Jokes. Need I say more?

[Goofy]

The mafia hires a deaf-mute man to collect its protection money, figuring he can’t sing if he gets caught. In his first week the collector picks up more than $50,000. The second week he stashes the money and tries to leave town, but the mafia guys catch him and use an interpreter to grill him.

"Ask him where the money is," says the don. The interpreter signs, "Where’s the money?"

The collector signs, "I don’t know what you’re talking about," and the interpreter says, "He don’t know what you’re talking about." The don then pulls out a .38 and puts it in the deaf guy’s ear.

"Now ask him where the money is."

The deaf man signs frantically, "It’s in Central Park, in the third tree stump on the left after the main entrance!"

The interpreter says, "He says he still don’t know what you’re talking about, and that you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger."

[Goofy]

Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the driver’s window, the driver rolls it down, and the trooper smacks the driver in the head with his night stick.

"Ow!" says the driver. "Why’d you do that?"

The trooper says, "You’re in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you’ll have your license ready."

"I’m sorry, officer," says the driver. "I’m not from around here."

The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives his license back, then walks around to the car’s passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper smacks him with his night stick.

"Ow!" says the passenger. "What’d you do that for?"

The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."

"What does that mean?" asks the guy.

The trooper smiled and said, "Two miles down the road, you were gonna say, ‘I wish that lousy SOB would’ve tried that with me!"

[Moses]

Chuck Norris has died and gone to Heaven. Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have also found their way to Heaven. They hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks each of them why he thinks he should have the seat.

Vin replies, "I believe... I should be the one sitting next to you because of my toughness and pride."

Arnold says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements, cinematic and political."

God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat."

-Da Mose

[fencingfrog]

this is my friends little sister's favorite joke. she thinks its hilarious:

knock knock

whos there?

banana

banana who?

why did the banana cross the window?

to play a game of checkers!!!

[wrdbrn]

This nice young couple had just married and being country folk they bought a nice piece of land and were working on their garden in the early afternoon.

She bends over and he says .. why sweetie you are almost as wide as a row of corn. She looks up at him, and goes right back to picking beans.

Later that evening they were doing dishes after dinner and she drops a dish towel, and he says...no sweetie you seem to have gotten almost as 3 rows of corn She glares and says nothing...

at bed time she was picking up a towel from the bathroom floor and he remarks.. i hate to be talking about this but you are as wide these days as a 6 row of corn harvester. She throws the towel in the hamper and goes to bed.

He joined his birde in bed and snuggled in feeling frisky.. and she looked at him and said... you think i am going to fire up a $300,000 piece of equipment for half an ear of corn tonight you are just crazy....

[fencingfrog]

A Christian man goes bear hunting one day. He finds a bear, and he goes to shoot it and his rifle jams. The bear is really mad, now that it saw the hunter, so the hunter drops to his knees and prays "Dear Lord, please baptize this bear and let him become a Christian," hoping the bear wouldn't harm him. Then he heard the bear say, "Thank you Lord, for this wonderful meal..."

[Goofy]

A teacher was reading "Chicken Little" to her first grade class. She read, "So Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is falling...’"

The teacher stopped and asked the class, "So what do you think the farmer said?"

One girl raised her hand and said, "HOLY ****, A TALKING CHICKEN!!!"

[Zesty]

What's the similarity between John Prescott and an MFI filing cabinet? Both have secretaries fishing around in their drawers. Bad, I know, but as a political joke it's not too bad.

[Zilverzmurfen]

Two IT guys were talking in a bar after work.

"Guess what" says the first IT guy "yesterday I met this gorgeous blonde in a bar".
"What did you do?" says the other IT guy.
"Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off..."
"You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy.
"...so I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her up and put her on my desk next to my new laptop and then proceeded to **** her like a barn-door in a storm."
"Really...you've got a new laptop?!"

[wrdbrn]

Let me see if can remember how this one goes....

