Jokes. Need I say more?

[oiuyt]

Originally Posted by rac

1 million microphones = 1 megaphone

I think 1 trillion microphones = 1 megaphone.

1 million microphones is just a phone.

-B

[rac]

Truths Can Be Humorous


My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada.
David Steinberg


I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up . . . they have no holidays.
Henny Youngman


The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish woman.
Jules Farber


Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be gentile even if you are Jewish.
Lenny Bruce


God, I know we are your chosen people, but next time couldn't you choose somebody else for a change ?
Shalom Aleichem


The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
Calvin Trillin


Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the only place in the Middle East that has no oil!
Golda Meir


Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother.
Peter Malkin


Humility is no substitute for a good personality.
Fran Lebowitz


My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
Benjamin Disreali


It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
Sam Levenson


Don't be humble; ...you are not that great.
Golda Meir


God will pardon me. It's His business.
Heinrich Heine


I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.
Joe E. Lewis


Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.
Sam Goldwyn


A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Sam Goldwyn


Everybody likes a kidder but nobody loans him money.
Arthur Miller


I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
Jackie Mason


I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Woody Allen


Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution?
Groucho Marx


Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy
Groucho Marx


A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.
Oscar Levant


Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.
George Burns


Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.
Mort Sahl


A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Milton Berle


I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.
Sam Goldwyn


Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
Ernie Kovacs


When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault.
Henry Kissinger


Saturday is my traditional day of rest, but if I am forced to rest on Sundays too, I won't complain.

If you could choose.... Look Irish... Dress British... Think Yiddish.

Life is not fair. Jesus never had the opportunity to become a Christian.

Originally the Jewish people were divided into 12 tribes. In fairness, they too should be able to establish tax free gambling casinos in their neighborhoods.

[rac]

Talk it Out ...

Solve the puzzles by saying them out loud, over and over, faster and faster, repeating the phrase, until you "hear" the answer.

Example: LAWN SAND JEALOUS (place) Answer: "Los Angeles"

1. SHOCK CUSSED TOE (person)

2. SAND TACKLE LAWS (fictional character)

3. MY GULCH HOARD UN (person)

4. MOW BEAD HICK (book)

5. TALL MISCHIEF HER SUN (person)

6. CHICK HE TUB AN AN US (product)

7. THOUGH TIGHT AN HICK (thing)

8. AISLE OH VIEW (phrase)

9. TUB RAID HEAP HUNCH (TV show)

10. CARESS TROUGHER CLUMP US (person)

11. DOCKED HEARSE WHOSE (person)

12. THUMB ILL KEY WAKE OWL LICKS HE (place)

13. AGE ANT HUB BLOWS HEAVEN (fictional character)

14. THESE HOUND DOVE MOO SICK (movie)

15. BUCK SPUN HE (fictional character)










Okay, the answers are below.

ANSWERS:

1. Jacques Cousteau

2. Santa Claus

3. Michael Jordan

4. Moby Dick

5. Thomas Jefferson

6. Chiquita Banana

7. The Titanic

8. I love you

9. The Brady Bunch

10. Christopher Columbus

11. Doctor Seuss

12. The Milky Way Galaxy

13. Agent 007

14. The Sound of Music

15. Bugs Bunny

[rac]

How do crazy people go through the forest?

They take the psycho path.



What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

Polaroids.



What do prisoners use to call each other?

Cell phones.



What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A stick.



What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho Cheese.



What do you call Santa's helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.



What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?

Quattro sinko.



What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk.



What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.



What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree
it would kill you?

A pool table.



What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.



What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.



Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him.



Where do you get virgin wool from?

Ugly sheep.



Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?

They all have phones.



Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

They're trying to get away from the noise.



Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers



What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal
thermometer?

The taste.



What is a zebra?

26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.



Did you hear about the flasher that was thinking about retiring?

He decided to stick it out for one more year.



What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?

A dog that runs for help... after it tears your throat out.



What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?

They're hiring.



What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?

Sanka.

