Jokes. Need I say more?

[rac]

A game warden finds an Indian man at a popular trout fishing spot with two dozen trout swimming in a bucket. "That's way over the limit," he says. "You're under arrest."

"But officer, please," the man says, "these are my pet fish from home. I just bring them down here to let them swim free once a week.

When I whistle, they all come back and get into the bucket to go home."

"I don't believe it," says the warden. "Show me."

The man promptly dumps the trout into the stream and gazes after them as they swim away.

After a minute, the warden says, "OK, how long?"

"How long what?" says the man.

"How long till you call the fish back?"

"What fish?"

[fencerbill]

From Marilyn M.:

DON'T FORGET NEXT SATURDAY!!

Remember to mark your calendar.....

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, and to demonstrate they think its okay to see nude women other than their wife, and to show support for all American women. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God bless America!

It is your patriotic duty to pass this on. If you don't send this to at least 5 people you're a terrorist sympathizing lily-livered coward and are in the position of posing as a national threat!

[rac]

So I met an old friend the other day and I asked him “How’s the bus driving going? Do you still have that Sesame Street route?” and he said, “I just quit!” “Why?” queried I.

He said this:

“I stop at my first stop and I open the door and in comes this enormous woman! ‘Hi!, My name’s Patricia,’ she says. I say ‘Great, back of the bus.’

“I close the door and I pull up to the very next stop, I open the door and there stands a mountain range of a woman who struggles up the steps and says ‘Hi. My name’s Pat.’ ‘Great,’ says I, ‘Back of the bus, and don’t sit on the same side as the other lady!’

“So there I am driving with the back of the bus scraping on the road when I pull up to the next stop. I open the door and standing there is a man swathed head to foot in purple velvet. He comes on the bus, curtseys and says ‘Hello everyone! My name’s Ross, and I’m special.’ ‘Great, sit towards the front, will ya?’

“Next stop, open the door and there is a disgusting individual. He comes onboard and heads for a seat so I yell at him ‘Hey! This is a friendly bus — we all introduce ourselves on this bus!’ ‘Well, if you must know, my name is Cheez, Lester Cheez!’ and he goes to his seat.

“I’m driving along when the bus starts to bouncing up and down and rocking back and forth I look in the mirror and I see Pat running up the aisle. ‘Mr. Driver! Mr. Driver! It’s just so disgusting! That Lester Cheez, he took off his shoes and he’s rubbing at his feet!’

“‘That’s it! I quit!’ I said, and I walked off the bus and never went back!”

“What? Why?” I asked my friend.

“Well, I figure that when your livelihood depends on Two Obese Patties, Special Ross and Lester Cheez picking bunions on the Sesame Street run, it’s time to look for something else.”

[rac]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young blonde woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus.


As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we was friends."

[rac]

A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After 2 weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.
Since this was a new home, the process took some time. The silver went into the closet, items were put on the walls for display and some of the most intimate apparels were put in the bedroom drawers.

A week later, they received a mail carrying two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a piece of paper with a single line, "Guess who sent them."

The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.
And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets, "Now you know!".

[rac]

This is a tribute to all the Grandma's
who have been fearless and learned to use the Computer...

THE COMPUTER SWALLOWED GRANDMA

The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true!
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.

It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'

So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy,''Scan' and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me!

[rac]

Women: If your not 40, you will be some day, & that is a good thing....

WOMEN OVER FORTY

In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40:
As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

· A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

· If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

· Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

· Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

· Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.

· Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

· Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

· Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

· For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?' here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Cheers for all women but especially those over 40!!!!!!

[rac]

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.

His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an SOUTH AFRICAN REVENUE SERVICES badge and a dull grey dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust a SARS auditor genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***


The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***


The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***


He is turned into a tampon.



And, the moral of the story:


If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

[rac]

A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior.

When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress.

"She flirted with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported.

The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife.

"She was a real lady," his mistress said.

"How so?" the encouraged man asked.

"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."

[rac]

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, “They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want.”
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
“Well” said the man, “She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed.”
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
“Well,” the man replied, “She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed.”
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, “She's perfect, just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry!” So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.
“Well,” explained the farmer, “She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her.”

[rac]

Amazing Simple Home Remedies


1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.

2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By Using The Sink.

3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers ~ Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember To Use A Timer.

4. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.

5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Afraid To Cough.

6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life - Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.

7. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem.

Daily Thought:
Some People Are Like Slinkies - Not Really Good For Anything But They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.

[rac]

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'strailya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, mate."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all - gimme a Bud."

Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer. Give me un Becks, ze real King of beers."

Jan, chief executive of Grolsch follows by stating that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of head on top.

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, give me a diet coke with ice and lemon. please".

The other four stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"

Paddy replies "Well, if you pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I"

[rac]

A man finally gets his prescription for Viagra! Eager to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from work, but in his excitement he forgets and leaves the package open on the table and his parrot eats all of them. Seeing the results and panicking the man grabs the bird and stuffs him into the freezer to cool off.

Unfortunately, his Viagra kicks in just as his wife comes home and it is hours later before he remembers the parrot. He runs and looks in the freezer expecting the worst, only to find the bird breathing heavily, drained with sweat and totally exhausted.

“What happened?” the man asks. “You were in there for hours and yet you’re not only alive but you’re sweating like crazy?”

The parrot pants, “Man, have you ever tried to pry apart the legs a frozen chicken?”

[rac]

A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him, and how fortunate he was to have her.

He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind hearted?"

The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."

"Why did you make her so good looking?"

"So you could love her, my son." "Why did you make her such a good cook?"

"So you could love her, my son." The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but why did you make her so stupid?"

"So she could love you, my son."

[rac]

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful!

Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.' So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side Near the broken window.

A large black man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see,

i'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.

I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done, 'the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'What's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right.

Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you,honey?'

'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. 'I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding.' he said, 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?

[rac]

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution. "No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material.

Then the mathematician speaks up: "No, no, there's an even better way." To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares:

"I DEFINE myself to be on the outside."

[rac]

After four years of separation, a man and his wife finally divorced amicably. He wanted to date again, but he had no idea of how to start, so he decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper.

After reading through all the listings, he circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but he put off calling them.

Two days later, there was a message on his answering machine from his ex-wife: "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. It's me."