Jokes. Need I say more?

[Goofy]

Being in agreement with the ladies, I say back on with the (hopefully) funny stuff!

WORDS OF INSPIRATION

* Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

* Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

* TEAMWORK -- means never having to take all the blame yourself.

* Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

[Mr Epee]

The funniest joke I ever heard - I started laughing so hard that I totally missed the punch line... so if you know the ending of this joke please share.


The joke starts off with a good telling of the Ant and the Grasshopper. You know, where the Ant works all summer preparing for winter, and the Grasshopper spends the summer playing... well the twist in this one is that the Ant gets a knock on the door in the middle of winter, so he opens the door to find the Grasshopper's chaufer standing by the door, and the Grasshopper stepping out of a limo wearing a top hat twirling a gold chain....

something about that image started me laughing real real hard, so I missed the rest of the joke.

----------------------------
Ok, Here's my favorite joke from Bulgaria.

Two Gypsy women are working in a field picking carrots.

One woman pulls out a large specimen, and shows it to the other gypsy woman. Do you see this carrot, she asks. It reminds me of my husband. The other woman looks at the carrot, and says, Really? That big? The first woman says - yes, and that dirty...

Enjoy!

[Robert Smith]

Personally, I always liked the dead baby jokes. Nice bit of gallows humour never did nobody no 'arm. Then there were the frog in a blender jokes, and the nun jokes - what's black and white and spins as it screams? - A nun on a spit. Ah, nostalgia. Ain't what it used to be.

Originally Posted by Goofy

WORDS OF INSPIRATION

* Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

* Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

* TEAMWORK -- means never having to take all the blame yourself.

* Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Reminds me of the wonderful calendars at despair.com. If you've not seen them, they're well worth a look.

[telkanuru]

Originally Posted by Zilverzmurfen

Telk, I didn't report your post but I find your Dead Baby "jokes" rather tasteless...

That was the point

Glad I could serve

[Saber-Psycho]

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."

[counter riposte]

A blonde needs money for the weekend, so she walks up to someone's house and asks if there are any projects she can do to earn some money.

The man said "Sure... You can paint my porch. The paint is in the garage." The blonde goes happily into the garage to get the paint. The man's wife asks, "Are you sure she knows what she's painting?" To which he replys, "She should, she was standing on it."

Two hours later, the blonde returns.

"There was extra paint left over, so I gave it a second coat." The man pays her $100 for the job, but as she's walking away notices that the porch isn't painted. He yells at the blonde as she's walking away, "Why didn't you paint the porch?"

She yells back "Oh, it's not a porch, It's a Ferrari."

[Goofy]

Rene’ Roch is visiting a primary school and he walks into one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asks Mr Roch if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the FIE leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says Mr Roch," that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Mr Roch. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Mr Roch searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a jet carrying Mr & Mrs Roch were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims Roch, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

[Araznal]

Oh, no I can't give rep for that Goofy... That was absolutely hilarious. Who was it originally?

[Fencergrl]

George Bush was who it was about the first time I heard this joke...

[D'Art]

Originally Posted by Araznal

Oh, no I can't give rep for that Goofy... That was absolutely hilarious. Who was it originally?

To quote Homer J. Simpson - "It's funny coz its' true!"

[Zesty]

Quite a good one from a TV show a few weeks ago. It's about the environment.

(To be read in a strongly Scottish accent) "The government is proposing that we spend a large amount of money to preserve the environment for our children and our children's children. But what happens if our children decided that they don't want to have children. Let's not spend what is quite a lot of money on hypothetical children.

Another thing, if you show a child a shiny red bike and a clean river, I'll show you a child sitting on a shiny red bike whilst p!ss!ng in a river."

It was funny at the time.

[Saber-Psycho]

Young Justin has a cursing problem, and his father’s getting tired of it.

He decides to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink says, “Negative reinforcement. Since Christmas is coming up, ask Justin what he wants from Santa. If he curses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of each gift he requests.”

Two days before Christmas, Justin’s father asks him what he wants for Christmas. “I want a d@mn teddy bear lying beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs, I want to see a d@mn train going around the d@mn tree. And when I go outside, I want to see a d@mn bike leaning up against the d@mn garage.”

On Christmas morning, Justin wakes up and rolls into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walks downstairs and sees another pile under the tree. He walks outside, looks at a huge pile of dog poo by the garage, and walks inside. His dad smiles and asks, “What did Santa bring you this year?”

Justin replies, “I think I got a godd@mn dog, but I can’t find the son of a b!tch!”

[foildad]

Why should you take two Mormons with you on a fishing trip?

If you only take one, he'll drink all your beer.

[sabreur]

A guy bought a parrot. The seller warned him, "This parrot was owned by a sailor, and has an absolutely filthy mouth." The buyer, who was fairly mild-mainnered, said, "Oh, I'll use positive reinforcement and get the parrot to quit swearing."

He got the parrot home, and the seller wasn't kidding. The parrot swore all the time. He tried to ignore it, but it was really annoying and embarrassing when he had company. One day, the Dalai Lama came to visit, and the guy warned the parrot not to swear. "Go stick you ***** up a ****** you, ******, ******, *******," said the parrot. The guy completely lost it, grabbed the parrot, and threw it into the freezer compartment of the refrigerator. The parrot squawked and screamed and then suddenly was silent. The guy looked at the Dalai Lama, who shrugged. After about fifteen seconds, the guy was filled with remorse, and opened the door to the freezer. The parrot walked out and said, very politely, "You know old chap, I've had a change of heart. I'm very sorry about all the swearing and bad language in the past, and I promise never to swear again."

The guy was surprised, but pleased, and thanked the parrot. The parrot answered, "Oh, think nothing of it. By the way, what did the chicken do?"

