Jokes. Need I say more?

[bmcfencer]

Originally Posted by needle

I guess it's very subjective. The joke that one person considers funny the other person will find extremely offensive (if I thought for a moment that G?F? was telling that joke just to tell a joke rather than to illustrate a point on offensive humor, she would be in my ignore list already).
The jokes people usually are not offended by are the jokes that the person aims at oneself.
My politically correct gentile friends ask sometimes if it's ok with me that they tell Jewish jokes. My reply invariably is that if they tell these jokes, I will consider them anti-semitic, but if I tell them - it's self-critizism This usually comes out as a joke in itself.
But think about it. If you hear ethnic joke from person of that ethnicity, would you consider it offensive? If anyone should find it offensive, it's the person who told the joke in the first place, so the joke they told is probably not something they consider offensive (doesn't mean that you can now go and repeat the joke, unless you belong to the same ethnic group, that is). Same with gay jokes, or jokes directed at any distinctive group, with the possible exception of idiots and people who are really, really ugly - the jokes about those groups are almost perfectly safe, since no one really identifies oneself as belonging to either

On the subject of how far is too far - I would never ever tell a joke about the Holocaust. And I believe that there are "too far" like that for any distinct group (ethnic, sexual, hair color, etc.) and that it is up to members of that group and no one else to decide where the boundaries are and to let them be known, if needed.

And in the attempt to keep the thread funny - a Jewish joke:
An elderly Jew comes to his Rebe for advice:
"Rebe, I just found out that my only son converted to Christianity. What should I do?"
"Well, that is a very difficult problem. I can't give you any advice now. I will talk to G-d and ask him - come back and see me tomorrow."
Next day:
"Well, I talked to G-d and he can't help you - he has the same problem."

Yes! I also love Unitarian Jokes. As in.....

How many Unitarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Unitarians don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in sleeping bags in church basements.


(couldn't figure out a way to add ** thingies to that to make it go under the radar- am I in trouble?)

Or...

How do you scare a Unitarian out of your neigborhood?

Put a burning question mark in their yard

Or....

What do you get when you cross a Unitarian and a Johovah's Witness?

Someone who knocks on your door and doesn't know why!

I could go on forever.....

[Saber-Psycho]

A blonde, a red head, and a brunette were walking on the beach when they found a magic lamp. They began rubbing it and genie came out and said, "You each may have one wish." The red head thought for a while and said, "Even though blondes are stupid, they have so more fun, I wish to be blonde." and she was turned blonde. The brunette agreed, "That's true, I really want to have more fun too, even though I'll be dumber, I wish to be blonde" and she became blonde also. The blonde looks at the two other blondes and said, "I just don't think I have enough fun. I don't care if I becomer even more dumb, make me more blonde, woo!" So the genie granted her wish and made her a man.

[D'Art]

An intelligent man, an intelligent woman and Santa are walking down the street when a £10 note blows onto the pavement they're walking at. Who picks it up?

The intelligent man - the other two don't exist.

[Goofy]

It's been reported that the personal fencing trophy room of Rene' Roch was broken into last night, and the most valuable contents of the room were stolen.

Police are looking for someone with a green carpet.

[Goofy]

How would you kill Rene' Roch when he's drinking?

Slam the toilet seat on his head.

[sabreur]

They're Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.

So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
"What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.
All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.

The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"

[Larrison]

One of the few "smart Blonde" jokes..

One day this well dressed, very good looking comes into a bank in mid-town Manhatten, and asks to see the manager. Looking blank, she states she would like to borrow $10,000 so she can go shopping in Paris. She's well dressed in expensive clothes, and explains she's short on cash and needs a quick loan.

The bank manager, thinking he can make some money from someone who isn't familiar with finance, asks "We can make you the loan, but we'll need collateral to loan you the money."

The blonde replies, "Well, my ex-husband left me with his new Ferrari, and its parked outside. Will that work?"

A quick check by the manager shows there is a new, bright Red Ferrari parked outside the bank which matches her description. So in exchange for the key and registration for the car, he draws up a personal loan for her for $10,000 which she signs.

She catches a taxi to the airport, while the manager has the car taken to a secured storage area, and rubs his hands thinking about such a dummy she was to put up a $60,000 car as collateral for a shopping trip.

A week later, she arrives back at the bank and asks about her car.

The banker arrives and says "We have your car, but if you want it back, you'll have to replay your loan, plus interest." Consulting a calculator, he calculates "You'll owe us $10,000 plus $23.07 in interest".

She smiles and takes out $10,000 in cash, repays the loan and adds change for $23.07 in interest, and accepts the registration back while the bank manager calls someone to bring the car up outside the bank.

While the car's being brought up from secured storage, the manager asks her "Did you realize that there were other ways of borrowing money? And That you didn't need to put your car up as collateral if you had given us more time to work on your loan?"

The blonde smiles, and prepares to get into her car. "Well yes. But then, how else can I get parking in a locked, security area in Manhattan for a week for only 23 dollars?"

[Goofy]

Q: Did you hear that the French Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?

