08-20-2008, 11:05 PM
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#1081 | | Sr. Spirits Inspector
Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Florida
Posts: 2,181
| On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
__________________ "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. "So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" Possom Lodge Motto | 
|  | | And now for this message... |
| |
08-20-2008, 11:07 PM
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#1082 | | Sr. Spirits Inspector
Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Florida
Posts: 2,181
| Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied, still in pain, in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his trousers, and put her hands inside.
She began to massage him, and then asked, "How does that feel?"
"It feels great," he replied "But my thumb still hurts like hell."
__________________ "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. "So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" Possom Lodge Motto | |
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08-20-2008, 11:08 PM
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#1083 | | Sr. Spirits Inspector
Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Florida
Posts: 2,181
| A little boy comes down to breakfast.
Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast till the chores are done.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast, and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother and with a smile says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
__________________ "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. "So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" Possom Lodge Motto | |
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08-20-2008, 11:11 PM
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#1084 | | Sr. Spirits Inspector
Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Florida
Posts: 2,181
| A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancιe is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, gets married, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.
This was the first time he had seen them.
She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the box!"
__________________ "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. "So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" Possom Lodge Motto | |
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08-20-2008, 11:12 PM
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#1085 | | Sr. Spirits Inspector
Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Florida
Posts: 2,181
| Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.
The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.
The retired couple said it was no problem at all.
The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem.
The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
__________________ "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. "So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" Possom Lodge Motto | |
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08-20-2008, 11:13 PM
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#1086 | | Sr. Spirits Inspector
Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Florida
Posts: 2,181
| A cowboy walks into a barber shop, sits on the barber's chair and says, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber begins to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen kneels down and begins to shine his shoes.
The cowboy says, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replies, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.
The cowboy says, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
To which she replies, "You tell him. He's the one shaving you."
__________________ "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. "So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" Possom Lodge Motto | |
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08-20-2008, 11:15 PM
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#1087 | | Sr. Spirits Inspector
Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Florida
Posts: 2,181
| An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society.
All are keen to make an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
"Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started: Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English b***ard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.
When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying: Deer Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland b***ards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.
When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying: Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."
__________________ "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. "So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" Possom Lodge Motto | |
| | |
08-20-2008, 11:16 PM
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#1088 | | Sr. Spirits Inspector
Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Florida
Posts: 2,181
| A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five bucks you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray.
He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.
Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five bucks."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
__________________ "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. "So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" Possom Lodge Motto | |
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08-20-2008, 11:17 PM
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#1089 | | Sr. Spirits Inspector
Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Florida
Posts: 2,181
| A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work.
The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.
So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill"
She ignores the remark.
A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!"
She ignores this remark as well.
Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky.
The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."
__________________ "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. "So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" Possom Lodge Motto | |
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08-20-2008, 11:18 PM
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#1090 | | Sr. Spirits Inspector
Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Florida
Posts: 2,181
| One night a Blonde Nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish."
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways."
"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she said.
"Just name it," said God.
"It's those Blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to Blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for Blonde jokes to stop."
"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."
"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.
"Name it, please," said God.
"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel!"
__________________ "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. "So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" Possom Lodge Motto | |
| | |
08-20-2008, 11:20 PM
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#1091 | | Sr. Spirits Inspector
Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Florida
Posts: 2,181
| So you think your life is bad...
Just think how bad the life of an egg is...
You only get laid once
You only get eaten once
It takes 4 minutes to get hard and
2 minutes to get soft
You have to share a box with 11 other guys
And the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!
__________________ "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. "So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" Possom Lodge Motto | |
| | |
08-20-2008, 11:21 PM
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#1092 | | Sr. Spirits Inspector
Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Florida
Posts: 2,181
| In 1991, Duke University funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the Man more pleasure during sex. After Duke published the study, Stanford decided to do their own study. After three years of research and $250,000.00, they concluded that the reason was to give the Woman more pleasure during sex. The University of Wisconsin, unsatisfied with these findings, spent $13.27 (for a Playboy, Penthouse, and a case of Old Milwaukee) and concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
__________________ "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. "So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" Possom Lodge Motto | |
| | |
08-20-2008, 11:22 PM
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#1093 | | Sr. Spirits Inspector
Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Florida
Posts: 2,181
| A blond heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note
For her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the
Note, he felt there must have been a mistake. He thought she probably meant
1.5 Gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the note.
The blond came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to
Leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
The blond said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with
milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"
The blond said, "No, just up to my neck, I'll just splash it in my eyes."
__________________ "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. "So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" Possom Lodge Motto | |
| | |
08-20-2008, 11:24 PM
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#1094 | | Sr. Spirits Inspector
Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Florida
Posts: 2,181
| There were two nuns.
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for The past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!
SL : The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM : And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought this would be dirty,
Pray for forgiveness!
__________________ "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. "So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" Possom Lodge Motto | |
| | |
08-20-2008, 11:29 PM
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#1095 | | Sr. Spirits Inspector
Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Florida
Posts: 2,181
| The chief of staff of the US Army decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that would be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new M-1 Battle Tank, a pair of twin well built, neatly kept brothers who looked like they had just stepped off an Army Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the best Army in the world?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"
The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills can you bring to this man's Army?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"
"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Army, what else do you know how to do?"
"I chop wood!"
"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century and our battles are fought with our minds as much as with our bodies!"
"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Duh! I have to fri**n' *chop* it before he can pile it!"
__________________ "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. "So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" Possom Lodge Motto | |
| | |
08-20-2008, 11:33 PM
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#1096 | | Sr. Spirits Inspector
Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Florida
Posts: 2,181
| Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
__________________ "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. "So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" Possom Lodge Motto | |
| | |
08-20-2008, 11:37 PM
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#1097 | | Sr. Spirits Inspector
Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Florida
Posts: 2,181
| Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a *****."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a *****?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a *****."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a *****."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a *****."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a *****."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A *****!!!"
__________________ "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. "So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" Possom Lodge Motto | |
| | |
08-20-2008, 11:42 PM
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#1098 | | Sr. Spirits Inspector
Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Florida
Posts: 2,181
| A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the do | |
