An Army of One ... Dishonorable Man Who Is No Longer Invited to Our Private Balls.
The Best Part of Living in a Claustrophobic Society With Little to No Social Mobility Where Individuals Are Valued for Their Land and Yearly Income ... Is Folgers in Your Cup.
Maybe She's Born With It. Maybe She's Destined for Spinsterhood.
Dude, You're Getting a Carriage.
All of these are courtesy of: McSweeneys.net which keeps an intriguing list of lists.
__________________
"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
"So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" — Possom Lodge Motto
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
__________________
"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
"So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" — Possom Lodge Motto
On a train from London to Manchester, an American tourist was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips make your above the rest of us. Look at me ... I'm me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman replied, "Very sporting of your mother."
__________________
"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
"So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" — Possom Lodge Motto
The Center for Disease Control (CDC) has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer(WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises!
Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the universal antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until all evidence of WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends
Note: If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is already controlling your life! Use the antidote immediately!!!
Have a Nice Day!!!
__________________
It is now after July 4th. My avatar with the Xmas hat is no longer late.
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who
else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
__________________
"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
"So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" — Possom Lodge Motto
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it
to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess,
I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful
princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.
__________________
"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
"So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" — Possom Lodge Motto
A man named Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger comes up behind him and asks Have you got the time?
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and turns around. After glancing at his wrist he says it's about a quarter to six.
Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch, exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out, and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues I've put in regional accents for each city.
The display is unbelievably high quality for a mere watch, and the voice is simply astounding - smooth and perfectly audible, without the tinny sound you might expect from a speaker that could fit on a watch. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.
That's not all, says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons it has more than a dozen and a tiny but very high resolution map of New York City appears on the display. If we were outside, Jake says apologetically, it could show you where we were by satellite positioning, but under this roof all it can do is remember my last position and a map of the surrounding area. View recede ten, he adds to the watch, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.
It responds to voice? gasps the stranger, and Jake nods enthusiastically. But I haven't got it all programmed yet, most of the functions are still button-activated.
I want to buy that watch, says the stranger. Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs, says the inventor. But look at this: and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters as well as trigger the stopwatch function for close racing finishes, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all to the now drooling listener, has capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard size books, though I only have 32 of my favourites in there so far, says Jake. He starts up The Moon is a Harsh Mistress, by Robert Heinlein, and although the stranger has never heard of either he can still hear those amazing un-tinny voices coming out of the normal-sized watch on Jake's wrist.
I've got to have that watch, he says.
No, you don't understand; it's not ready
I'll give you $1000 for it.
Oh, no, I've already spent more than $8000.
I'll give you $10000 for it.
But it's just not done.
I'll give you $15000 for it. And the stranger pulls out a chequebook. I've just *got* to have that watch.
But.... Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he could make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only another half a year. $15000?
The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now.
Jake abruptly makes his decision. Ok, he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange, the check for the watch, and the stranger starts happily away.
Hey, wait a minute, calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake indicates the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. Don't you want the batteries?
__________________
"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
"So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" — Possom Lodge Motto
Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a PC in the corner.
Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
Lucifer: That was Bill Gates! Why did you give him the best place of all?
Satan: That's what everyone thinks!
Lucifer: What about the PC?
Satan (laughing): It's got Windows 95! And it's missing three keys!
Lucifer: Which three?
Satan (screaming): Control, Alt and Delete!
__________________
"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
"So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" — Possom Lodge Motto
Ten automated e-mail responses (From NYT Humor Page):
1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.
10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as “Kate” instead of Dave.
__________________
"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
"So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" — Possom Lodge Motto
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as
PINO MORE
__________________
It is now after July 4th. My avatar with the Xmas hat is no longer late.
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob , after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Spit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who spits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of spit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep spit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
__________________
It is now after July 4th. My avatar with the Xmas hat is no longer late.
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man or his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
__________________
"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
"So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" — Possom Lodge Motto
A woman in her fifties is at home happily jumping naked on her Bed and squealing with delight. Her husband looks in the bedroom, and watches her for a while, then asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's The matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think - I just came from having a Mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have The breasts of an 18 year-old."
The husband: "What did he say about your 55-year old ass?"
She replies, "Your name never came up.
__________________
"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
"So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" — Possom Lodge Motto
