Jokes. Need I say more?

[wrdbrn]

A middle aged man makes a court appearance for stealing a can of peaches. His none too happy wife is sitting in the back row of the gallery. The Judge is exasperated because of his full docket and says "Its been a long day, how many peaches are there in a can?" The man sheepishly says, "About 6." The judge then rules, "six days in jail."

As the Judge reaches for his gavel the mans wife jumps up and says "Wait your Honor ... he swiped a can of peas too!"

[latenight]

>YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE TELLS IT ALL
>
>A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
>
>"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
>
>"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.
>
>"It's not polite."
>
>"OK", the little girl says, "How much do! you weigh?"
>
>"Now really," the mother says,
>"those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
>
>Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
>
>"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
>
>The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
>
>"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend
>
>"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license.
>It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
>
>Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are,
>you are 32."
>
>The mother is surprised and asks,
>"How did you find that out?
>
>"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
>
>The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
>"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
>
>"And," the little girl says triumphantly,
>"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
>
>"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
>
>"Because you got an F in sex."

[Dream505]

whats black blue purple and brown laying in a ditch?


see if you can guess what that is

[SaberGirl]

oh i know a bruntte who has told too many blonde jokes

[Dream505]

a blond walks into a barber shop and says whatever you do don't take the headphones off a few minutes later the barber takes the headphones off and the blond droped dead the barber put the head phones on and heard "Breath in breath out breath in breath out"

[akaiyuki]

A priest is playing golf, but he is not very good.

"Damn! I missed!" says the priest, as the ball rolls past the hole not too far away.

The nun beside him is taken aback. "You must not swear, Father! Or God will strike you dead!"

"Thanks for the reminder, Sister. I didn't realize what I was saying until it was too late," says the priest contritely.

The priest is now taking more care in hitting the ball. Holding his breath, he gently rolls the ball toward the hole in a precise and accurate direction. Just then, a strong gust of wind blows the ball off course. "Damn it! I missed again!" says the priest.

The nun was aghast. "Father! You must not swear, or God will strike you dead! You should go to the church today and ask for His forgiveness."

The priest nods in agreement as he prepares to go at it again. Just before he makes contact with the ball, which is very close to the hole now, a fly somehow manages to land in his nose. As he sneezes, he hits the ball a little too forcefully despite his desperate attempt to suppress his force.

The ball skims quickly away, missing the hole. "Ahh... choo! Damn it!" mutters the priest under his breath as he sneezes again.

The nun covers her mouth with disbelief. Instantly, the clouds begin to thicken. They could hear the rolling thunders already. The priest crosses himself and closes his eyes, awaiting his death. Only a few seconds passed before an extraordinarily fierce bolt of lightning comes flashing in his face. The light is so blinding for a moment that priest is sure that he is now in Heaven, and that God has forgiven him. However, when he opened his eyes, he realized that he is alive and sound, and the golf ball is in sight a few meters away.

"Sister, our God is truly a forgiving and merciful Lord." says the priest.

Silence.

As he turns to look, his heart skipped a beat. There, beside him, lies the body of the nun. No doubt it was the lightning bolt that struck the nun dead.

Just then, a voice interrupts his contemplation. It is unlike anything he has heard. It is a deep and booming voice that seems to be coming from somewhere very high up beyond the sky. It echoes, "DAMN, I MISSED!"

[sabreur]

Jesus is out playing golf with Peter, Paul and Mark. The first hole, the three apostles all hit fair to middling shots in the center of the fairway. Jesus tees up, takes an almighty swing, and hits the holy stuffing out of the ball--it flies up the fairway, then starts to hook, really badly. It flies off the course and lands in a woods. A squirrel grabs the ball and starts running up a tree. Then an eagle swoops down and grabs the squirrel and the ball and starts flying away with them. Suddenly, boom, a lightning bolt zaps the eagle, which drops the squirrel and the ball. The ball falls into the water hazard, rolls on top of the water, uphill to the green, and into the hole.

Peter looks at Jesus and says, "Are you going to fool around, or are you going to play golf?"

(I do not play golf by the way....)

[Goofy]

A duck walks into a hardware store and says to the clerk "Got any duck food?"

To which the clerk replies, "No."

The next day the duck walks into the hardware store and asks the clerk again, "Got any duck food?"

The clerk impatiently replies, "No!"

The duck goes into the hardware store for a third time and asks the clerk, "Got any duck food?"

The clerk whirls around and says, "If you ask me that one more time I'm going to nail your little webbed feet to the floor!"

The duck comes back a fourth time and asks the clerk, "Got any nails?"

