Jokes. Need I say more?

[Goofy]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you- I've been doing this for weeks now."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy strolling down the sidewalk. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Don't you know that the dollar is worth more than the two quarters?"

The boy replied, "Yeah, but but the day I take the dollar the game's over!"

[Goofy]

A man was walking along a California beach, when he saw a bottle in the sand. He rubbed the bottle to clean it up, and (of course) a genie appeared.

The genie told the man, "For releasing me you will be granted one wish."

The man immediately said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The genie answered, "Hmmm... Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports would have to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take- the amounts are astronomical. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify granting this wish. Why don't you take a little more time and think of something else."

The man thought for a long time and finally said, "I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing' when I ask what is wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy!"

After a few minutes the genie said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"

[melihop]

Originally Posted by Goofy

The man thought for a long time and finally said, "I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing' when I ask what is wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy!"

After a few minutes the genie said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"

hahaha! very good.. this one is being passed on!

[Robert Smith]

Very old, quite localized and needs to be spoken. So not the best of jokes for this particular milieu, but anyway:

Q:What's brown and smells and comes out of cows?


















A: The Isle of Wight ferry.

[Teme]

It was spring in Berlin, so professor Einstein popped in the office of the Berlin University and gave an envelope to the clerk.
"It's the questions for the physics finals. Would you kindly make 20 copies of them?"
"Of course, herr professor", says the clerk and takes the paper out. To his astonishment the paper looks familiar. "But, herr professor, is there a mistake? They're the same questions as last year!".
"Oh, yes. I've changed all the answers...".

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A computer geek died, and was met with perplexed St. Peter.
"It seems you have done neither good or bad even once in your life. Frankly, we don't know where to put you."
"Well, as long as there's a keyboard and stuff..." the geek shrugged.
"I guess I let you choose by yourself", St Peter shrugged too. "This is heaven, " he said, and they were in a big room filled with latest harware of every kind, TFT-screens glowing on the walls.
"We're running all the latest software, too. And the network is amazing, you can spend eternity going through all the sites we have access to..."
"Awesome! Errr... what's the Hell like, then", mumbles the geek unable to get his suddenly misty eyes off the stuff.
"You'll be the support person here".

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This one's allegedly a true story, and although it fits the character, I'm in doubt:

The future president of Finland, U. Kekkonen, held his first office as a minister of internal affairs and was not (yet) very well know. Once, as a minister, he traveled by train on an inspection trip with the chairman of board of the National Railways. Arriving to the railway station of Lahti, Kekkonen turned to the chairman and said he'd heard that the employees of railway were often rude and uncooperative.
"No way. That's impossible, they are highly trained professionals", claimed the chairman.
As the train stopped, the chairman excused himself, for in those days the were no toilets in the trains.
Left alone, Kekkonen saw the conductor standing on the platform. He opened the window and popped his head out: "Excuse me, where are we?" he asked.
The conductor, standing next to sign with "LAHTI" written in big letters, answered politely, "We're at Lahti, sir."
"Thank you." A minute passed. Kekkonen leaned out again.
"Excuse me, where are we?", he asked.
The puzzled conductor looked at the sign, then at Kekkonen. "We're still at Lahti, sir. As the sign here says, sir". "Thank you very much".
Another minute passed. The chairman came back and sat. Kekkonen leaned out again, and adressed the conductor: "Excuse me, where are we?"
"What's wrong with you, baldy? Can't you ******* read?" yelled the conductor and angrily slapped the sign.
Kekkonen turned smiling back to the red-in-the-face chairman.

[Goofy]

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the
backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever
sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?" the man asks.

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a bunch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the owner says.

"That dog is incredible," says the man, "Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

The owner replied, "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

[telkanuru]

I think I've told this one before...


So e^x and f(x) = C are walking down the street. In the distance, they see a differential operator approaching. f(x) = C of course flees in terror, fearing negation to zero, but e^x walks on unconcerned. E^x walks right up to the differential operator and says, "Hi, I'm e^x." Replied the differential operator, "Hi, I'm a differential operator with respect to y!"

A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all camping in 3 separate cabins. Somehow, during the night, all 3 cabins catch fire. The engineer wakes up, realizes his cabin is on fire, computes the exact amount of water needed to put out the fire, but then gets as much as he can carry and puts out the fire and then some. The physicist wakes up, also realizes his cabin is on fire, calculates the exact amount of water needed, gets that amount, precise to the mili-litre, and puts out the fire. The mathematician wakes up, realizes his cabin is on fire, and calculates the exact amount of water needed to put it out. Then, satisfied that there is in fact a solution, turns over and goes back to bed.

"I know some of you have encountered mathematicians and you must wonder, therefore, how they got that way." -Tom Lehrer

[Goofy]

There are three engineers in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then the Microsoft engineer comes up with a suggestion. "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work..."

[oiuyt]

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture containing a herd of sheep, and told to enclose them with smallest possible amount of fence. The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution." The physicist is next. She creates a fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, "This will give the shortest fence around the herd." The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I define myself to be on the outside!"

-B :)

[Goofy]

An engineer, a mathematician, and a computer programmer are driving
down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The engineer
says that they should buy a new car. The mathematician says they should
sell the old tire and buy a new one. The computer programmer says they
should drive the car around the block a few more times and see if the tire fixes itself.

