Jokes. Need I say more?

[rac]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers...

"I don't weally fink my pyfon gives a phuk."

[rac]

A Duck walks into a pub and orders a beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'But you're a duck'.

'I see your eyes are working', replies the duck.

'And you talk !' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working', says the duck,
'Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please ?'

'Certainly', says the barman,
'sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.

What are you doing round this way ?'.

'I'm working on the building site across the road', explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to
him, 'You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be
just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything !' .

'Sounds marvellous', says the Ringmaster, 'get him to give me a call'.

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
'Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really
good money !'

'Yeah ?', says the duck, 'Sounds great, where is it ?'

'At the circus', says the barman.

'The circus ?' the duck enquires.

'That's right', replies the barman.

'You did say the circus ?' the duck asks again.

'Yes' says the barman

'That place with the big tent ?' the duck enquires.

'Yeah' the barman replies.

'With all the animals ?' the duck questioned.

'Of course' the barman replies in an exasperated tone.

'With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle', asks the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck looks confused.

'What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?

[rac]

Q. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A. A Fsh.

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A. I've no eye deer.

[rac]

Wife is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

Husband walks in, she turns and says "You've got to make love to me this very moment." His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day".

Not wanting to lose a moment he embraced her and gave it his all right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she says "Thanks" and returns to the stove, more than a little puzzled he asks, "What was that all about?"

She explained: "The egg timer is broken".

[rac]

Compliments of TheBox.bz:


The finest double entendres on British TV & Radio

· Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's just come in his shorts"


· Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."


· Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."


· Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World superbike racing: "Colin had a hard one on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard one on now."


· Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."


· Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil tell us about your amazing third leg."


· Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."


· James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Rubens Barrichello?"


· Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."


· Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."


· Steve Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told Trude: "There's something big growing between my legs."


· Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."


· A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!


· US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

[rac]

A businessman called home at noon one day, but the maid answered. When the man asked to speak to his wife, the maid replied, "She's upstairs in the bedroom entertaining her boyfriend."
After spluttering and fuming for a minute, the businessman asked the maid if she would like to make $100 000 for a few minute's work.

She said, "Of course, what do I have to do?"

He answered, "Take my shotgun from the closet and shoot both of them."
The maid put the phone down. He heard footsteps proceeding upstairs, then two shots rang out. The maid picked up the phone and said "OK it's done, what shall I do with the bodies?"

The man said, "Take them out the back and throw them into the pool."

"What pool?" the maid asked.

After a moment of silence the man said, "Is this 555 9127?"

[rac]

A guy who was a car salesman from england but had contacts in Scotland was driving up the A6 from Perth to Inverness when suddenly a highland warrior jumped out on the road.

This was your typical highland warrior in kilt with claymore and huge muscles, the guy stops and gets out of the car to inquire what the man wanted.

Highland warrior: Drop Your Trousers

Salesman: WHAT???

HW: (sticks claymore under the chin of salesman) You heard me Drop Your Trousers

So the salesman drops his trousers

HW: And Your Pants

The salesman looks puzzled but when the claymore is under his chin he does as told.

Salesman: What now then?

HW: Have a .... (Quick 50 off the wrist)

Salesman: What???

HW: (Again places claymore under the guys chin) You heard me, Have a .... (Quick 50 off the wrist)

So the salesman does as requested shoots his load and is pulling up his underwear and trousers. The warrior says to him: I ain't finished with you yet have another one.

The salesman is looking really puzzled but dose so anyway and once again as he is finished he is pulling himself together but the highlander isn't finished with him yet and tells him to do it again which the salesman manages to do.

As he is pulling himself together after the 3rd time the highlander says to him again that he ain't done with him to which the salesman replied:

Look I've just came 3 times for you what more do you want from me?

Highlander: Can you give my daughter a lift to Inverness

[rac]

A tortoise goes to the police station:

Desk Sergeant: Good evening sir, may I help you?

Tortoise: I've been mugged!!

Desk Sergeant: Oh dear. Could you give me some details?

Tortoise: Snails! Snails! I was mugged by snails.

Desk Sergeant: Snails, sir???

Tortoise: Yes, snails!! There was a bunch of them.

Desk Sergeant: Could you give me a description of any of them?

Tortoise: No, no.......it all happened to fast!

[rac]

From the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

[rac]

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1. coffee , n. the person upon whom one coughs.

2. flabbergasted , adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3.. abdicate , v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade , v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. willy-nilly , adj. impotent.

6. negligent , adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. lymph , v. to walk with a lisp.

8. gargoyle , n. olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. flatulence , n.. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. balderdash , n. a rapidly receding hairline..

11. testicle , n. a humorous question on an exam.

12. rectitude , n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. pokemon , n.. a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. oyster , n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishism's.

15. Frisbeetarianism , n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. circumvent , n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

[rac]

Bloke sees an advert in a pet shop, 'talking centipede £5,000.' He buys it, takes it home in a small box and after about 30 minutes opens the box and asks if it would like to go for a pint.

