Jokes. Need I say more?

[sabreur]

Originally Posted by Zilverzmurfen

Not exactly jokes, but I though I'd post here instead of starting a new thread.

I stumbled upon this site the other day (tip off the UK fencing forum) and found some funny pictures. Some of them reminded me of F.netters, in various ways.

Have at you!


Ess. This is for you!
http://www.amishdonkey.com/media/potd/03-13-2005.jpg

Oh my!!!!!

Originally Posted by Zilverzmurfen

Sabreur. This is for you!
http://www.amishdonkey.com/media/potd/04-09-2005.jpg

Cute

Originally Posted by Zilverzmurfen

Westley. This is for you!
http://www.amishdonkey.com/media/potd/06-12-2005.jpg


Inq. This is for you!
http://www.amishdonkey.com/media/potd/04-14-2005.jpg

And the last two are quite appropriate... MR

[sabreur]

An accountant, an engineer and a lawyer are drinking together, and they start bragging about how smart their dogs are. They decide to have a contest to see whose dog is smartest.

The accountant says, "I'll start this off," and takes out a box of dog bones. He says, "Hey, Debit, count out sixteen biscuits." And his dog goes and counts out sixteen biscuits.

The engineer says, "That's nothing. Hey Sliderule, take the square root of those biscuits," and her dog goes and pulls four biscuits out of the pile.

The lawyer is really worried, because he KNOWS his dog isn't nearly as smart as the other two dogs, but he notices that the other two dogs are females and his dog is a male, so he says, "Hey Tort, do your thing," and his dog goes and eats all the dog biscuits and screws the other two dogs....

MR

[Goofy]

A German Shepherd went to a telegram office, walked over to the clerk, and barked:

“Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The startled clerk diligently wrote down each 'Woof' on a message form, examined the paper, and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

“But then,” the dog replied, “the message would make no sense at all.”

[jeff]

A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.

He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ***! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and
fighting. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the sum***** who pushed me in the pool."

[ReverseLunge]

I was at Wal-mart earlier to buy some long socks for fencing. Well as I was walking out to my car some blonde lady runs up to me. She was panicking and all. She said that she just locked her baby in the SUV and the keys were in the car. She said that she needed to call AAA right away. So immediately I took out my cellphone and gave it to her and then she says, "But I don't have AAA!"

[oiuyt]

As heard on the radio on my way home from the PdF sabre camp:

Q: How many men does it take to open a can of beer?



A: None. It damn well better be open when she friggin' brings it!


-B :)
*who decided AGAINST putting this joke in the jokes with realistic endings thread :) *

[Goofy]

A man goes to the doctor's office for a normal checkup. Things begin to take quite a while, though, and there are many more tests done than usual.

Finally the doctor calls the man into his office and tells him, "I'm very sorry, but you've a terminal disease and there's nothing we can do."

In shock, the man replies, "Well, how long do I have to live?"

The doctor responds, "Ten...."

The patient, now terrified by the diagnosis, interrupts with "Ten what? Months, weeks, years, what?!?"

The doctor responds, "...nine, eight, seven....."

[Zilverzmurfen]

A team of sociologists have planned an experiment. They send an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Japanese man to a deserted island and arrange to come back and pick them up in a year's time and see how they have adapted.

The sociologists leave, and the three men decide to split up the tasks amongst themselves.

"I'm an engineer" says the Englishman, "So I'll handle building a shelter".

He turns to the Frenchman and says: "You French are pretty good cooks so why don't you handle the cooking?"

The Frenchman agrees, and the Englishman turns to the Japanese and says "That leaves you to organise the supplies".

The Japanese man agrees and each man sets about his tasks.

A year passes, and the sociologists return to see how the men have coped. They expect to find three desperate men, unhappy with having to live on the island, but instead find a huge wooden house with verandas and porches and balconies.

The Englishman comes to greet them,and when they express their surprise about the house he just shrugs and says "Yeah well I had a Lot of raw materials so I kind of went to town and did the place up".

The team are amazed and are shown inside to the kitchen where they're greeted with the most amazing smell of delicious food.

The Frenchman sees their surprise and just shrugs "I had lots to work with" he says,"This island has loads of edible herbs and plants."

The team sits down to eat and are about to start when one of them inquires about the Japanese man.

"Oh we don't know what happened to him" explains the Englishman, he ran off into the woods to sort out the supplies and hasn't been seen since".

They all agree that they should try to find the man, and a search party is organised. They make it about 100 yards into the woods, when the Japanese man jumps out from behind a tree, stark naked with half a coconut on his head, and peacock feathers sticking out of his backside, and shouts...








... "Supplies!"

