Jokes. Need I say more?

[rac]

You gotta love a good nurse.

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well,

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence:

'Get well soon....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week...'

[rac]

Patient: “Doctor, are you sure I’m suffering from pneumonia? I’ve heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus.”

Doctor: “Don’t worry, it won’t happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia.”

[rac]

God and Devil

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99 pence double-cheeseburger.

And the Devil said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Yeah, I'll have king-size" And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yoghurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And the Devil brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And the Devil brought forth fried chicken so big it needed its own plate.

And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the Devil brought forth satellite TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between BBC1 and BBC2.

And Man gained pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fat fried them. And he created ketchup and salt also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And the Devil saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And then the Devil created waiting lists.

[rac]

(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the police log of Sarasota, Florida.)

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to here car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly women described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Moral of the story: If you going to have a senior moment...make it memorable!

[rac]

Dick Cheney and President Bush are having breakfast at the White House.

The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like and he replies, 'I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit.'

'And what can I get for you, Mr. President?'

George W. looks up and replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, 'How about a quickie this morning?'

'Why, Mr. President!' the waitress exclaims, 'how rude! You're starting to act like President Clinton.' And the waitress storms away.

Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers.....

'It's pronounced 'Quiche'.

[rac]

Ole married an attractive woman, Lena, half his age. After several months, Lena complained that she had never climaxed during sex, and, according to her Grandma, all Norwegian farm women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the large-animal Vet (since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Mower County).

The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and dad, Olga and Sven, would fan a cow that was having difficulty birthing a calf to cool her down and make her struggles easier.

So, the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile, young man to wave a towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to climax.

So the couple hired a young man from the big city of Minneapolis named Lars to wave a towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, still no climax.

They went back to the Vet. The Vet said for Lena to change partners and let Lars have sex with her while Ole waved the towel.

They tried it that night and Lena went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one after the other. When it was over, Ole smugly looked down at Lars and said, 'Ya see, city slicker, now DAT's
how ya wave da towel! '

[rac]

From the news:

DENMARK: A patient broke wind while having surgery and set fire to his genitals. The 30-year-old man was having a mole removed from his bottom with an electric knife when his attack of flatulence was ignited by a spark. His genitals, which were soaked in surgical spirits, caught fire. The man who is suing the hospital, said: "When I woke up, my penis and scrotum were burning like hell. Besides the pain; I can't have sex with my wife." Surgeons at the hospital in Kjellerups said: "It was an unfortunate accident."

[fencerbill]

From Mary A:

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said "Unbutton your shirt."

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office

She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have gotten disability, too

[rac]

Restroom Fun

So yesterday I was traveling down the interstate to visit family and I needed to use the restroom really bad, so I stopped at a rest area. I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying “‘Hi, how are you?”

I’m not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don’t know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, “Doin’ just fine!” So the other guy says “So what are you up to?”

What kind of question is that? By this point, I’m thinking it’s pretty bizarre that a stranger expects to conversate while taking a dump so I reply “Uhhh I’m probably like you, just traveling?” At this point I’m wanting to get the hell outta there as fast as I can when dude asks another question… “‘Can I come over?”

Ok, this question is just too weird for me. Like, WTF! But I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
“Nah man, I’m a little busy right now!”

Right then, dead silence… then I hear the person say (kinda nervously) “Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.”

[fencerbill]

From Marilyn M:

This was nominated for best joke of the year - worth sharing.

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country , giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!'

The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !'

The person says, 'I not American, I Vietnamese.'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful America !'

That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not American!'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an American?'

She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'

Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Americans?'

The African lady checks her watch and says...'Probably at work!'

[Neinteen]

It seems that there were twin brothers, John and Joe. John was married and Joe was single. Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated boat. It so happened that Joe's boat sank on the same day that John's wife died.
A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street, and mistaking him for John said:" I was sorry to hear of your great loss, and you must feel terrible." Joe replied; " Well, I am not a bit sorry. She was a rotten old thing from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, and she smelled of old fish. The first time I got into her she made water faster that anything I ever saw. She had a crack and a pretty big hole in front that kept getting bigger and bigger every time that I used her. It got so I could handle her all right, but when someone else was using her she leaked like anything. This is what finished her off: Four guys from the other side of town came down looking for a good time. They asked if I could rent her to them. I warned them that she wasn't so hot, but the crazy fools all tried to get into her at the same time. It was too much for her and she cracked right up the middle! " THE OLD LADY FAINTED.

Woot. I'm invading Rac (and bill's) realm.

[rac]

Advertising

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES - $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."

[fencerbill]

From Mary A.:

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):

* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

* The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was described as a small medium at large.

* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

* A thief fell in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

* We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.

* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

* A backward poet writes inverse.

* If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

* With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

* When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

* A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

* You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

[rac]

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day… 30,000 to a man’s 15,000.

The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”

[rac]

A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up. It isn't very long before a police car arrives.
The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, 'What's going on here?'

'My car broke down, officer' says the woman calmly
'Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?' he asks.

'Hellooooooo! !!!' says the blonde. 'Those are my emergency flashers!'

[rac]

OUR JOBS ARE SAFE AS LONG AS THESE PEOPLE ARE OUT THERE . . .

ONE.
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO.
I was checking out at the local Target with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider,' looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code she said to me, 'Do you know how much this
I said to her 'I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said, 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE.
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

FOUR.
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.'

FIVE.
Several years ago, we had a junior typist who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?'
'Just use copier machine paper,' the secretary told her.
With that, the junior took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

SIX.
My neighbour works in the I.T. department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers.
One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branches who had this question:
'I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?'

SEVEN.
Police in Dubbo NSW interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopier machine. The message 'He's lying' was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the 'lie detector' was working, the suspect confessed.

[rac]

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, knowing nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner, completely unaware of who the golfing supremo is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sor," says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick 'hello' and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dose? " asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"Well, what on God's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.

"Feck me" says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting."