Jokes. Need I say more?

[rac]

Dear Husband,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had got my hair and nails done, cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the football. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.
Either, you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P. S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Yorkshire together! Have a great life!
-Your EX-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.
When you cooked my favourite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed £50 from me that morning and your negligee was £49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for £10 million I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.
But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a penny from me. So take care.

P. S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

[rac]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working
at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics
and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder
and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave
his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride
and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school
to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where
he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best
friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the
best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth
returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for
the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as
a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he
received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and
a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

[rac]

Who was Jesus?

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian

1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.

[rac]

Pay Raise

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase

The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora, the gardener did."

[rac]

A letter to Dr.Phil

Dear Dr.Phil,


I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what
could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my
wife has been cheating. The usual signs. The phone rings, but if I
answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been vying out with her
work colleagues at span recently, although when I ask their names she
always says, "Just some friends from work. You don't know them." I
sometimes stay awake to look out for her lift coming home, but she
always comes walking up the driveway. as I hear the sound of a cab
leaving, around the corner, as if she has got out and walked the rest of
the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all? I once picked up her
cell phone, just to check what time it was and Ayoo! she vyed tananas,
completely berserk. She quickly grabbed the phone out of my hand and
vloeked me blind, accused me of trying to spy on her. Anyway, I never
brought the subject up with my wife. I think deep down, I just didn't
want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided
to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Citi Golf 1.4
with mags, M3 mirrors, Fosgate sound and Nos next to the garage and then
duck behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the
corner when she arrived. It was at that moment, crouching behind
my Golf that I noticed a small amount of brake fluid leaking from the
rear brake drum. So, tune me is this something I can easily repair
myself or do you think I should take it to the garage??

Yours truly
Manogran (Mano)

[rac]

Bear and Rabbit

A bear and a rabbit are taking a sh1t in the woods.

The bear turns to the rabbit and says..."Do you have
a problem with sh1t sticking to your fur"

The rabbit replys..."no...I do not"

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

[rac]

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 61-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter. We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?

"What's that?" I asked "It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said. I said, "No" - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was "my lucky night".

I went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:

"Mum, you still awake?"

[rac]

"My grandma lost her husband the other day"

"I'm so sorry that's sad to hear"

"He's not dead , he was in Ikea"

[rac]

Class Photograph

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; ...she's dead."

[fencerbill]

From sister Carol:


The Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh



The dizzy aunt -------------------------------- Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes --------------------- Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store Stop n Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia -------------- U Gogh

The cousin from Illinois ---------------------------- Chica Gogh

His magician uncle ---------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin -------------------------------- Amee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach---------- Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle --------------------------- Can't Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt---------------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle ------------------------------ Fla min Gogh

The fruit loving cousin--------------------------- Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking---------- Way-to-Gogh

The little bouncy nephew------------------------ Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco-------------------------- Go Gogh

His niece who travels the country in an RV--- Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling - there ya Gogh !

[rac]

Vatican Debate

Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe's Latin wasn't very good - in fact, he knew very little--but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate?

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

[Go? Fencing?]

From Not Always Right:

(Often I enter the beer cooler with shorts, a t-shirt and some rubber-hand work gloves on.)

Me: *walks out of the cooler*

Customer: “Are you f***ing insane? It’s freezing in there."

Me: “I don’t mind it.”

Customer: “That’s bulls***! You know it’s cold. Why would you lie to me?”

Me: “Excuse me? I’m pretty sure I know my own tolerance and I’m working so I get a bit warm, even in there.”

Customer: “WARM!? In a COOLER!? You’re a G**D*** LIAR! How can you be WARM in THERE!”

Me: “I’m Canadian, and ever since my igloo melted I only feel at home in there.”

Customer: “Oh, I didn’t know. I’m sorry for your loss.”

[rac]

Finally, a story with a moral.


A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell each child a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. The teacher realized that only Ernie was left. 'Ernie, do you have a story to share? ''Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Sharon.She was a fighter pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down just in case the bottle broke, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.' 'Good Heavens,' said the teacher. 'What kind of moral did your daddy t ell you from this horrible story?'

'Stay the **** away from Aunt Sharon when she's been drinking.'

[rac]

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less

NOW ............

Enough of that rubbish . . . The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.



MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

[rac]

From the NYT Humor Page:

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Dear Desperate:

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the command C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and installing Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please remember Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly WAV files. DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 to default to the program Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the operating system. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program but it does have a limited memory and can’t learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system performance.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

[rac]

1. Thou shalt read Thy problem.

2. Whatsoever Thou doest to one side of ye equation, Do ye also to the other.

3. Thou must use Thy "Common Sense", else Thou wilt have flagpoles 9,000 feet in height, yea ... even fathers younger than sons.

4. Thou shalt ignore the teachings of false prophets to do work in Thy head.

5. When Thou knowest not, Thou shalt look it up, and if Thy search still elude Thee, Then Thou shalt ask the all-knowing teacher.

6. Thou shalt master each step before putting Thy heavy foot down on the next.

7. Thy correct answer does not prove that Thou hast worked Thy problem correctly. This argument convincest none, least of all, Thy teacher.

8. Thou shalt first see that Thou hast copied Thy problem correctly before bearing false witness that the answer book lieth.

9. Thou shalt look back even unto Thy youth and remember Thy arithmetic.

10. Thou shalt learn, speak, write, and listen correctly in the language of mathematics, and verily A's and B's shall follow Thee even unto graduation.

[rac]

* Murphy's law and its corollar