Jokes. Need I say more?

[Larrison]

I'm surprised no one has added any Tom Swifties.. as in..


"I've had my left and right ventricles removed," Tom said half-heartedly.

[Larrison]

And another.. as my (j/f)aded memory kicks in..

"How do you like your martini?" Tom asked drily.

[Fencergrl]

What did the bug say after it hit the windshield?

I would do it again if I had the guts!

[npkeith]

What do you call a man with no arms or legs floating in a lake?

"Bob"

What do you call a man with no arms or legs lying in front of your door?

"Matt"

What do you call a failed lion tamer?

"Claude"

[telkanuru]

A pair of drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.



Ba-dum-cshhh!

[Goofy]

A priest walked into a pub, and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then leave this pub right now!" and approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then leave this den of Satan," said the priest, as he walked up to a third man. "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"No, I don't Father," the man replied.

The priest looked him right in the eye, and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "Oh, when I die, yeah, sure, of course, Father. But I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

[Araznal]

An elderly couple is finding harder and harder to pay the bills. The husband suggests to his wife that she could sell herself to help with expenses. She reluctantly agrees and leaves that night. The husband waits and waits all through the night, worried sick about his wife. Finally, she comes back home early in the morning, dirty and obviously tired. The husband asks, "How was it?" The wife answers, "It was alright, I made $50.25" The husband says, "Who paid only 25 cents?" The wife says, "Everybody!"

[Araznal]

An even worse joke to follow:

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using a vibrator?

A: Her teeth are chipped.

[Fencergrl]

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

[Araznal]

A guy in a bar walks up to the bartender and tells him, "I bet you $100 that I can pee in a whiskey glass from the other end of the bar." The bartender says, "That's impossible! Sure, I'll take that bet." The bartender sets out a whiskey glass over at one end of the bar and the man goes to the other end. He proceeds to pee everywhere except into the glass. After he is done, the whole bar is covered, including the bartender. The bartender doesn't care, though. He's just happy he won the bet. He then notices three guys at a nearby table slamming their fists into the table. He asks the guy, "What's with those guys?" The guy says, "Well I just bet each of them $1000 that I could piss all over you and you'd enjoy it."

[Goofy]

A sales representative, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas, and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office right after lunch."

[D'Art]

Two Irshmen are in bed, when Paddy turns to Mick and says "I think we mucked this wife-swapping thing up"

[Goofy]

A man is about to get into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she could say a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "Did he give you the $800 he owes me?"

[Fencergrl]

A woman walks in to her auto supply store and asks for a 710 cap. The clerk had never heard of such a part and is a little confused and asks if 710 is a part number for the item.

The woman said "It must, be as that's the number stamped into it". "Well do you happen to have it with you?" the clerk asks. The woman then reached in her bag and pulled out a cap. The clerk turned it around the other way so it read OIL.

I don't know if it's a true story or and urban myth, but my husband always refer to our oil caps as 710 caps.

[Araznal]

A young apprentice is told by the contractor to go to the local hardware store and pick up some five cent screws. The apprentice makes a wrong turn, however and accidentally finds himself in the local brothel. The madame asks him what he wants. He says, "yes, I'm looking for a five cent screw." The madame, a bit confused says, "I'm sorry sir. We don't have five cent screws. We have 100 dollar screws and 50 dollar screws, but no five cent screws." The apprentice says, "this is outrageous! 100 dollar screws? What kind of business are you running here? All I want is a five cent screw!" The madame thinks for a bit, then says, "Henry, butter up the cat, we got a cheap one!"

[UTEpee]

a teacher tells her young class to come to school tomorrow and tell a story with a moral at the end.
so timmy goes home and tries to think of a story, but he cant, so he asks his parents. they tell him the story of his uncle dave.
"uncle dave was a pilot in the vietnam war" his father begins "and he was once shot down in enemy territory. all that he had with him was a pistol, a knife, and a flask of whiskey. so he drank the whiskey while he was parachuting down, and it happens that he lands in a group of 20 viet cong soldiers. he shoots 15 of them then runs out of bullets. he stabs 4 and then the knife breaks, and he kills the last one with his bare hands." timmy then goes back to his class the next day and tells the story. his teacher remarks that it is an amazing story but wants to know what the moral is. timmy thinks for a moment and replies "stay away from uncle dave when hes been drinking"

[fencerontheline]

A guy goes into an irish bar with his prodigy pet octopus and says "I bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play."

The people in the bar look around and someone breaks out an electric guitar.

The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts Jamming out Hendrix. The octopus's owner pockets the fifty bucks.

Next guy comes brings the octopus and owner over to the piano. the octopus sits down, and plays Beethoven's fifth symphony, very stylishly and with perfect technique.

The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back in a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, "Now, if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has another look from another angle. Puzzled, the octopus's owner comes up and says "What are you fooling around for? Hurry up and play the damn thing!"

The octopus says "Play it? I'm gonna find a way to get it out of it's pajamas and **** it!!"

[Goofy]

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 110%? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions. If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

However,

B-U-L-L-S-*-*-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

A-*-*-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%.

So- one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bulls**t and A**kissing that will put you over the top.

[TLH]

What do you call 6 blondes standing in a circle ?





...a dope ring...


What do you call 6 blondes standing in a line ?






...wind tunnel...


Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory ?






...she threw away all the Ws....


What is the difference between a blonde and a screen door ?






...a screen door doesn't follow you around for 2 weeks after you bang it...



....Please don't tell me that ZZ is blonde....PLEASE...

[Goofy]

Two aerials met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.