Jokes. Need I say more?

[gojujay]

Originally Posted by npkeith

What do you call a man with no arms or legs floating in a lake?

"Bob"

What do you call a man with no arms or legs lying in front of your door?

"Matt"

What do you call a failed lion tamer?

"Claude"

In this vein; What do you call a leper in a hottub?

"Stu"

[D'Art]

What do you call 4 dead politicians in the back of a Range Rover?
A good days' hunting.

OR

What do you call 4 dead politicians in the back of a Range Rover?
A waste-you could get at least 7 in there.

[broncofencer]

What do you get when you cross an elephant with darth vader

an ELEVADER

[Araznal]

One day, the teacher of a local grade school was asking the class to guess what she was describing. She says, "I thinking of an orange fruit that's round." A student raises their hand and says, "Is it an orange?" "No it's a grapefruit," says the teacher, "but I'm glad to see you're thinking." She then says, "Ok, I'm thinking of an animal that is brown and has a long tail." Another student asks, "Is it a monkey?" "No, it's a chimpanzee," says the teacher, "but I'm glad to see you're thinking." Suddenly, dirty Jimmy raises his hand and says, "Hey, you wanna guess what I'm thinking of?" The teacher says, "What is it Jimmy?" Jimmy says, "I have something in pants that's long, hard, and pink at the end." "Jimmy that's disgusting!" says the teacher. "Actually," says Jimmy, "it's a pencil, but I'm glad to see you're thinking."

Anyone have more of those? Is it dirty Jimmy? I forgot.

[Goofy]

You know you live and work in modern times when:

1) You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2) You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3) You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4) You e-mail your friend who works at the desk next to you.
5) Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
6) When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7) When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a 9 to get an outside line.
8) You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
9) Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
10) You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11) Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.
12) Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
13) Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
14) Board members' salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
15) Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
16) Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
17) Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while your clockwork machine boots up.
18) Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
19) There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
20) Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".

AND THE CLINCHERS ARE...

21) You read this entire list, and kept nodding in agreement.
22) As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your friends.
23) It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you don't have time to check so you forward it anyway.
24) You got this from someone you don't know, but you do read their posts on the net.

[Saber-Psycho]

I think I may have told this one before...but I like it...so anyways.

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, ''I've kidnapped you.''
She then wrote a note saying,''I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.'' The blonde pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, ''How could you do this to a fellow blonde?''

[esskreemr]

A foilist, a sabreur, and an epeeist walk into a bar. They each take a seat at the bar. The sabreur immediately grabs the attention of the bartender. "I'll take a Guiness draft, no make it a pitcher!" The foilist after looking over the selection sees one that she likes, "I'll take a Hefenweizen, with a lime, please." The next time the bartender walks by. The sabreur and the foilist are half way through their beers and notice that the epeeist still hasn't ordered. "Aren't you going to drink something?" asks the foilists. The epeeist gives her quizzical look, "Well, yeah. The bartender hasn't asked me what I wanted yet."

Ha ha ha!! Get it, the epeeist was waiting for the bartender to ask first! Ha ha hahahahahahahahahahaha... that one always cracks me up!!!

[Orangeaholic]

Originally Posted by esskreemr

A foilist, a sabreur, and an epeeist walk into a bar. They each take a seat at the bar. The sabreur immediately grabs the attention of the bartender. "I'll take a Guiness draft, no make it a pitcher!" The foilist after looking over the selection sees one that she likes, "I'll take a Hefenweizen, with a lime, please." The next time the bartender walks by. The sabreur and the foilist are half way through their beers and notice that the epeeist still hasn't ordered. "Aren't you going to drink something?" asks the foilists. The epeeist gives her quizzical look, "Well, yeah. The bartender hasn't asked me what I wanted yet."

Ha ha ha!! Get it, the epeeist was waiting for the bartender to ask first! Ha ha hahahahahahahahahahaha... that one always cracks me up!!!

hmmm... I don't get it?

Oh well...

~Orange

[Orangeaholic]

A man walks into a his psychiatrist office wearing only saran wrap. He asks the psychiatrist to give a diagnosis. The psychiatrist replies "I can clearly see your nuts".

~Orange

[sabreur]

The National Poetry Contest had come down to the last two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then they were allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word that they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand Trekked a lonely caravan; Men on camels, two by two Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went. Met three *****s (prostitutes) in a pop up tent. They was three, and we was two, So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

[Chafunkta]

A man walks into a bar. He says "Ouch!"

[foildad]

You know the worst thing about being an athiest?

Having nobody to talk to when you're getting a b***job.

[Goofy]

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic : Only 1
Hands are already in the air.

Pentecostal : 10
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians : None
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic : None
Candles only.

Baptists : At least 15.
One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians: 3
One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons : 5
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians :
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists : Undetermined
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass and share.

Nazarene : 6
One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None
Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish :
What's a light bulb?

[D'Art]

How many rednecks does it take to change a light-bulb?

5-one to hold the bulb, and four to spin the house round.

[sabreur]

How many political pundits does it take to change a light bulb?

An infinite number. They'd rather do nothing and curse the darkness....

[Goofy]

A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down.

The song leader stood and announced with a smile, "For our closing, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'."

[Maeve_Mari]

Originally Posted by Goofy

A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down.

The song leader stood and announced with a smile, "For our closing, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'."

Goofy always has the best jokes!
I guess then, that you are Goofy the Funny and NOT Goofy the Dog!

[Araznal]

This is one of my favorite jokes, but I already posted it in the question game. BUT, that doesn't mean I can't mention it here. So, here it is:

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Mexican, and a Texan are on a plane. Suddenly, the plane plummets and there's only one parachute. Sacrificing himself, the Englishman jumps out of the plane screaming, "long live the queen!" The Frenchman, not to be outdone by the Englishman, follows screaming, "vive le France!" The Texan goes to the open door, screams "remember the Alamo!" and pushes out the Mexican.

[Goofy]

One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate, and also said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed
that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him, and him, and him."

[Goofy]

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "How in the world can you be so sure about the cause of death?"

"Easy", said the archaeologist. "There's a piece of papyrus in his hand that reads, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."