[Araznal]

An engineer and a mathematician are guessing the height of a flag pole. The engineer says, "I'd say it's about 20 feet high." The mathemaatician says, "Well, judging from the angle of sight, I'd say it's about 25 feet high." Suddenly, a philosopher passes by and the engineer asks, "Hey, how high do you think that pole is?" The philosopher then takes down the pole and pulls out a tape measure. He measures the pole lying on its side and says, "That pole is exactly 22 feet high." The engineer says to the mathematician, "Boy, those philosophers. You ask for height and they give you width!"

[Larrison]

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday
minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take
what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit."


-------------------------
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these
guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a
word with him." [dramatic pause] "Hi, George. Say, what's with that group
ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last
year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer
for them tonight.
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"


---------------------------------------------------
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


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An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."


--------------------------------------------------
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

[poor_nizzie]

Signs you're watching too much TV
1. The bumper sticker on your car reads: "What Would Dawson Do?"
2. In the middle of an exam, you tell the professor you want to use a lifeline.
3. You need to be tranquilized when the cable goes out.
4. In the late evening, you look forward to sitting back and catching the latest informercial.
5. If you're a witness to an argument, you instinctually shout, "Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!"
6. You try to impress the opposite sex by saying, "Hey, I get 120 channels!"
7. Your entire CD collection consists of "Greatest Hits" albums by the decade.
8. You have a gold-plated "clicker."
9. Your intellectual discussions all stem from The Discovery Channel.
10. After 15 minutes of work, you need a two-minute break.
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Signs You've Been Partying Too Much

1. With a little effort, you could pull the bags under your eyes over your head.
2. When the professor calls out your name during attendance, you rhythmically cry out "In da' house!"
3. Your dirty laundry has become the closest thing to wall-to-wall carpeting.
4. Every study group you join gets fed up with your need to take a break for techno and grinding.
5. All your stories begin with, "I was so wasted..."
6. Your Native American name would've been "Man of Running Body Fluids."
7. You refer to sunlight as a "that bright ****."
8. You look forward to the weekdays as a time to relax.
9. Whenever you see a blinking "Do Not Walk" sign, you think how great it would look if you were on ecstasy.
10. All your stories end with, "...and that's when everything got blurry."
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A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.
As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"

She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"
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A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."

Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man exclaims, "Damn - this thing must be an hour fast!"

[Goofy]

So you want the day off, huh? Let's see.....

There are 365 days this year.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break. That accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work.

We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only one day available for work, and NO you cannot have it off!

[counter riposte]

A computer geek died and went to heaven.

Upon reaching the gates, St. Peter said, well you haven't been bad, but you haven't really been great either. So, I'm going to give you a choice on how you want to spend eternity.

St. Peter showed him heaven, to which there was the fastest and best computers you could possibly imagine, the fastest speed of information possible, which would give the accessers near omnicience of the happenings of the world below.

The computer geek cried at the joy of seeing such raw computing power. He turned to St. Peter and asked. "If this is heaven, what would hell be like?"

St. Peter replied, "You would be tech support here."

[Goofy]

How does Rene' Roch change a lightbulb?

He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him.

[bmcfencer]

So these three guys are trying to figure out how to cross a river, and while they're thinking they decide to fish for awhile and manage to catch a mermaid. She begs and begs for them to let her go, but they won't and finally she offers each of them one wish in exchange for her freedom. They accept, and the first guy asks her to make him twice as smart. So she makes him twice as smart and he swims across the river. The second guy asks to be three times as smart. She makes him three times as smart and he builds a raft to row across the river. The third guy tells the mermaid to make him four times as smart and she cries "NO! Please don't make me do that!". "Do it!" he says,"Or I won't let you go!". So she turns him into a woman and he walks across the bridge.

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Three women (a blond, a red head, and a brunette, of course) are sitting in a bar, and a man comes running down the stairs yelling gleefully and clicking his heels together. After he runs out the door the women turn to the bartender and ask what the man was so excited about. "well," says the bartender, "we have this magic mirror upstairs, and if you tell it a truth it will give you your fondest desire. If you lie it will suck you into it's vortex where you'll trapped forever." The women were naturally interested in this mirror, and the red-haired women decided to go up first. She looks at the mirror and says "I think I'm the most attractive woman at this bar." Nothing happens, so she shrugs and walks downstairs, where an incredibly handsome man iss waiting. He sweeps her into his arms and then into his waiting Porshe. The brunette decids to go next, and she looks into the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most intelligent woman in this bar". Whereupon money starts raining from the ceiling. She gathers it up and leaves. The blonde goes up next. She looks at the mirror and says, "I think.............."

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What's brown and sticky?

A Stick!!

That is my sister's favorite joke. Usually followed by....

"Ask me if I'm a stick"

"Are you a stick?"

"No!"

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On a random note, one of my friends tried to make me angry (so I wouldn't fence as well) before a pool bout by telling me lots of racist jokes. I beat him 5-0. wOOt!

[Goofy]

A man got home from work one day and asked his wife how her day went.

"Fine," said Mom. "Oh, before I forget, I wanted to let you know that I got a complete FIE kit for our son."

"Now that was a smart trade!" Dad replied.