Jokes. Need I say more?

[Grimman5000]

where would you find a pharaphelegic?

Wherever the hell you left him

[gojujay]

Originally Posted by Fencergrl

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural Canadian pub...

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.
"Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

To be quite honest Fencergrl, at that point, most guys wouldn't care

[Fencergrl]

Whew!.... I thought you were going to acuse me of trying to pass off what I did last weekend as a "joke".

[Black Jeebus]

If Christopher Reeve could be any actor who would he be?


Christopher Walken!

(alright so now he'd more likely like to be Christopher Not-dead but eh...)

(oh and brain trauma nurse told me that one)

[Zilverzmurfen]

A car was pulled over by a highway patrolwoman for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car.

"What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler" the man replied "I use those in my act."
"Well, show me" the officer demanded.

The juggler took out the machetes and started juggling them. First three, then more until he was tossing seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show in the breakdown lane and amazing the officer.

Just then another car passed by. The driver did a double take and said "My God, I've got to give up drinking -- look at the sobriety test they're giving now!"

[Fencergrl]

A mental patient saves another from trying to drown himself. The caseworker is reviewing his file. “Considering your files and recently saving another patient, I would say that it is safe to release you Mr. Dent. It’s a pity that the patient you saved hung himself shortly after you saved him from drowning.”

Mr. Dent: “He didn’t hang himself, I hung him up to dry”.



The same doctor was reviewing another patient’s case….

Doctor: “We’ve made great progress so far”
Patient: “What are you talking about??? I came in here Napoleon and 6 months later, I’m a no body!”

[Fencergrl]

Why did the blonde (I usually picture ZZ) spend 2 hours staring at an orange juice can?

Because it said “concentrate” on it.

[sabregrrrl]

Another blond joke:
How do you know when a blond has stuffed her bra with Kleenex?

You can see the outline of the box.

[Josephine25]

An Irish man, a German man, and a French man all walk into a bar and order a beer. There's a fly in every one the French man says "Mon Dieu, I cannot drink this." The German man flicks the fly out and downs the beer. The Irish man picks the fly up turns it upside down and says, "Spit it out, Spit it out."


It's funnier when said.

[Fencergrl]

A little Easter humour!
http://www.fencing.net/gallery/showp...to/810/cat/562

[jeff]

Originally Posted by Fencergrl

A mental patient ...

True story: person I once knew had a flat on a hill next to the asylum. While he had his car jacked up to change the tire, the tire's lug nuts rolled into a storm sewer. Now he figures he's stuck there. All along, one of the inmates has been watching from behind the asylum's fence. He calls out "Just take one lug off each of the other 3 tires, then each tire will have 3, and you'll be safe to drive home." The guy with the car looks at him in amazement - "Wow, how did you figure that out?!?". The answer, delivered with a scornful look: "I'm here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid".

[cornflower]

Originally Posted by Josephine25

An Irish man, a German man, and a French man all walk into a bar and order a beer. There's a fly in every one the French man says "Mon Dieu, I cannot drink this." The German man flicks the fly out and downs the beer. The Irish man picks the fly up turns it upside down and says, "Spit it out, Spit it out."


It's funnier when said.

Well... didn't you just say it?

[Josephine25]

The National Transportion Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with US auto makers for the past five years, wereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surpised to find that in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were "Oh, S**t!"


Only the state of Mississippi was different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this"

[Josephine25]

[quote=cornflower]Well... didn't you just say it?[/QUOTE/]



it's funnier when you can hear the accents.

[Josedariom]

knock knock
whos there
ach
achwho
bless you

[rac]

One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did."

They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.

Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand.

After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!"

[rac]

A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India.

One man he passed sported an enormous erection.

"Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted."Give this man 30 days
compassionate home leave."

"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replied.

A few months later the same thing occurred with the same
man.

"Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days
compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked.

A few months later, same guy, same problem.

The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this
man two compassionate home leaves?"

"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies.

"Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks.

The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."

[needle]

Nine out of ten men prefer women with large breasts.
The tenth man prefers ... the other nine

[needle]

English scientists designed a computer chip to become part of breast implants. The chip plays music when activated.
This addresses womens complaints that men like to look at their breasts, but don't listen to them.

[latenight]

Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world,
your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?" Arthur said, "Yep, that's me." God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?" Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but arent You the inventor of woman?" God said, "Yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."