Jokes. Need I say more?

[rac]

Math

One attractive young businesswoman to another, over lunch:

My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying.

[rac]

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

[rac]

Childhood misconceptions,
Collected at iusedtobelieve.com:

I used to think our lawn mower was called a “lawn lower”. This made sense because it made the grass lower. When I found out I was wrong I still thought my way made more sense because I didn’t think “mower” was even a real word. By the time I was 8 I finally got it right. – Mr. E

My brother and I thought that Grandma lived at the airport because that’s where we always went to get her. Then when we were tired of her, we took her back. – Susan

When I was little, I thought that the “viewer discretion is advised” warnings before television programs meant that you weren’t supposed to talk about what you saw. – Rin

As a child I was totally floored by the fact that my dad owned a monkey wrench. We had never had any monkeys that needed to be taken apart and I could never figure out which part of a monkey it would fit on even if we had. – Gif

I used to believe that any royal people like kings or queens used a brand new spoon for every bite of food and never ever re-used silverware. I would count how many bites I took at dinner and try to calculate how many spoons the Queen would need to eat dinner. And then how many spoons she would use in a day! I still am not totally positive this isn’t true. – Anon

I used to think that vanilla was the absence of chocolate, not its own flavor. – Gen

I was raised Catholic, and had the idea of “inviting Jesus into your heart” a little confused. Apparently, he knocked all the time, and when you answered, he could come inside & be inside your heart. The symbolism of this was somewhat lost on me though - I routinely used to kick Jesus out of my heart before I did bad things. I would tell him to leave, and once the evil deed was done, I would say, “O.K., Jesus, you can come back in now.” This went on for years. — Amberjane

[jeff]

I LOVE MY JOB
Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea . I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.

It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose , which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

; What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn.

I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

In agony I realized what had happened.

T he hot wat er machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
T he crea m put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day.

[fencerbill]

I'm sure that you have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctor's offices on everything from tissues to exam table cover paper. Well, in my book, this one should get the prize....


One of our doctor buddies e-mailed back:
'If the light stays on for more than 4 hours, call your electrician.'

[rac]

Playing Games

There is a knock on St. Peter's door. He looks out and a man is standing there. St. Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A short time later there's another knock. St. Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, and the man disappears once again. "Hey, are you playing games with me?" St. Peter calls after him. "No," the man's distant voice replies anxiously. "They're trying to resuscitate me."

[rac]

Some cute one-liners:

1. Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted.


2. A termite walks into a bar room and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"


3. "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."


4. What's brown and sticky? A stick.


5. Why are proctologists so gloomy?
They always have the end in sight.


6. What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
Roamin' Catholic.


7. What did the apple say to the orange?
Nothing stupid, apples don't talk.


8. What do you do with a dog that has no legs?
Take him out for a drag.


9. Why can't a chicken coop have more than 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.


10. Famous last words of a mafia hitman: "Who put the violin in the violin case?"


11. How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?


12. What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
Robin, get in the car.


13. What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.


14. What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A private tutor.


15. What do you call spending the afternoon with a cranky rabbit?
A bad hare day.


16. Have you ever seen an elephant hiding behind a flower?
That's because he hides well.


17. What was the centerpiece of the annual
Anorexia and Bulimia sufferers convention?
A cake jumping out of a girl.


18. Where do kings keep their armies?
In their sleeves.


19. Why don't anteaters get sick?
Because they're full of anty-bodies.

[rac]

Bob was dating a girl from a very posh family. She invites him to dinner with Pater and Mater at home.

Bob knows naught of social graces, but follows everyone's lead at table and fancies that he's doing well until, during the salad course, a piece of lettuce falls into his lap. Nobody seemed to notice but Bob is stymied. How to recover the lettuce? He is seated at table facing a window, the girlfriend facing him (back to window) and the parents at either end of the table to his left and right.

He arrives at a solution, thus: "Wow, look at that!" as he motions toward the window. They all look, he picks the lettuce off his lap and returns it to his plate. The perfect crime, yes? But they continue to look out the window.

He stands up to look himself, and sees two dogs copulating on the well manicured lawn.

[rac]

Blonde Diary

Dear Diary,

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with the expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind. Then this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still had not paid for them. Now just because I'm a blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year... Namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllllooooo??? It's been a year!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He did not call back. Boy, I bet he felt dumb!!

[fencerbill]

From Mary A.:

Summer Classes for Men at

THE

ADULT LEARNING CENTER



REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED

by Friday, August 17th 2008

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL

OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM



Class 1

How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .



Class 2



The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?

Round Table Discussion.

Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.



Class 3

Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.



Class 4

Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.



Class 5

Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?

Examples on Video.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning

at 7:00 PM



Class 6

Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.

Help Line Support and Support Groups.

Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM



Class 7

Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.

Open Forum

Monday at 8:00 PM , 2 hours.



Class 8

Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.

Graphics and Audio Tapes.

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.



Class 9

Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined



Class 10

Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?

Driving Simulations.

4 weeks, Saturday's noon , 2 hours.



Class 11

Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.

Online Classes and role-playing

Tuesdays at 7:00 PM , location to be determined



Class 12

How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion

Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .



Class 13

How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.

Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.



Class 14

The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.

Live Demonstration.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

[rac]

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...











The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep'a scrollin'...











So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either

[rac]

Retired People

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about five minutes and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi."

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo."

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus!

[rac]

From the NYTs:

An important letter from Santa Claus to all children:

In preparing your letter to Santa, you must submit a 100-page turnaround plan documenting how you expect to be good.

If approved by the Grinch from Alabama, you will receive half your presents at Christmas and the batteries to run them in March.

Note: that all end-of-year allowances must be forfeited, and current parents must be dumped, even though previous parents may be responsible for your bad behavior. An appointed czar, who once read a blog on child-rearing, will make your life decisions for you.

Bicycles are not allowed; more expensive hybrid tricycles will be substituted, whether you fit one, or not.

If you do not comply with your plan to be good, you and all the people you know will have their homes foreclosed, and you will be replaced by a child from Asia, who gets to keep your toys and send your allowance back to his or her home country.

Kids from Wall Street are exempt from all of the above.

Merry Christmas,

~Santa

[fencerbill]

A husband and wife were sitting around talking. The husband said " say something that will make me both Happy and Mad". The wife thought a while and said "are you sure you want me to do this"? He said "yes". She said "you've got the biggest penis of all your friends".

[matt9476]

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven. Thereby, this proves the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[rac]

A young nun who worked for a local home healthcare agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up. The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If that car starts, I'll go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life!"

[rac]

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Utah State Troopers Ball." He replied, "Utah State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he had just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.