The centipede doesn't answer. Raising his voice he repeats the question, still no reply. Getting angry, thinking he's done his money, he shouts the question.

The centipede sticks his head out of his box and says 'I heard you the first time, I was putting my bloody shoes on!'

[rac]

A chicken farmer wakes up and goes to check on his prize rooster. As he nears the hutch he can see to legs sticking up in the air. Its on its back, dead. Devastated the farmer wanders about crying in anguish. This Rooster, with the best tackle that had ever been seen, had been sorting out his hens for years.

The farmer looks through the local classifieds for a new Rooster. He finds an ad, phones the number and arranges to see this Rooster that afternoon.

He pulls up in his van that afternoon at the address. A man comes over 'are you here about the Rooster? "Yes" replies the farmer.

"Follow me"

He follows the man to this huge hutch in which is this huge Rooster strutting about with enormous repr0ductive organs.

"Jesus" says the farmer. "He's amazing, how much?

"A fiver"

"Why so cheap? Is he sterile?"

"No, far from it"

"Whats the problem with him?"

"He's a talking Rooster"

"I'll take him"

He bundles his new Rooster into the back of his van and goes home. The Rooster is in the back the whole journey shouting "I need some birds, my loins are hot for your hens"

They arrive, the farmer lets the Rooster out and he struts about shouting "where are they, let me at 'em"

The farmer points in the direction of 5 huge hen coops about 100ft in length. The Rooster disappears in a cloud of dust in the hens direction. The farmer retires to his house for a cup of tea. 2 hours later there is a knock at the door. Looking distinctly knackered and short of a few feathers the Rooster comes into the kitchen. The farmer tells him he should take a nap. "What" screams the Rooster "I'm not finished" "But you've just had 500 hens?"

"I'm not finished" yells the Rooster "You must have some more birds"

"Well, there's the ducks by the pond"

A huge cloud of dust and the Rooster is gone.

An hour later the Rooster returns, nearly bald and gasping.

"My god, are you alright ?" says the farmer. "Come in and have some supper"

"No way" says the Rooster "I've still got a full sack. Have you got any other birds?

"Well" says the farmer "You could try the geese, but be careful, they're big birds"

"Great" says the Rooster "Where are they?"

The farmer points to the hill behind the house.

A huge cloud of dust and the farmer is on his own again.

The farmer has his supper and falls asleep. The next morning the farmer gets up, goes outside and looks for his Rooster. He is nowhere to be found. The farmer looks towards the hill and can see vultures circling above.

"Oh my god" he runs over and as he approaches he can see 2 legs pointing up to the sky. The Rooster is on its back.

"Aaah noooo" shouts the farmer. "The geese have killed him"

Distraught, he goes over to the Rooster, leans down and says "Rooster, are you ok?

The Rooster opens an eye and whispers "F**k off, they're just about to land"

[rac]

A big-shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."


After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"

After a pause, the doctor replied, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"

[rac]

Dubya and the Devil


George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

'I don't know what to do here,' says the Devil. 'You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept resurfacing over and over and over, gasping for air. Such was his fate in hell.

'No!' George said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long.'

The devil led him to the next room.

In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.

All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time, and more rocks appeared.

'No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!' thought George.

The devil opened a third door.

In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread eagle pose.

Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, 'Yeah, I can handle this.'

'The devil smiled and said: "Monica, you're free to go.

[rac]

A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said "2-4 years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 . "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!! !

[rac]

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.
He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"
"A fottle", replies the inventor.
"A fottle? That's stupid! Can't you think of some other name?"

"OK, I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

"A farton", replies the inventor.
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"

"In that case," says the inventor...
"You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

[rac]

Skinny little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."

The little man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: "What's wrong with you?

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weighs 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around."

[rac]

So I was sitting on a bench the other day waiting for a bus on a long straight stretch of road. I hadn't seen any traffic for a while so I looked up and saw in the distance something coming down the road. As it got closer, I realized it was a funeral procession. However it was different to any funeral procession I had ever seen. It was being preceded by a man walking two huge rottweilers, followed by two coffins in hearses, followed by a long procession of mourners walking in line behind the hearses.

So as the man with the dogs walked past me, I asked him who had died. He told me in the first hearse was his wife, and in the second was his mother-in-law. I immediately asked how it happened, and he told me his rottweilers had killed them both. Being a put-upon son-in-law myself, an idea started to form in my mind as to how I could rid myself of my mother-in-law. I asked the man if there was any chance I could borrow his dogs.

He just looked at me and said" join the queue".

[rac]

Okay, every once in a while I need a real stinker or two here they are:

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.


"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.


"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.


"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.


"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.


"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.


"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"



But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"





You're gonna LOVE me for this....






The third piggy says -



"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

[rac]

And here...





Q. What happened to Jesus when he went to Mount Olive











Ans. Popeye beat him up