The surprised clerk answers, "No, we just ran out."

So then the duck replies, "Got any duck food?"

[rac]

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas; there are more Catholic Churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshippers at sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.











This is done by the CHIP Monks.
You didn't even see it coming did you?

[rac]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for"?

The second kid says "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It's a breeze".

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for"? The first kid says, “A circumcision"

And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good Luck buddy, I had that done when I was born .............

Couldn't walk for a year"

[Goofy]

A man enters the confessional one Sunday afternoon and says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have wrongly used vulgar language."

The priest calmly replies, "Tell me, my son, when did this happen?"

"I was playing golf in the local club championship, and needed a two on the par 3 18th to win and set a new course scoring record. I hit a terrible tee shot, which hooked and rolled in a ditch."

"Is that when you cursed?"

"No - then, a gopher scrambled to the bottom of the ditch, grabbed my ball in its teeth and scampered back into the rough!"

"Ah, and that must have been when you cursed."

"No - while the gopher ran across the rough, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the gopher, soaring into the sky!"

"Surely, THAT was when you cursed!"

"No - the eagle squeezed the gopher, the ball popped out of the gopher's mouth, landed on the green and amazingly rolled to within a foot of the pin."

The priest pauses, then says, "Don't tell me you missed the f***ing putt."

[Zilverzmurfen]

You're driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine, travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?





























Get off the children's merry-go-gound -- you're drunk!

[Five Rings]

A family from the country visit the city for the first time.

Dad and Junior stand in front of the elevator and are confounded by what it is. They watch as an old lady in a wheelchair go through the open door and the watch the door close. They wait. . .

Moments later, the door opens again, and a gorgeous woman steps out.

Dad turns to Junior and says: "Son, go git yer mom."

[Josephine25]

http://jokes.comedycentral.com/joke_...Date=48&id=813


This had me lmfao.

[Goofy]

Sam and Charlie have been friends since medical school. They work together, they socialize together and every Sunday, they play a round of golf together. It's the same routine, play eighteen holes, have a few drinks and they are home to their wives by 6 p.m. Well, one Sunday they don't get home at six. Neither wife is worried since the play might have bee slow or they might have had a few extra drinks. Eight o'clock rolls around...then 9 o’clock...10 o’clock....finally at 11 o’clock Sam walks in the door. He looks terrible.

His wife demands to know where he's been. He tells her, "Charlie died on the first hole. There was nothing any of us could do...it was a massive heart attack."

She is horrified. "That must have been very tough on you," she says.

"You bet," replies Sam. "It was eighteen holes of hit the ball, drag Charlie...hit the ball, drag Charlie..."

[rac]

A gynecologist tired of his profession, and wanting less responsibility, decided a career change was in order. After some serious thought, he decided that being an engine mechanic, something he had once enjoyed prior to college, would be a good choice. However, it had been a long time since he had tinkered with an engine and he knew that in order to compete with the younger workforce, he would have to go to school.

He enrolled in a technical institute that specialized in teaching auto mechanics. He aced the course, but the final exam required each student to completely strip and reassemble an engine. It was with some trepidation that he took the test. At completion, he turned the engine over to his instructors for evaluation and awaited his final grade.

When they were handed out, he did a double take at the 150% grade he received. Rather confused, he asked his instructors how it was possible to have a grade like this. "It is really quite simple," they said. "We gave you 50% for correctly disassembling the engine, 50% for correctly reassembling it, and an additional 50% for doing it all through the muffler."

[RoninX]

**WARNING TERRIBLE PUN APPROACHING***



Moss clump #1: What do you think of your new spot on the north side of the tree?

Moss clump #2: So far I'm lichen it pretty well.

[Aqua_volans]

A russian and an arfrican man were chatting one day. Both were trying to outdo the other in whatever topic they could think of. The russian then took out his revolver, put in one bullet and said "this is russian roulette, you lose, you die." With a grin on his face, stuck it in his mouth and pulled the trigger. The african said :" oh thats nothing, let me show you african roulette" The african guy brought the russian to a little mud brick hut. Inside were 6 women. The african guy said, "choose one and she will give you a blowjob." The russian eagerly took off his pants and picked one. A few moments later, the russian was screaming and blood was splattering all over the floor. The african looked and said, "hmmm you lost, i forgot to say that one of them was a cannibal!"

[Zilverzmurfen]

I felt no need to create a separate thread for this...

Lookie, US president Bush goes rock!

[Goofy]

President Bush is getting his daily briefing. The aide giving the briefing concludes with: "And yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed..."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"