Jokes. Need I say more?

[Lefty1]

Thought this joke was really funny, I got it off ComedyCentral.com:

A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.
The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn't even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.

The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn't want that room, and they moved on.

The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around in about two feet of poop. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.

The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Back on your heads!"

Lefty1

[Goofy]

A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens -- he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention-- so he's let go.

The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too.

They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem...."

[Lefty1]

Here's another funny one I found

MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

[Goofy]

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to", replied St. Peter, "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were several of her dearest friends and they were all dressed in fine evening wear and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.

They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.

She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went back up to the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you're staff."

[Lefty1]

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

[JackSparrow]

Q. Why can't Miss Piggy count to 100?

A. She gets to 69 and gets a frog in her throat.

[poor_nizzie]

In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette"

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."

The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"

He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

[Goofy]

A burglar had just broken into a house and was stealing anything he could get his hands on. Then he heard a voice that said "Jesus is watching you."

Thinking it was in his head he continued on his business. Then he heard it again, "Jesus is watching you."

The burglar, not very religious but still scared, flipped on the light not caring if he was caught by the house owners. All he saw was a parrot in the corner. The parrot then said, "Jesus is watching you."

The burglar asked the parrot his name. The parrot replied, "Deuteronomy."

The burglar laughed and said "Who would name their parrot Deuteronomy?"

The parrot said, "Same person who would name their rottweiler Jesus."

[Araznal]

A guy walks into a bar and orders three single shots of whiskey. He keeps this up once a day for a week, until the bartender finally asks, "why order three separate shots?" The man says, "I'm drinking one shot for each of my brothers and one for myself" Two weeks later, the man walks in and orders only two shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "why not three? Did something happen to one of your brothers?" The man says, "oh no, I just gave up drinking."


It's an old one, but hey, I like it.

[Zilverzmurfen]

Originally Posted by TLH

....Please don't tell me that ZZ is blonde....PLEASE...

I'm a blonde...

[Saber-Psycho]

Originally Posted by Zilverzmurfen

I'm a blonde...

I've gotcha back.

Why do brunettes know so many blonde jokes?

Gives them something do to on Saturday night.

[Goofy]

Two pretzels walked into a bar.
One was a salted.

Two fish were in a tank.
One said to the other, "You man the guns, and I'll drive."

A man walks into a bar carrying jumper cables.
The bartender tell him, "You can stay, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender asks her to leave, saying "Sorry, but we don't serve food here".

[Go? Fencing?]

A man went on a cruise in the Carribean. One morning while he's eating breakfast, he takes a look around at all the different people on board the ship.

At the table next to him is a young couple, clearly very much in love. In fact, they looked like they were on their honeymoon. The husband looked over at his new wife and said, very sweetly, "Pass the sugar... sugar."

The next couple that the man saw was a slightly older couple, but still very much in love. The husband looked over at his wife and said, "Pass the honey... honey."

The man looked over towards the other side of the room and saw an older couple. The husband turned to the wife and said, "Pass the tea... bag."

[Saber-Psycho]

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

[Goofy]

Creation Theory

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

[telkanuru]

How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

10: 1 to hold the bulb and 9 to drink whisky 'till the room spins.

How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

2: 1 to hold the lightbulb, and the other to hold the penis... I MENT LADDER

What's worse than 10 dead babies in 1 trashbag?
1 dead baby in 10 trashbags!

What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies?
I haven't got a Ferrari in my garage...

How do you make a dead baby float?
1 scoop ice cream, 1 scoop dead baby.

How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles?
Nail its other hand to the floor.


The best thing about babies is when you're finished with them, they're biodegradable!

[keith]

whats red and sticky and sits in the corner?
a baby chewing razor blades.

whats green and turns red at the flick of a switch?
A frog in a liquidizer.

Whats green and whistles and turns red at the flick of a switch?
A frog in a liquidizer pretending it doesn't care.

[Zilverzmurfen]

Telk, I didn't report your post but I find your Dead Baby "jokes" rather tasteless...

[Fencergrl]

I'm with ZZ on this one.