[telkanuru]

Young Timmy was frequently rejected by girls whose companionship he sought. So he thought he would go and ask advice of his Uncle Olli, who was known by many to be a wise man. So Timmy went to Uncle Olli and said, "Uncle, Uncle, the girls don't like me very much."

"Well, put a potato in your pants, son!", advised the wise uncle.

Timmy left full of excitement, but returned a few weeks later crying his eyes out.

"Uncle, Uncle," he said, "the girls all HATE me!"

Replied his Uncle, "The potato goes in the front son! In the front!"

[Saber-Psycho]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked,"What the heck is going on?"

The drunk, still staring down, replied:

"I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."

[Goofy]

During a thunderstorm the river began to overflow its banks. Residents of the town began to evecuate, but one very stubborn man refused to leave his home.

He sat on his porch and watched as the water covered his front yard. Someone in a large SUV drove up, and told the stubborn fellow to get in and be taken to higher ground.

"Nope," said the man. "Jesus will save me."

The water continued to rise, covered the porch, and the stubborn man moved inside. After an hour or so a man in a rowboat came to the house.

"Jump in and we'll make it to higher ground," the man in the boat said.

"No. Jesus will save me." came the reply.

Only a couple of hours later the water was up the roofline. A helicopter came over the house, and a man was hoisted down.

"Come on and we'll take you to safety!" cried the rescuer.

"No. Jesus will save me," once more was the reply.

A few more hours passed and, of course, the stubborn man drowned. At the pearly gates, he requested to see Jesus and then read Him the riot act.

"What happened? I lived my entire life for You. I prayed un-ceasingly to You and believed in You. And yet You let me drown! Why??!?!"

The Lord replied. "What are you mad at me for? I sent you a truck, a boat, and a helicopter....."

[DruggedZorro]

found this somewhere on my computer... thought it was funny:

How many sabreurs does it take to change a light bulb?
- Eight: Two to charge at each other screaming, one to call the halt and four to abstain from making any claims. The eighth guys runs and gets someone to change the light bulb.

How many sabreurs does it take to change a light bulb?
- None. Sabreurs aren't afraid of the dark.

How many sabreurs does it take to change a light bulb?
- "If we fenced dry, we wouldn't have to change light bulbs!"

How many epeeists does it take to change a light bulb?
- Two, but they have difficulty getting both bulbs in at the same time.

How many foilists does it take to change a light bulb?
- Trick question; changing light bulbs is too practical for foilists.

How many SCA geeks does it take to change a light bulb?
- "A light-what?"

[DruggedZorro]

here's another... I can't remember where I found it:

Fencing Glossary
Abstain: French for "so sorry, I wasn't paying attention."

Advance: Forward motion made by male fencers toward female fencers, usually resulting in a three-yard penalty, a red card, and a slap across the face.

Alléz: Place to go for a cigarette in the middle of a tournament

Attack in Preparation: When you sneak up and hit your opponent while they're still putting on their uniform.

Ballestra: Male ballerina.

Barrage: Shelling your opponent with cannon fire from several miles away.

Beat attack: Counting 'a-one, a-two, a-1,2,3,4' before hitting your opponent

Change of Engagement: Selecting a new fiancee.

Corps-a-corpse: Sin of the Fleche. French for "full contact fencing."

Coupe: Little foreign car fencers often drive.

Croise: A French pastry.

Derobement: The Houdini-like motions required by fencers to escape their straightjacket-like fencing uniforms.

Disengage: Getting rid of your fiancee, usually by fencing too much.

Dry Fencing: Fencing without alcohol

En Garde: French for "On Guard," a paranoid state in which the fencer believes everyone is out to get him.

Engagement: What your fiancée breaks when they realize all you care about is fencing

Envelopment: What fencing does to people who just want to "try it once"

Feeble: What old fencers eventually become.

Feint: What a fencer does after they get their credit card bill from a tournament weekend

Fencing Time: Usually lost in equipment down time, tournament waiting time, etc.

FIE: A curse given in Old English.

Fleche: Is all bruised after a few bouts.

Foible: The mistake you make that lets your opponent get a hit.

Foil: What you are trying to do to your opponent

Forte: The cost of a new blade

French Grip: The fencers secret handshake

Guard: What you have to do at tournaments so your teammates don't "borrow" all your food.

Lamé: Fencers term for a non-fencer

Off-piste: How you feel when your expensive equipment starts failing

One-Two: Basic fencing dance step. Followed by "Cha-Cha-Cha."

Overlay: What the fourth person in the back of the Fiesta has to do

Passé: All those other sports you tried before fencing

Phrase: When fencers manage to string words together rather than grunting monosyllabically

Piste: How to end a tournament. Or start it, in some cases

Pistol Grip: What you want to grab when you loose a 14-14 D.E. on a questionable call

Plaqué: What you get between your teeth if you don't brush

Pommel: Beating your opponent senseless with the hilt of your weapon, for sabre fencers only.

Principle of Defense: De grass is always greener on de other side

Quarte: A measure of liquid (i.e.: A quarte of milk. Or indeed a quarton of milk)

Quinte: No such word as...

Redoublement: Pause during the bout for the fencer to take another breath mint

Replacement: What you have to buy quickly at the Paul stand when your last body wire fails.

Right-of-way: That driving law you may need to ignore to get to a tournament on time

Score: What fencers try to do in the Venue after they've lost a match.

Second Intention: What you need to come up with when your attack fails miserably

Steam fencing: Fencing in a sauna

Stop-hit: Look left, look right, listen, look right again and then hit

Taking the blade: To steal someone else's weapon

Tempo: Usually moderato, but faster on the rocky bits and the middle eight.

Touche: A famous cartoon turtle