Jokes. Need I say more?

[rac]

Two Chinese men are leaving Bloom's kosher delicatessen and one says to the other: "You know, the problem with Jewish food, is that two days later, you're hungry again."

[rac]

Isaac was sitting at a table in his favorite kosher restaurant when he called over his waiter.

"Yes?" asked the busy waiter.

"Are you sure you're the waiter I ordered from?" asked Isaac.

"Yes, why do you ask?" replied the waiter.

"Because I was expecting a much older man by now," replied Isaac.

[rac]

A Beautiful Talmudic Mind from Jewlarious

After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist from Odessa was finally granted permission to visit Moscow.

He boarded the train and found an empty seat. At the next stop, a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young man and he thought: This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, so if he is no peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a Jewish district.

But on the other hand, since he is a Jew, where could he be going? I'm the only Jew in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow.

Ahh, wait! Just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and Jews don't need special permission to go to Samvet But why would he travel to Samvet? He is surely going to visit one of the Jewish families there. But how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Aha, only two -- the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. But since the Bernsteins are a terrible family, so such a nice looking fellow like him, he must be visiting the Steinbergs.

But why is he going to the Steinbergs in Samvet? The Steinbergs have only daughters, two of them, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? They say that Sarah Steinberg married a nice lawyer from Budapest, and Esther married a businessman from Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken.

But if he came from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name.

What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? It is Kovacs. But since they allowed him to change his name, he must have special status to change it. What could it be? Must be a doctorate from the University. Nothing less would do.

At this point, therefore, the Talmudic scholar turns to the young man and says, "Excuse me. Do you mind if I open the window, Dr. Kovacs?"

"Not at all," answered the startled co-passenger. "But how is it that you know my name?"

"Ahhh," replied the Talmudist, "It was obvious."

[rac]

A Parrot Named Moishe also from Jewlarious


Aaron came back from the pet store elated at his new purchase -- a parrot. And this wasn't just any parrot, this one could talk.

Aaron stayed up all night teaching his new parrot, Moishe, Hebrew.

The next morning, while Aaron was putting on his tefillin, Moishe the parrot demanded to know what he was doing. When Aaron explained, the parrot wanted a pair too. Aaron went out and dutifully made a miniature set of tefillin for Moishe.

The parrot wanted to learn how to daven and Aaron taught him every prayer. He wanted to learn more about Judaism so Aaron spent months teaching him Torah. In time, Aaron came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a fellow Jew.

One morning, on Rosh Hashana, Aaron rose and got dressed and was about to leave when Moishe demanded to go with him. Aaron explained that shul was not place for a bird but the parrot insisted and was carried to shul on Aaron's shoulder.

Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Aaron was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days but Aaron convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven.

Wagers were made with Aaron. Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds) that the parrot could not daven, could not speak Hebrew and knew nothing about Judaism. All eyes were on the African Grey during services.

The parrot perched on Aaron's shoulder as one prayer and song passed -- Aaron heard not a peep from the bird.

He began to get annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath,

"Moishe! Daven!" Nothing. "Davendaven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking at you!"

Nothing. After Rosh Hashana services were concluded, Aaron found that he owed his shul buddies and the Rabbi over $4,000. He marched home, extremely angry, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the shul the bird began to sing "Avinu Malkeinu" at the top of his lungs.

Aaron stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over $4,000. Why? After I made your tefillin and taught you how to daven and learned Torah with you. Why did you do this to me?"

"Don't be silly," Moishe replied. "Think of the odds on Yom Kippur."

[rac]

A Texan in Israel


A Texan is visiting Israel and feeling thirsty, he stops at a house along the road. "Can you give me a drink?" asks the Texan

"Of course," says the Israeli, and he invited the Texan to come in.

"What do you do?" asks the Texan.

"I raise chicken" says the Israeli.

"Really?" says the Texan. "I'm also a farmer. How much land do you have?"

"Well, out front it's 50 meters, as you can see, and in the back we have close to 100 meters of property. What about your place?"

"Well," says the Texan, "on my ranch, I have breakfast and get into the car, and I drive and drive and I don't reach the end of the ranch until dinnertime."

"Really," replies the Israeli. "I once had a car like that too."

[rac]

A Rabbi was walking home from the Temple and saw one of his good friends, a pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in religious arguments.

The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend, when he was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese restaurant (not a kosher one).

Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared carrying a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon and other treif that the Rabbi could not bear to think about.

As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the Rabbi burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend, for he could take it no longer.

"Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in violation of everything we are taught about the dietary laws and with an apparent enjoyment that does not befit your pious reputation!"

Morris replied, "Rabbi, did you see me enter this restaurant?"

(Rabbi nods yes)

"Did you see me order this meal?"

(again he nods yes)

"Did you see the waiter bring me this food?"

(again he nods yes)

"And did you see me eat it?" (nods yes)

"Then, Rabbi, I don't see the problem here. The entire meal took place under strict Rabbinical supervision!"

{a man after my own heart...}

[rac]

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their 'nooner': it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.

Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. 'Homer,' said the doctor, 'just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time.'

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor's office. 'What's wrong?' asked the Doc. 'Didn't my idea work?'

'Oh, it worked good,' said Homer. 'whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd fina a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again.' 'Good, Homer.

So what's the problem?' asked the Doc.

'Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started....'

[rac]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job.
One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it,
and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy,
figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,
"You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room,
he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."


( Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either )

[rac]

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men.... that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet again.....


The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you... then we made love all night long.'

The married one then said: 'Well, last night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.

My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV remote and a beer, plopped his fat ass on the couch and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'

[rac]

A retired Italian wine maker went to the village church to make his confession for the first time in many decades.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! You have no need to confess it."

"It's worse than that, Father," he continued. "She quickly started to repay me with sexual favors."

"People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn't under normal conditions. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. May I ask a question?"

"What, my son?"

"She is pretty old now, should I tell her the war is over?"

[rac]

The Sensitive Guy

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears caref ully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.


There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:


"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf".

{My wife threatoned to beat me for that one }

[rac]

The State Trooper

A state trooper pulls a car over for speeding. In the car is an old lady, the driver, who is hard of hearing and her husband. When the trooper asks the lady for her driver's license the lady responds, "Heh, what did he say?"

The old man speaks up as he says, "HE NEEDS YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE."

A few minutes later the trooper comes back to the car and says, "Ma'am I see you're from Florida."

The old lady comments, "Heh, what did he say?"

The old man speaks up as he says, "HE SEES YOU'RE FROM FLORIDA.'" The old lady nods her head, "Yup."

The trooper mutters, "Boy, one time, I got the worst piece of ass I ever had in Florida."

The old lady replies, "Heh, what did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!"

[rac]

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant.

One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks "Why the panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning," He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with this... a black condom?"

He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences."

[Neinteen]

Originally Posted by rac

The Sensitive Guy

Hilarious. Where do you get these from? or how do you produce these so rapidly!?

[rac]

The jokes are out there if you search. My job takes me to some strange corners of the Internet.

rac

[rac]

A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year.

A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife , so he wrote her a letter.

"My Love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I wouldn't be tempted?"

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty can to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling", he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"

She kissed him handed him the harmonica and said, "First let's see you play that harmonica!"

[Neinteen]

HAHA! Love these jokes