Man comes home from work one afternoon and as he walks into the kitchen his wife throws a cast iron skillet at him knocking him on the floor and leaving a nice new knot on his head. He said, what was that for? She retorts - 30 years of bad sex. So the man slinks off to the living room to nurse his wounded head and pride. A few minutes later he comes back with a golf club in his hand and as he swings it over his shoulder and takes retaliatory aim at her he says... Well, this is for knowing the difference.

[slowgraffiti515]

so a grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says "hey! we have a drink named after you."
and the grasshopper replies "you have a drink named steve ?!"

i actually cried when i first heard this joke coz i was laughing so hard...but it might be because im easily amused.

[Goofy]

Two elderly women are taking a drive after church one Sunday.

Margaret is riding in the passenger side and enjoying the scenery when she looks up and sees that Ethel has run through a red light. Without her glasses, Margaret can't see very well, so she decides not to say anything, in case she's mistaken.

A few minutes later, Margaret is again enjoying the scenery when she looks up and is nearly certain that Ethel has run another red light. This time she decides to say something.

"Ethel, are you trying to kill us? You just ran through two red lights!" Margaret says.

Stunned, Ethel turns to Margaret and says, "OH MY GOD, AM I DRIVING!?"

[sabreur]

A group of engineers were sitting around discussing what kind of engineer God was.

"God must be a civil engineer," said one, "Look at the skeleton, and how magnificently it is designed."

"No way," said another, "God had to be a mechanical engineer--look at how beautifully the muscles move the skeleton."

"You're both wrong," said a third, "God had to to be computer engineer--the skeleton and the muscles are operated by the wonderfully complex brain and nervous system."

"You're all wrong," said the fourth. "God is a sanitary engineer. Who else would put a recreation area in the middle of a sewage treatment plant?"

[foildad]

A farmer walks into his house holding a sheep in his arms. He walks into the kitchen where his wife is doing the dishes. He blurts out: "Honey, I think you should know, I've been f***ing this pig." His wife says: "Christ Fred, that's a sheep, not a pig". He replies: "I wasn't talking to you."

[fencingfrog]

ok, for all of you who take racist jokes seriously, don't read any further. and i know this is mean, but i thought some of you might appreciate this one:

a black guy, a mexican guy and a puerto rican guy are in a car. who's driving?

the cops!!! *laughs hysterically*

[fencingfrog]

same warning as above.


what do you call a bunch of white guys running down a hill? avalanche
what do you call a bunch of black guys running down a hill? mudslide
what do you call a bunch of mexican guys running down a hill? JAILBREAK!!!

[Goofy]

First year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In vet medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the "posterior" of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But they eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

[Goofy]

A fellow was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night after leaving the neighborhood pub.

While viewing the living room, they noticed a big brass gong hanging above the fireplace.

"What's that gong doing there?" one of his guests asked.

"It's not a gong, it's a talking clock" the fellow answered.

"A talking clock, seriously?!" asked the astonished friend.

"Yup."

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch" the fellow answered.

He picked up a large wooden mallet that was lying on the floor. He gave the gong a whack and stepped back. Suddenly someone on the other side of the wall screamed "YOU DRUNKEN IDIOT!! IT'S 10 PAST 3 IN THE MORNING!!"

[Smartalec789]

An Army guy is sitting at a bar wearing a shirt that says "Marines suck".
Sure enough, two Marines walk up.
One of the Marines says, "WHAT DOES THAT SHIRT SAY!?!?!?!"

So the Army guy responds, "That's the first thing I hate about Marines, they can't read."

The other Marine growls, "What did you say!?!"

The Army guy responds,"That's the second thing I hate about Marines, they can't hear."

Then the first Marine demands that they take this outside.

Two minutes later the Army guy walks back into the bar unharmed. The bartender asks what happened to the two Marines.

The Army guy responds, "That's the thrid thing I hate about Marines, they bring knives to gunfights."

[fencingfrog]

Q. what's brown and sticky??


A. a stick!!! hahahaha!