A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''
The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
__________________
"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
"So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" — Possom Lodge Motto
A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie, I''m here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?"
"No," the farmer said.
The second beau came to the door and said, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"
"No."
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''
The farmer shot Chuck.
__________________
Can't you, just this once, f*** off?
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first
lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he 'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut !!!
__________________
"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
"So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" — Possom Lodge Motto
A policeman pulled Mark's car over and told him that because he had been wearing his seat belt he had just won $5 000, in an Arrive Alive safety campaign.
Mark could hardly believe his luck.
"What are you going to do with your cash?" asked the traffic cop.
"Well I guess I'm going to get a drivers license," Mark answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled Tom in the passenger seat.
"He tries to be smart when he's drunk."
This woke up Roger in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment there was a knock from the boot and Zakes' voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
The cop fainted.
__________________
"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
"So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" — Possom Lodge Motto
A woman sitting at a restaurant suddenly began to cough while eating a giant country-fried steak. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals at the next table turned to look at her. "Can you like swallow?", asked one hillbilly.
The woman signaled 'No', desperately shaking her head. "Can you like breathe?" asked the other hillbilly.
The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shook her head 'No.' With that, the first hillbilly walked over to her, lifted up the back of her skirt, pulled down her panties, and quickly ran his tongue up and down the woman's butt crack.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again. The man slowly walked back over to his table and proudly took another sip of his drink.
His partner said in admiration, "well now, I did heard of that Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I never did saw anybody done it before.. "
__________________
"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
"So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" — Possom Lodge Motto
Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven. But then again, so is thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least a 100 grand!
Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said .
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.
That is why one treats the other like toxic waste.
Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
BONUS STORY
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a coin.
The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled, 'It really works!'
__________________
"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
"So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" — Possom Lodge Motto
The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.
They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out 'My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!'
The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.
The Irishman calls out, 'Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?'
The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. 'Yes, I am Jesus' he says.
The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him 'I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me.'
So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.
The Englishman then calls out, 'Errr, excuse me Sir but would you be Jesus?'
Jesus smiles and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'
The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus This the bartender duly does.
As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.
Then the Australian calls out, 'Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?'
Jesus nods and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'
The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over Pot of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, this he accepts with pleasure. Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. Oh God, the arthritis is gone,' he says. 'The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. By Jove', he exclaims, 'The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a Miracle!'
Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face. The Aussie whispers.'Piss off mate, I'm on workers disability benefit'
__________________
"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
"So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" — Possom Lodge Motto
Donald Trump's daughter, Ivanka, was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be very liberal, and among other liberal ideals she was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs -- what her dad dismissed as "redistribution of wealth."
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch conservative, and a rich one at that -- a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his, rather than benefit society.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. "You don't need to spend money on these expensive furnishings in this huge house when there are people who need to earn more than minimum wage and better food!" she lectured.
To her shock and amazement, all The Donald said in reply was "Welcome to socialism."
That's it? she thought to herself -- no argument? But before she could even think of a follow-up, he actually changed the subject! "How are you doing with your studies?" Trump asked her.
Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"
She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."
The Donald was closing in now. He asked Ivanka, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."
Ivanka, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair!? I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"
The Donald slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to capitalism."
[No offense to "The Donald" but I really don't think he's smart enough to come up with this but what the hey!]
__________________
"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
"So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" — Possom Lodge Motto
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."
__________________
Can't you, just this once, f*** off?
A Tennessee man says he named his newborn daughter Sarah McCain Palin Ciptak in honor of the Republican presidential ticket without telling his wife. He may regret the move when he finds out his wife is changing her name to Mareed N. Idiot. – Paul Seaburn, Spring, Texas
__________________
"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
"So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" — Possom Lodge Motto
Why did the chicken cross the road? We asked a variety of people about this:
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN McCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
D1CK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS (KFC): Did I miss one? Damn.
__________________
"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
"So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" — Possom Lodge Motto