[Goofy]

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to
leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has
assured them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off
immediately after that. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the
aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is
using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle
with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the
cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin
glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a
little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and
faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're
headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it
begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow
into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment,
the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have
all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the
plane is in good hands.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know,
Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all
gonna die.."

[TLH]

> Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint
>> of goat's milk. The older of the two pulls her bag out and starts
>> flipping through pictures
>> and they start reminiscing.
>>
>> "This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"
>> "Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
>> "He's a martyr now, though" mum confides.
>>
>> "Oh so sad dear," says the other.
>> "And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21."
>> "Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair
>> when he was born."
>> "He's a martyr, too," says mum quietly.
>>
>> "Oh gracious me," says the other.
>> "And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18," she
>> whispers. "Yes," says the friend enthusiastically. "I remember when he
>
>> first started
>> school."
>> "He's a martyr, also" says mum, with tears in her eyes.
>>
>>
>>
>> After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks
>> wistfully at the photographs and says................"They blow up so
>> fast, don't they?"
>>
>>

[BOBP]

Three fencers were drinking heavily in a foreign land. They didn't know it was illegal to drink outside of a pub. The Epeeist was their leader of course. She was a powerful women. The Saber dude was smart. He even knows Latin. The Foilist was a jolly creature that usually lived in the sea except when fencing,drinking,and doing the things Astronomers do. The penalty for drinking outside a pub was 10 lashes, or one could choose 20 lashes and recieve a "WISH". The foilist chose the 10 lashes. After the last one, he told the others "ThatReallyHurt". The Saber dude chose 20 lashes, and the wish. He took his lashes, and crying out he wished The Epeeist would get 100 lashes. The clever Epeeist said since I'm getting 100 lashes extra can I have my wish first. They granted her request. She looked at the laughing saber dude, and then said (pointing at the saber dude) "I want all my lashes with that man tied to my back".

[foildad]

A penguin was taking a cross country automobile trip. The engine was acting funny, so the penguin takes his car into an auto repair shop. The mechanic tells the penguin that it'll take a few hours to diagnose the problem, so the penguin takes a walk around town and comes across an ice cream shop. He orders a vanilla ice cream cone, but since sinc penguins have flippers instead of hands he makes a mess of himself.

A while later the penguin goes back to the auto repair shop to checkon his car. The mechanic says: "I've got some bad news. It looks like you've blown a seal."

The penguin replies: "Naw, I just spilled my ice cream."

[Goofy]

A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking for a monkey. The storeowner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats.

"The one to the left costs $500," says the storeowner.

"Why so much?" asks the customer.

"Because it can program in C," answers the storeowner.

The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told that "That one costs $1500, because it knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational technology."

The startled man then asks about the third monkey.

"That one costs $3000," answers the storeowner.

"$3000!" exclaims the man. "What can that one do?"

To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Consultant."

[TLH]

What do you call a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand ??








...Not enough sand....



How many lawyers does it take to reroof a house ??









....It depends on how thinly you slice them....

[Goofy]

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:

"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

[Frank Pratt]

A mechanic, a Microsoft programmer, and an electrician are driving down the road. The engine suddenly stops, so they pull over. A discussion immediately ensues as to what could be wrong.

"I'll have this fixed in no time. Pop the hood," said the mechanic. "It’s probably something simple like a leak, or a loose hose or something."

"Nah, I bet it's an electrical problem" says the electrician. There's a ton of gadgets in these new cars, and any one of them could have blown a fuse."

Then the MS Programmer says "hey, before we do anything, let's just all get out of the car, wait a few seconds, then get back in and see if she'll start."

[Goofy]

If You're Happy And You Know It (Bomb Iraq)

If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are Saudi,
And your alibi is shoddy,
And your tastes remain quite gaudy,
Bomb Iraq.

If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.
If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.
If you think that SUVs,
Are the best thing since sliced cheese,
And your father you must please,
Bomb Iraq.

If the globe is quickly warming, bomb Iraq.
If the poor will soon be storming, bomb Iraq.
We assert that might makes right,
Burning oil is a delight,
For the empire we will fight,
Bomb Iraq.

If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.
If we think that someone's dissed us, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections,
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
Bomb Iraq.

If corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq.
If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq.
If your politics are sleazy,
And hiding that ain't easy,
And your manhood's getting queasy,
Bomb Iraq.

Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq.
For our might now knows no borders, bomb Iraq.
Disagree? We'll call it treason,
It's the make war not love season,
Even if we have no reason,
Bomb Iraq.

[Have At You]

An Irishman, a Frenchman, and a German walk into a bar.
So the Rabbi says to the Priest, "I think we're in the wrong joke."

[felicote]

So a baby seal walks into a club

[D'Art]

What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits a windshield?
It's arse