie looked at the dog and then at Charles and said, "I could do it, but think about what you are asking me to do. The dog has been so injured that he may be in pain if I bring him back. I can try, but I would really prefer if you asked for something else."

Prince Charles looked at the dog then said, "I used to have a beautiful wife, Diana, who everyone loved. We parted ways, and she was killed in an accident. I am now married to a woman named Camilla, but she is not as beautiful as Diana was, and not everyone likes her. Could you make Camilla as beautiful as Diana was?" The prince then poffered the pictures of both Camilla and Diana to the genie.

The genie looked at the photos and said, "Let's look at that dog again."

[jeff]

Good one, counter riposte!

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and
six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

[Araznal]

Originally Posted by jeff

Good one, counter riposte!

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

Since the story actually says that Jonah was swallowed by a "big fish", it would be the little girl going to hell for misinterpreting the Bible.

[ReverseLunge]

How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?


I have no idea but if I could get two of them to fight over a penny then I can have some new copper wiring for my epee.

[Fencergrl]

A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline blared, '12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed'. She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

[PeterGustafsson]

Hi!


Got this from a Swedish fencer, and vetted it through a fencing101 member.

Here goes:
Subject: A vert silly one to start Monday !
Date: Mon, 17 Oct 2005 18:59:37 +0200



>Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept >through the class.
>
>One day the teacher tried to catch little April out to see if she was paying attention in class. She called on her while she was napping. "Tell me, April, >who created the universe?"

>When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pen and jabbed her in the rear.

>"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good," and April >fell back asleep.

>A while later the teacher asked April,"Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April >didn't even stir from her slumber.

>Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS >CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good," And April fell back >asleep.

>Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam >after she had their twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with >the pen.

>This time April jumped up and shouted:

>"IF YOU STICK THAT F###ING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT >IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR A*#SE!"


Have a nice time!

Peter Gustafsson

[Go? Fencing?]

Here's a true-life joke for all you Latin lovers out there...

My godfather used to have kidney stones, but now he's dilapidated.

Ba-dum-ching!

And another-

I'm a righty, although I can also write with my left hand. My left hand isn't very dextrous, but then again, why should it be?

Okay, just one more-

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the possum that it could be done.


In the words of my Latin teacher, Optime!

[Araznal]

Just heard this one, I think it's great:

So the congregation is together for Yom Kippur, and the Rabbi asks, "Has everybody forgiven their enemies today?" Around half of the people raise their hands, not a very good showing. So the Rabbi continues and asks again later, "Has everybody forgiven their enemies?" Now everyone raises their hand except one little old lady in the back. The Rabbi says, "Mrs. Cone! You haven't forgiven your enemies?" "Nope" replies the old woman. "Could you tell me why?" asks the Rabbi. "I don't have any" replies Mrs. Cone. Amazed, the Rabbi asks Mrs. Cone to come up to the address the congregation. Mrs. Cone gets her cane and makes her way up and the Rabbi asks, "Mrs. Cone, how old are you?" "96" says Mrs. Cone. "And how is it that after 96 years you have no enemies?" asks he Rabbi. Mrs. Cone smiles and says, "all the b*tches died."

[Zilverzmurfen]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir" says the waiter "what you order?"
"Chicken Surprise" the husband replies.






(...wait for it...)






"Ah, so sorry" says the waiter "I bring you Peeking Duck."

[sabreur]

Once upon a time, there was a happy land on top of a mountain, populated by a cute, fuzzy tribe of fictional creatures called Trids. The Trids were very happy living on their mountain, until one day an evil giant came along and kicked them all off the mountain into the dark valley below. The Trids tried to take back their mountains many times, but to no avail--the battle would always end with the giant kicking all of them down into the valley.

One day, a brave rabbi came along and was outraged by the injustice of this scenario. He rallied the Trids to him, saying that such a wrong could not stand and that they had to take back the mountain. So the Trids followed the rabbi up the mountain, and a great battle ensued. Unfortunately, the outcome was the same as always--the giant kicked all the Trids down the mountain, and the rabbi found himself facing the giant alone.

"Well, come on!" the rabbi shouted defiantly, "Aren't you going to kick me down the mountain too?"

"No," said the giant,




"Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids."

[Zilverzmurfen]

Originally Posted by sabreur

"Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids."

Ok, now I feel stupid...


I don't get it!

[sabreur]

Bottom of the second paragraph:

http://www.cereal.com/Breakfast-Cereals/trix.htm

It's a pretty lame joke.

[Fencing Jesus]

Two jokes with the same answer

What is my least favorite sport, and least favorite vacation destination?



Any guesses?

[D'Art]

Originally Posted by Fencing Jesus

Two jokes with the same answer

What is my least favorite sport, and least favorite vacation destination?



Any guesses?

Is the answer:-
Diving?