Jokes. Need I say more?

[rac]

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called “dough.” It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average North American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a “gateway” food item, leading the user to “harder” items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

From the NYT Humor page...

[rac]

Coincident Deaths

Two Women have just arrived in Heaven and are chatting at the Pearly Gates.

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! My name is Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. Instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and I finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer........we'd both still be alive!!

[rac]

A little boy wanted $100.00 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those ~censored~ deducted $95.00.

[rac]

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

[rac]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

“What a coincidence,” he said, “This is a special day for me, I’m celebrating.”

“This is a special day for me, too, and I’m also celebrating!,” says the woman.

“What a coincidence,” says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, “What are you celebrating?”

“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant!”

“What a coincidence,” says the man. “I’m a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally laying fertilized eggs.”

“That’s great!” says the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?”

“I switched cocks,” he replied.

She smiled and said, “What a coincidence!”

[rac]

10 Indicators your employer changed to a cheaper health plan

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an apple a day."

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

[rac]

"OLD" IS WHEN.....Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN.....Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN.....A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN.....Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN.....You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN.....You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN....."Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN.....An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

[rac]

River riddle

You are in a jungle and you come across a crocodile infested river. You must cross the river. These crocodiles are very hungry and ferocious. Fortunately for you, I can train you to get you safely across. Are ready to take the training?

To begin your training, I'll present you with a refrigerator and ask you a question. How do you put a giraffe into the refrigerator?



Simply open the refrigerator, put the giraffe inside, then close the refrigerator. Now let's move on to your next lesson. How do you put an elephant into the refrigerator?



Nice try, but you are not paying attention! First you open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant, then close the refrigator. Now that you have the general idea of the training, let's move on to the final phase. The King of the Jungle, Mr. Lion, has called a meeting and every animal is required to attend. Every animal has come to attend, except one. Who didn't attend?



It is the Elephant! He is stuck in the refrigerator, remember? Well, you are just not ready, but we have no choice. The time has come to cross the river. How will you do it?



To get across the river, you simply swim across it! You see, the crocodiles are at the meeting!

[rac]

Three men met St.Peter at the pearly gates on Christmas Eve.

"In honor of this holy season" St Peter said "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into Heaven.

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter, "it represents a candle he said". You may pass through the Pearly gates said St Peter.

The second man produced a set of keys, he shook them and said "they're bells"
You may pass through the Pearly gates said St Peter.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of womans panties.
St Peter raised his eyebrows and asked "and just what do they symbolize?"
The man replied "they're Carols" .....

[rac]

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water
tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon,
and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax
and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains
the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word " benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

[rac]

WICO -- (Women In Charge Of Everything)

Is proud to announce the opening of its
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
ALL ARE WELCOME

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants. The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with Basket (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -
Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH;
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT;
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available

[Timo]

Originally Posted by BAKER/the/swd/grl

http://www.maniacworld.com/maze_game.htm

Freaking hilarious.

Oh my god!!! I just showed that to my little brother. He jumped, screamed, and then slammed the laptop shut. Hahahaha!

[rac]

Cards that should be available

1. I always wanted to have someone, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me ..

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!

6. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

7. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?

8. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often .

9. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday...
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.

10. Looking back over the years that we have been together, I can't help but wonder.....
(Inside card) - What the hell was I thinking

11. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.

12. Thank you for being part of my life.....
(Inside card) - I never knew what evil was until I met you!

13. Congratulations on your wedding day!
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.

14. How can I say this....
(Inside card) - Your cooking kills me

15. Hooray.....
(Inside card) - You're divorced.

16. I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened...
(Inside card) - Especially since you survived.

17. Congrats on getting married...
(Inside card) - It's not everyday you decide to ruin your life.

18. Someday I hope to marry...
(inside card) - Someone other than you.

19. We have been friends for a very long time....
(inside card) - What do you say we stop?

[rac]

Valentine's Surprised

At the office, where I worked, there was an angel there.
Her hair was long and flowing, and her skin was soft and fair.

I wanted so, to ask her out, but I was way too shy.
I thought she was too beautiful, for me to even try.

A few times I approached her, she just smiled and walked away.
I could not get the courage up, and "Hi" was all I'd say.

Then, I had an idea, I would get her home address,
And send a valentine to her, and with it I'd express,

The way I feel about her, and the way she makes me feel,
And the feelings that I have, are very, very real.

I'll tell her, that I dream of her, and how it all would be,
If she would only take the time, to be alone with me.

I poured my heart out in the card, and ask her to be mine,
And then I dropped it in the mail, my special valentine.

In just a few short days, I had a response in my mail,
A card with her return address, I started feeling pale.

I wondered what she said in it, and what she thinks of me,
I guess the only way to know, is open it and see.

With great anticipation, I removed the envelope,
And closed my eyes a moment, as my heart filled up with hope.

I opened up my eyes to see, a card shaped like a heart,
And in the center, someone drew, a bloody piercing dart.

I opened up the card to see, if writing was inside,
And when I started reading it, I damn near almost died.

I'd love to be your valentine, but I think I will pass,
My husband says he'll be at work, to kick your stupid a**.

I'm glad you like my body, and you think it's really fine,
My husband says this card is going, where the sun don't shine.

In your card, you said there's things to me you'd love to do,
I think my husband's going to do, all of those things to you.

So, have a Happy Valentines, I'll see you Monday morn,
My husband says on Tuesday, you'll wish you were never born.

[jofongo]

a blonde walks into a building and says , OW!!!

[rac]

Religious Humor

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, 'I know what the Bible means!'
His father smiled and replied, 'What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, 'I do know!'
'Okay,' said his father. 'What does the Bible mean?'
'That's easy, Daddy...' the young boy replied excitedly,' It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'


There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
'Is there anything breakable in here?' asked the postal clerk.
'Only the Ten Commandments.' answered the lady.


'Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say,
'Good morning, Lord,' and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good Lord, it's morning.'



A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then, he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: 'I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.' When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note 'I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.'


There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: 'I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.'

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humour, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... 'Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step in exhaust.'


A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
'Reverend,' said the young man, 'I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.'
The minister chuckled, 'I know what you mean. It's the same in my business.'


People want the front of the bus, The back of the church, And The centre of attention.


Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, 'Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt.'
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said, 'Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.'


The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
'Here's a copy of the service,' he said impatiently. 'But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.'
During the service, the minister paused and said, 'Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.'
At that moment, the substitute organist played, 'O Canada.'
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

[rac]

In Japan the worlds oldest man celebrated his 113th birthday. His secret to longevity: He drinks milk every day, eats regular meals and avoids alcohol, tobacco and Godzilla. – Doug Austen