A: They had a special collection of FIE photos, one featuring Rene' Roch - folks couldn't figure out which side of that one to spit on.

[Fencergrl]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmotoys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm.
Well Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for
herfirst day promptly 8:00 a.m. The next day at 8:45 there is a knock at
the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws
open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that
she
is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire
production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two
men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is
so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and
they're
really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me
Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small
marbles.

The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps
it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between
Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes
of hysterics he pull's himself together and approaches Lena. Barely
able to keep a straight face, he asks, "Exactly what do you think you are
doing?"

"I'm sorry", he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
yesterday......your
job is to give Elmo two test tickles".

[PeterGustafsson]

Hi!


This is not a joke per se - it is a true experience, but I think it is funny, so I post it anyway.

A few years ago, my neighbors in the apartment that shares a wall with us were the cause of the this story. At the time, my oldest boy was six, and the boys in his kindergarten had been talking a lot about monsters lately - some TV show had prompted the interest.

The neighbors obviously had a passionate marriage, and since the wife was a screamer, we got to share, so to speak. On several occasions I had to raise my voice when I was speaking to my wife - in our apartment - to get over the din. They were also quite predictable - it would start every Tuesday evening 22:00 sharp, and a few other nights, also 22:00 hours sharp. Everytime, it would follow the same pattern. The screaming would start in one bedroom, then move to another, and finally end up in the bathroom inbetween those two bedrooms. (We shared walls with all those 3 rooms.) Once in the bathroom, things would really pick up. Again, a predictable pattern - one would hear one person banging against the porcelain sink, the woman scream her head off for a long continuous time, and someone banging/kicking the bathtub, which sounded like a huge and bad cymbal. Considering that we knew the layout of the bathroom, we could figure out that there was some seriously complicated position going on. Suddenly, she would scream to put a WS fencer to shame, and the man would growl like something out of a horror movie. Sudden silence after that.

This time, my boy was awake late - he has always been quite the nightowl. He heard the screams, but not know what to make of them. He was obviously quite concerned, and finally asked me: Dad, is that a monster??? I waited a moment, and replied: Well, if it is, I am here and can defend you. With that answer he was satisfied, and fell alsleep shortly thereafter. I did not feel like explaining what was going on right then and there.

The day after I went down to the clothes-washing room which is common to all apartments in that house, and met Mrs. passionate herself. I looked at her, she looked at me, and I had a real trouble trying to keep a straight face.



Have a nice time!

Peter Gustafsson

[Araznal]

Originally Posted by PeterGustafsson

...They were also quite predictable - it would start every Tuesday evening 22:00 sharp, and a few other nights, also 22:00 hours sharp. Everytime, it would follow the same pattern. The screaming would start in one bedroom, then move to another, and finally end up in the bathroom inbetween those two bedrooms.

Does anybody else think that this by itself is quite funny? Can you imagine this couple? "Ok, honey, it's 10:00 pm, let's see what I have written down in my planner... ok, I see, it's time for kinky sex. What do you mean it's not Tuesday? Well can't we do it anyway? What do you mean, 'alright...'? Whatever, let's just start this, it's almost 10:01"

Sounds like that marriage already has some issues.

[jeff]

They do sound a little programmed... Anyhow, here's a new joke:

A guy is driving around Tennessee, and he sees a sign in front of a house, "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."

"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did ANY of that (stuff)."

[Fencergrl]

Originally Posted by Araznal

Does anybody else think that this by itself is quite funny? Can you imagine this couple? "Ok, honey, it's 10:00 pm, let's see what I have written down in my planner... ok, I see, it's time for kinky sex. What do you mean it's not Tuesday? Well can't we do it anyway? What do you mean, 'alright...'? Whatever, let's just start this, it's almost 10:01"

Sounds like that marriage already has some issues.

People go to bed at regular times; often sex is part of the routine... I find the moving around from room to room on a regular pretty funny however. Isn’t that just something you do when you first move into a new place is have sex in every room???

What I really think is funny is when Peter's boy moves out on his own and encounters his first screamer as a neighbour… “My god is that a monster???…. Wait a minute… that sounds like sex! ... I didn’t know monsters had sex!!!!"

[jeff]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your parrots over to my house and we'll put them in the cage with them.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:

"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,

"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

[D'Art]

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

[Goofy]

Rene' Roch's wife had had enough and wanted him locked up. She went to the police station and told the desk sergeant, "Please help, my husband has been hitting me."

The police sergeant advised her, "Madam, don't worry. Just start wearing a lame' - with the new timings I guarantee he'll never hit you."

[needle]

Iranian president calls his foreign minister:
"Listen, these infidels are really getting on my nerves with their noise about our nuclear program. Can you do something to distract them?"
"Nothing's easier, Sir. Remember we were laughing our asses off looking at those Danish cartoons?"
"Ah, good idea!"

[Fencergrl]

For you science geeks....

Two atoms were walking down the street one day and one of the atoms says to the other, "Hey, I think I lost an electron!"

The other one asks him if he is sure he has lost one. He says, "Absolutely! I'm positive!"