Jokes. Need I say more?

[rac]

Two brothers grew up in the USA mountains, and when they were grown, one of them said he was going up North to seek his fortune.

The other one said he'd stay home and look after the farm and their parents.

The one up North became a salesman, soon he was sales manager, and then vice president and finally president of the company.

Before long, his business was bought out by a big company out West. In a little while, he became president of the parent company.

One day he got a call from his brother on the farm, who said, "Daddy died, and the funeral is Friday."

He said, "Oh, my goodness. I have to leave Thursday for a big merger meeting in Japan. I just can't come, but I want you to give Daddy the best funeral you can get and send the bill to me. It's the least I can do."

Well, the brother did as he was instructed, and in a few weeks, the successful brother received a bill for $6,000, and he paid it.

The following month, a bill for $100 came. Thinking they had forgotten something, he paid it. The next month, another bill for $100 came, and he paid that one, too. When another $100 bill arrived the third month, he called his brother and asked why he was still getting these bills.

"Oh, yes," the brother said, "I think I know. See, when we got Daddy all dressed up in his old serge suit in that new casket with that polished wood and satin lining, he just didn't look right, and since you said you wanted the best, ...... we rented him a tuxedo."

[rac]

Playing Golf

Lawyers in an Edson law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf.
It was their favorite moment of the week.
Then, one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city.
It wasn't quite the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm.
One day, she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table.
Curious, she spoke up,
"You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good.
Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant.
Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot.
Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early, at 6:30 am.
He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately.
The woman said this might be a problem, and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late.
They rolled their eyes, but said this would be okay.
She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up beating all three of them
with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
The guys were impressed!
Back in the clubhouse, they congratulated her and, happily, invited her back the next week.

She smiled, and said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45.."
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning.
Only this time, she played left-handed.
The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round,
despite playing with her off-hand.
By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed.

They couldn't figure her out.
She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up,
but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!

In the third week, they all had their game faces on.
But this week, she was 15 minutes late!
This had the guys irritable, because each was determined to beat her.
As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part.
Finally, she showed up.
This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing,
since she narrowly beat all three of them.

However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play,
it was hard to hold a grudge against her.
This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability.
They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up.
Finally, one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer.
He asked her point blank,
"How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned.
She said, "That's easy. When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous.
I have always had fun switching back and forth.
Then, when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude.
From then on, I developed a silly habit.
Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him.
If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed;
if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

All the guys on the team thought this was hysterical."
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back,
"But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late"...

[Neinteen]

rac's jokes make my day complete.

<3 rac.

[rac]

A man is at work one day when he notices that his coworker is wearing an earring. This man knows his coworker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
"So, really? How long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

[rac]

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.
"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:
Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."

[rac]

A man is speeding down the freeway when he's stopped by a police car and has to pull over.
"Do you realize you were doing 90 m.p.h. in a 60 m.p.h. zone, sir?" asks the policeman.
"That's impossible, sir, I never break the speed limit," replies the driver.
The driver's wife butts in and says, "Yes, you do, I'm always telling you to keep your speed down."
The policeman says, "I also noticed, sir, that you didn't have your seat belt on. You put it on as I was walking up to your car."
That is not true, sir; I always wear my seat belt," replies the driver.
"No, you don’t, I`m always telling you to put your seat belt on," says the driver’s wife.
"Dammit, woman!" the driver explodes, "Can't you, just for once, keep that big, fat trap of yours shut?!"
The policeman is a bit shocked by how the driver is speaking to his wife, so he moves around to her side of the car. "Does he often speak to you like this, madam?"
"Oh, no, officer," she says, "only when he's drunk."

[rac]

Father, "When you go back to your Mom tonight, give her this envelope and tell her that since you are now 18, this is the last check she`ll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face."
Daughter, "OK"
Later that night
Daughter, "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I`m now 18, this is the last child support payment he`ll ever have to make to you. Now I`m supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face."
Mother, "Next time you visit your father, tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he`s not your father. Then, stand back and watch the expression on his face."

[rac]

Actual writings in a Mpumalanga (SOUTH AFRICA) Hospital

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with B only
a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very
hot in bed last night.

6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.

8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.

9.The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

[rac]

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

[rac]

A wife suspected that her husband was having an affair with the housemaid.

She thought of a plan to take him by surprise.

One Friday she told the maid to take the day off and that night she went into the maid's room, switched off all the lights and, in pitch darkness, slipped into the bed.

Sure enough at midnight, there were footsteps and a figure opened the door and slipped into the maid's bed beside her...

After a few passionate kisses, the wife suddenly switched on the lights and asked, "Surprised?"

"I sure am, ma'am!" stammered the chauffeur.

[rac]

The Bank

excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times
about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised t o see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat."

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also! contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:


IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING

[Neinteen]

hahahaha

[fencerbill]

Another from Marilyn M.:

A Senior Moment


A very self-important college student attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,' the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, BPS, light-speed processing .. and' ... pausing to take another drink of beer....

The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, 'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young,.. so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little ****, what are you doing for the next generation?'

The applause was deafening.

Don't you just love senior citizens...?

[rac]

FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.



Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.



Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..



Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh1ts on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh1t is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep sh1t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.

[Neinteen]

loved it.

[fencerbill]

From my older sister Carol:

Kids Are Quick
____________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
______________________________ ______________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
_____________________ _________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________

[rac]

Three guys die and go to heaven.
The first guy goes up to St. Peter, who says, "In all the years you were married, were you ever unfaithful to your wife?"
The guy thinks a moment then says, "No. No. I was always faithful to her through 55 years of marriage."
St. Peter scratches something down in a big book, then he says to the guy, "OK, mister, you can have that Rolls Royce over there to drive around here."
Now second guy goes up to St. Peter. He asks him, "In all the years you were married, were you ever unfaithful to your wife?"
This second guy takes a moment. He hems and haws a few minutes, then he says, "Well, I did flirt a little, and there was that one night with Julia. But other than that I tried to remain faithful to my wife through 40 years of marriage. I guess I just wasn't perfect, huh?"
St. Peter scratches something in his book and says, "Don't worry about it. You can have that motorbike over there to get around."
Third guy too gets the same question.
The guy blushes a bit.
"C'mon," he says. "You know I wasn't the best of husbands. I cheated on my wife three times, and then I was a terrible flirt."
"I know, I know," says St. Peter without looking up from his Big Book. He scratches something down in that book then says, "Don't worry about it. We'll let you have that bicycle over there."
A few weeks later, guys no. 2 and no. 3 were driving along when they see Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go inside and find guy no.1 with empty bottles all around him, his face down in his hands on the table.
Guy no. 2 asks him, "What could possibly be wrong, you got to heaven, you're driving a Rolls Royce, and everything's great."
"I saw my wife today", he replied.
Guy no. 3 says, "That's great! So, what's the problem?"
He answers, "She was on roller skates!"