Jokes. Need I say more?

[rac]

Teacher: "Class, Please stand up if you think you're stupid"

A student stands

Teacher: "Why son? do you think you're stupid?"

Student: "No sir. I just hate to see you standing alone".

[rac]

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party.

We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,

"He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. That stupid b1tch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me, but it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car.

[Go? Fencing?]

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.'"

When asked to comment on the arrest, President George Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Math Instruction, He would have given us more fingers...and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

[Fencergrl]

Three nuns died and were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that before they enter heaven they must answer a skill-testing question.

First nun steps forward.
St. Peter: Who was the first man?
Nun: Oh that's an easy one! Adam.
Suddenly, angels begin to sing, trumpets blow and the pearly gates open, and the nun enters heaven.

Second nun steps forward.
St. Peter: Who was the first woman?
Nun: Oh that's an easy one! Eve.
Suddenly, angels begin to sing, trumpets blow and the pearly gates open, and the nun enters heaven.

Finally, the third nun steps forward.
St. Peter: Who was the first thing Eve said to Adam?
The nun frowns and mutters to herself "Oh my goodness that's a hard one....."
Suddenly, angels begin to sing, trumpets blow and the pearly gates open....

[D'Art]

Originally Posted by Go? Fencing?

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.'"

When asked to comment on the arrest, President George Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Math Instruction, He would have given us more fingers...and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

The sad thing is that most of us could probably see that one happening for real. Especially the last paragraph.

[rac]

Hamster Humour

Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.

"Oldest trick in the book, son," I informed him. "You go in to see what's wrong with the sick one and the other one sneaks up behind you and bonks you on the head. Then they change into your clothes and escape."

"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking distressed. I immediately knew what to do. Call the professional.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"

"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what did you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she enquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, in my most loving, calm, sweet voice.

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm you think?)

By now, the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

"Well, when my parents' dogs had puppies, I took them up to the grocery store in a cardboard box and gave them away," I recalled.

"So what are you going to do, go up with a pair of tweezers so people can pick out their hamster?" she asked. (Gotta love her!)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"A breech birth," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried again, with the same results.

"Should I dial 911?" my daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with my females?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is "of her womb," for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, an epidermal?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr and Mrs Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen ... Ernie is a boy."

"What!?"

"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, male hamsters will, mastur, er, er, ah..."

He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just ... just ... excited?" my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.

Then my vicious, cruel woman started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless Manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "Just ... that I'm picturing you pulling on its ... its ... tweeny little ... "

She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie is really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing into laughter as I gave her a dirty look. (And women have the gall to go though the marriage ceremony with a completely straight face. It's scary.)

[rac]

Maybe in poor taste but nobody ever accused me of tasting good :

Mickey and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey
"You say here that your wife is crazy."

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy...


I said she's f**king Goofy."

[fencerbill]

And still another from Mary A.:
**************
Subject: Sensitivity Training......


Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower - Cooter, Pete and KC.

As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, 'Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife.'

KC says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive ****, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Coors.

Pete says, 'Where did you get that beer, KC?'

'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' KC replies.'

That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?'

'Well, not exactly, KC says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, you must be Cooter's widow.'

She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Coors you are.'

Rednecks are good at that sensitive ****.

[fencerbill]

This one's from Marilyn M.:
**************
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what
was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little snot.

[KidLazy]

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead
Gorgeous, Help With Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the Sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that woman are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and do not speak.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

[thekoby]

GAH!!! Reading through 43 pages of jokes takes a toll on the eyes, so pardon me if these jokes have already been posted...I have no plans on going blind before I'm 30.

----------------------------------------

A blonde is driving through the country when she sees another blonde in the middle of a corn field trying to row a boat. The blonde in her car pulls over, gets out, and yells at the blonde in the boat.

"It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name. If I wasn't so afraid of water, I'd come out there and kick your ass."


--------------------------------------------------------

An old man recently got married to a younger woman and wanted to make sure everything still worked, so he went to the doctor.

"Take this home and do you think." The doctor said handing the man a small cup. "Bring it back in the morning."

The next day the old man heads back to the doctor and hands him an empty cup. The doctor asks what happened.

"Well, I took it one hand, took it in the other hand, took it in both hands, banged it against the wall, and nothing happened." the old man replied.

"Hmm..." said the doctor handing the cup back to the man. "have your wife give it a try and come see me in the morning."

The old man returns the next day with an empty cup. Again, the doctor asks what's wrong.

"I did like you said." replied the old man. "My wife took it one hand, took it in the other hand, took it both hands, banged it against the wall, and still nothing."

"Try one more time." The doctor said sending the old man back home.

The next day the old man returned with a still empty cup. Again, the doctor asked what was wrong.

"Well doc," the old man said, "we both took it in one hand, took it in the other hand, took it in both hands, and banged it against the wall. We just can't get that damn cap off this cup!"

--------------------------------------------

A doctor is examining a man when he notices the man is shaking.

"Sir," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to ask you to stop masturbating."

"Why?" asked the man.

The doctor looked at the man and replied, "because I'm trying to opperate on you."

[Neinteen]

when did thread becomes open to others besides rac...?

Such amateurs.

[Fencergrl]

Originally Posted by Neinteen

when did thread becomes open to others besides rac...?

Such amateurs.

Always has been open to others... such a noob.

[Neinteen]

Originally Posted by Fencergrl

Always has been open to others... such a noob.

Actually, Rac owns this thread.

Originally Posted by God

Rac owns the "Jokes. Need I say more?" Thread on F.net. Oh and I hate non-foilists.

Nice try, go practice more.

[rac]

3 guys get stranded on an island and get captured by the natives.

The natives speak broken english and says: "You Die, or Get Woomba Woomba"

The first guy not knowing what woomba woomba was, says that he'll take woomba woomba so the tribe strips him naked and sodomizes him.

He comes back crying and tells the other 2 guys what woomba woomba was.

The second guy thinks about it and say well he doesnt want to die and he'll take woomba woomba again the entire tribe sodomizes him.

He comes back crying.

The Third guy, with much prides screams out "I rather die!"
and the whole tribe replies "Ahh, death by woomba woomba !"

[fencerbill]

From my daughter, Becky:

OLD BUTCH

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell had not rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it could not ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this year...the bells are not always audible.

[fencerbill]

Another Mary A.:


Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a *****!