Jokes. Need I say more?

[rac]

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every summer in Miami for a vacation.


Last year, when one flea gets to Miami, he's shivering and shaking.

The other flea asks him,' Why are you shaking so badly?'

The first flea says, 'I rode down here from Michigan in the moustache of a guy on a Harley.'

The other flea responds saying, 'That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do. 'Go to the Grand Rapids airport bar, have a few drinks, While you are there, look for a nice stewardess, crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of.'

The flea thanks the other flea and says he will give it a try next summer.

A year goes by...When the flea shows up in Miami he is shivering and shaking again.

The other flea asks,' Didn't you try what I told you?'

'Yes', says the first flea, 'I did exactly as you said. I went to the Grand Rapids airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back in the moustache of a guy on a Harley!'

[rac]

Johnny was placed in a mental institution. It has been 2 months already. The institution decided to buy another location to accommodate more of their patients as it was overcrowded by then, so the institution management decided that they have to take the patients to the new institution by plane because it's much quicker, so they took all the patients to plane together along with Johnny of course.

So while in the flight the (Mental) patients were very excited by now singing and dancing in plane and the sounds were disturbing, when one of the nurses sent Johnny to keep them quiet at the back.

Johnny went and after a few minutes came back smiling and it was all quiet at the back. The nurses wondered what Johnny had done to keep them quiet, so they asked Johnny what had he done to keep them quiet?

Johnny said with a smile in his face "I TOLD THEM TO GO PLAY OUTSIDE."

[rac]

ddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.. but she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you....The girl looked at him, and then said,'NO!'
Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend...so she called him and explained the situation.
Her boy friend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.....? Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,
'The jerk had all quarters!'

[rac]

A South African Joke in true tradition of Rugby

Koos was walking through his veld one day when he spots someone

drinking water from a pool.



He shouts, "Moenie die water drink nie, dis vol skaap kak". (Don't drink that water its full of sheep sh1t)



The other guy says, "I'm from England mate, speak English!"



Koos replies, "Use both hands, you get more that way".

[fencerbill]

Another from Marilyn M.:


Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who
are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore-------under fiction.


Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you are done you will have a place to live.


Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible.

Is that true? Where ?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt.


Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.


Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses


Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.


Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.


Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.


Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.


Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.


Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: 'Gosh, I remember these.'

[rac]

Breaking News

CNN reports that gas stations will start showing P*RN movies on the screens of the pumps so that you can see someone else get screwed at the same time you do !!

[rac]

Little Johnny was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually he slept through the class. One day the teacher called on him while he was napping, ’’Tell me, Johnny, who created the universe?’’

When Johnny didn’t stir, little Mary, an altruistic girl seated in the chair behind him, took a pin and jabbed him in the rear. ’’God Almighty !’’ shouted Johnny and the teacher said, ’’Very good’’ and Johnny fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Johnny, ’’Who is our Lord and Savior?’’ But Johnny didn’t even stir from his slumber. Once again, Mary came to the rescue and stuck him again. ’’Jesus Christ!’’ shouted Johnny and the teacher said, ’’Very good,’’ and Johnny fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Johnny a third question, ’’What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?’’ And again, Mary jabbed her with the pin. This time Johnny jumped up and shouted, ’’If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!’’

The Teacher fainted.

[rac]

Little Johnny comes home from Sunday school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "But Dad, it wasn’t my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That’s when she hit me!" "Johnny," the father said. "You don’t do those kind of things to women." Sure enough, the very next Sunday Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny’s father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!" "But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn’t my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn’t like this, so I pushed it back in!"

[rac]

2 elderly people at an institute meet, the man tells the woman, you know I haven't felt the warmth of a woman for decades, the woman shy but interested says well I don't think my body can handle it. So the man says please just hold it. So the woman does this, and over the next couple of weeks every afternoon the woman just sits and holds his penis.

Then on one day the guy doesn't show up. The woman worried that her lover might have died of old age goes searching for him. Then she finds him with another woman with her hands down his pants. Now shes broken hearted, and screams at him "Why, why did you do this, what does she have that i don't"

The Man replies "Parkinson's"

[Neinteen]

Originally Posted by rac

The Man replies "Parkinson's"

That's so wrong and so funny

Rac!

[rac]

Fannie Green

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession.

I've had s*x with Fannie Green every week for the last month".

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'.

"Soon, another man enters the confessional. Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had s*x with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'.

" The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes"

[rac]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
After seventy -five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Memphis but I worked both sides of the Mississippi.

[Neinteen]

Muahahaha! repped!

[rac]

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said,
"About 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut? "

The barber looked around at the shop and said,
"About 3 hours." The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour only."
The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said,

"Hey, Bill, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes.

He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back".

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said,

"To your wife”.

[rac]

A man walks into a bar in London and orders a round of drinks for everyone, and says "Ive just had a baby boy and he weighs 6kg!!!"

The crowd shocked asks him hows it so, he replies "We make em big in South Africa!"

2 weeks later he walks back in the bar, one guy comes up to him and ask " hey how much does ur baby weigh now ? "

He replies " 4kg "

Now the crowd is shocked: "How did that happen did he get sick"

The guy replies : "No we circumcised him, WE MAKE EM BIG IN South Africa! "

[rac]

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.


Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and the cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, 'Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I gave you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays for the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cabby and said, 'What would you do?'

The cabby said, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold.'

[rac]

The Tomato Garden



An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his
annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground
was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:



Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to
plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would
be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in
the old days.

Love,

Papa



A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,

Vinnie



At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and
dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to
the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.



Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under
the circumstances.

Love you,

Vinnie

[rac]

An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Joe had carved: I love you, Nancy.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Nancy quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--one million bucks.

Joe said, "We've got to give it back."

Nancy said, "Finders keepers."

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two Inspectors were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Nancy said, "No."

Joe said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Nancy said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Joe and began to question him.

One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning." Joe said, "Well, when Nancy and I were walking home from school yesterday... "

The first Inspector turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."