[rac]

*Incontinence Hotline... Can you hold, please?



*Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with...



*If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.



*43.3% of statistics are meaningless!



*Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.



*A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for drunks who drive.



*It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit.



*Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?



* |||||||//////__ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work.



*Originality is the art of concealing your sources.



*Just fill out one simple form to win a Tax Audit!



*Grow your own Dope - Plant a Politician.



*Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.



*The buck doesn't even slow down here!



*Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.



*Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!



*The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.



*Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.



*Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!



*Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.



*Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.



*Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.



*Don't worry: the answer's at the back of the book.



*We do precision guesswork.



*My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot.



*'Oh what a tangled web we weave' - Hair Club for Men.



*A penny saved is a government oversight.



*Shin - Device for finding furniture in the dark.



*Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

[rac]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said 'Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high, and you'll have great stamina with the ladies.'
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, 'Do you have any rye bread?'
She said, 'Yes, there's a whole shelf of it . Would you like some?'
He said, 'I want 5 loaves.'
She said, 'My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard'
He replied, 'I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this sh1t but me.'

[rac]

Calmness in our lives

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works,
and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.

By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish
all the things you have started and have never finished.'

So I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished
and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Captain Morgan, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Xanex prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.


You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now!!

[Neinteen]

Originally Posted by rac

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

HAHAHAHA!

Originally Posted by rac

for whom the Tells bowled.

"Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

LOL!

Originally Posted by oiuyt

I think 1 trillion microphones = 1 megaphone.

1 million microphones is just a phone.

-B

Um.. rac is never wrong, so you might be

[rac]

High Urinals

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack, to learn about thoroughbred horses
and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom,
it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room
when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants,
and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said,
'You must be in the 5th grade.'
'No, ma'am', he replied.
'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

[rac]

The preacher began with a remembrance of her life....


She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

She finally died after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,

'Lord, they're finally together.'

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,

'Do you think he means her 1st, 2nd or 3rd husband? '

The friend replied, ' I think he means her legs.'

[rac]

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas.
Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?"
"I'm out of gas," the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.
Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car
and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

"Try it now," said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow!" the man exclaimed, "what did you put in my gas tank"?

The bee answered,

READY FOR IT?????


"BP"

[rac]

Some of the late George Carlin’s “short takes” from his 2001 book “Napalm & Silly Putty” (Hyperion):

Most people don’t know what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

It takes two scales to find out how much a scale weighs.

You rarely run into a damsel anymore.

The only thing high-definition television will do is provide sharper images of the garbage.

In Los Angeles, there’s a hotline for people in denial. So far no one has called.

You know a business that doesn’t lend itself too easily to the Internet? Pay toilets.

Suggested bumper sticker: We Are the Proud Parents of a Child Whose Self-Esteem Is Sufficient That He Doesn’t Need Us Advertising His Minor Scholastic Achievements on the Bumper of Our Car.

Griddle cakes, pancakes, hotcakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love?

An art thief is a man who takes pictures

I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not however be responsible for the consequences.

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

Whenever I see a large crowd of people I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies.

You live 80 years, and at best you get about 6 minutes of pure magic.

[fencerbill]

The supply of George Carlin jokes is capped since he passed away yesterday, according to the news on my radio.

[rac]

Originally Posted by fencerbill

The supply of George Carlin jokes is capped since he passed away yesterday, according to the news on my radio.

Ergo my lead-line:

Originally Posted by rac

Some of the late George Carlin’s “short takes” from his 2001 book “Napalm & Silly Putty” (Hyperion):

He was indeed a master of humor. His passing is a sad day for sarcastic comment, hopefully they put him in the plane to a better place not On the plane!

[Neinteen]

Proving that Rac knows what he's doing!

Thanks Rac for these jokes!

[rac]

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks
like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."

[fencerbill]

Originally Posted by rac

Some of the late George Carlin’s “short takes” from his 2001 book “Napalm & Silly Putty” (Hyperion):
.

I just wanted to make sure that all the others with as much reading comprehension shortcomings as myself got your point.