Jokes. Need I say more?

[Goofy]

A man is looking in the classified ads for a job. He notices an advertisement for a toothbrush salesman and figured that couldn't be such a bad job. So, he calls in, he goes in and they hire him. The next day, he heads out to a neighborhood to make some sales. Five hours later he comes home and says, "Man, I only sold one toothbrush. That's not enough."

So the next day he goes to a richer neighborhood, thinking maybe those people would buy more toothbrushes. He ends up selling two toothbrushes. So he goes to his boss for advice and his boss says, "Look, you're a great guy and all, but you gotta come up with a gimmick or something."

So the salesman thinks about it, and the next day he sets up a booth near the subway with a sign that says "Free chips and dip." A guy walks over and scoops up some dip and says, "Ugh, this tastes like something out of the subway toilet!" The salesman replies, "That's 'cause it is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

[rac]

One dark night outside a small town in Saskatchewan, a fire started inside the local sausage plant and in a blink it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved and I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Wakaw rural township volunteer fire department composed mainly of Polish Firefighters over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Polish Firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Polish old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Wakaw old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Polish firefighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Stanley Polaski, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da furst thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck."

[akaiyuki]

Gentle horses not always nice!
http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...74260382&hl=en

[Fencergrl]

This was sent to me... I just thought it was very funny (sorry about the length).

Here's a prime example of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"; offered by an English professor from the University of Colorado for an actual class assignment:

The professor told his class one day, "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.

As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.

.................

THE STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(Second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary )
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably passive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

( Gary)
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F***ING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)
Asshole.

( Gary)
B*tch!

(Rebecca)
F#*% YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!

( Gary)
In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.

(TEACHER)
A+ - I really liked this one.

[latenight]

[quote=Fencergrl]This was sent to me... I just thought it was very funny (sorry about the length).


Nice!!!!!

[rac]

We've all heard about people having guts or balls.
But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed,
the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS -
is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS -
is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

[rac]

During these serious times people of all faiths should remember these 4 religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

[Goofy]

Little Nancy is in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peers over the fence. He politely asks, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"I was playing with my hamster on the patio this morning and he died," replies Nancy tearfully, without looking up. "I've just buried him."

The neighbor asks, "That's an awfully big hole for a hamster, isn't it?" Nancy pats down the last heap of earth, then replies, "That's because he's inside your friggin' cat."

[wrdbrn]

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with
his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the
house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping and airing
the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam
cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought
in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few
days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool
carpeting.

Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the
house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cuttheir price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her
the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed
her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce
settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a
price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but
only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home,......... And to spite the ex wife they even took the the curtainrods!!!!!!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

[Fencergrl]

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show
it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the
other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
"You ARE on the other side."


AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then
she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and
screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched
made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights
and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and
yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"


BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said,
"We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at
night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde ws playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled
the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in
a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was
named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

[foildad]

A guy and his buddy are out bar hopping, and get really hammered. On the subway ride home the guy throws up on himself, soiling the new leather coat his wife had just bought for him. In order to keep him out of trouble with his wife, his buddy suggests he put a $20 bill in the inside coat pocker and then tell his wife that some drunk guy on the subway threw up on him and gave him the $20 to have the jacket cleaned.

So the guy walks in his house and his wife takes one look at him and goes nuts. He explains, "Honey, it isn't what you think. Some drunk threw up on me on the subway and gave me twenty bucks to get my jacket cleaned." He then reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out the money and gives it to her. She looks at it at says "This isn't a twenty, it's a fifty." He replies, " Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. He sh** my pants, too."

[The Chaotic Wind]

One day at a university an anatomy professorwas giving a lecture.
"A professionsal must be tw thigns" he said "one of the is fearess" and wiht that, he put his finger into the cadavers anus. and then put hsi finger in his mouth.
"Now you do it."
Hesitantly, all of his students followed the order.
"The second thing you must be, is observant, for example, how many noticed that i put my index finger in the anus but put my middle finger in my mouth?"

[Zilverzmurfen]

Mini TV boss...

[akaiyuki]

THIS is hilarious.

Actually while I'm at it, found a couple more good ones:
Click
And click

Youtube is great

[Go? Fencing?]

For my friends in Canadia Proper....

A young stockboy was trying to help a customer who wanted to buy half a head of lettuce. The man insisted that the stockboy check with the manager before denying his request.

The stockboy went over to the manager and said, "Some idiot want to buy half a head of lettuce!" Seeing the customer behind him, he quickly added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

Later, the manager said to the stockboy, "That was some pretty quick thinking. Where are you from, son?"

The stockboy answered, "I'm from Canada, sir."

"Oh? And why did you leave?"

"Well, all that's in Canada is tramps and hockey players."

The manager frowned. "You know, my wife is from Canada."

"Oh, really? What team did she play for?"

[rac]

At dawn the telephone rings.
"Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot died.
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird." "What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat,
Senor Rod" "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes Senor Rod, died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell??....Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!!
"Yes Senor Rod." "But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??
"Your wife's, Senor Rod... She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."



SILENCE.................., LONG SILENCE....



"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep ****!"

[rac]

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar." "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing
that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar
of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle.

She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"