04-06-2005, 11:28 AM
|
#1 | | Senior Member
Join Date: May 2003 Location: UK
Posts: 1,565
| Fancy a giggle?
Got this from a friend - crying with laughter! Hope you enjoy it too!
ELEMENTARY BIBLE SCHOOL TESTS
Pay special attention to the wording and the spelling. If you know the Bible even a little, you'll find the following hilarious!
It comes from a Catholic Elementary School Test. Kids were asked questions about the Old and the New Testaments.
The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched nor corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
__________________
Louweasel
"I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from" [Eddie Izzard]
"she might not look like much, kid, but she's got it where it counts"
| 
|  | | And now for this message... |
| |
04-06-2005, 11:35 AM
|
#2 | | Senior Member
Join Date: May 2000 Location: The Reflecting God
Posts: 3,990
| perfect!!! | |
| | |
04-06-2005, 11:53 AM
|
#3 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: South Carolina über Alles
Posts: 2,608
| haha, I love it!
__________________
RebelFencer's Awesome Quote of the Week:
"Encouraging the average age of first intercourse to go below 16?"
-Army Fencer
| |
| | |
04-06-2005, 12:31 PM
|
#4 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 685
| ...i don't see anything wrong with it...??
__________________
The sweet is never sweet without the sour.
| |
| | |
04-06-2005, 12:49 PM
|
#5 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Milwaukee, WI
Posts: 338
| that's funny. 
Little kids do say some silly things.
I remember from my elementary school one of our all-time favorite test answers defined Irrigation as "The bringing of water to dry pants".
Also, in geography, stories of the mythical warrior riding the Panama Camel defending himself with the Canadian Shield, etc.
But these are funny. How old are the kids? | |
| | |
04-06-2005, 01:00 PM
|
#6 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 1999 Location: Grand Rapids, MI, USA
Posts: 2,993
| My favorite was always the crayon drawing of Joseph and Mary in an airplane during the Flight into Egypt. A third person was drawn sitting in the front; when asked who that was, the child replied, "That's Pontius Pilot".
__________________
Nothing is more frightening than ignorance in action. | |
| | |
04-06-2005, 01:35 PM
|
#7 | | The Judge
Join Date: Feb 2003
Posts: 4,308
| #19 may become my new sig | |
| | |
04-06-2005, 02:09 PM
|
#8 | | Din Älskling
Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Somewhere inside your head. Or am I?
Posts: 4,196
| A couple of those take a few seconds to hit.
3. Lots Wife Was A Pillar Of Salt During The Day, But A Ball Of Fire During The Night.
17. Jesus Was Born Because Mary Had An Immaculate Contraption.
__________________
"Since when does being a patriot in America mean shutting your mouth?"
---
zz,zz,zz,zz,zz,zz! | |
| | |
04-06-2005, 11:24 PM
|
#9 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Philly/Bostonish
Posts: 198
| These are amazing...I've started annoying my friends by pasting them and the link into AIM conversations. They remind me of that book that's basically the same thing but with really dumb college (and maybe high school) kids...
__________________
"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be: and if it were so, it would be: but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic."
| |
| | |
04-06-2005, 11:33 PM
|
#10 | | Senior Member
Join Date: May 2004 Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 303
| OMG- thank you for posting that- my girls go to Catholic school - and I find this to be hilarious..
__________________
You can train for strength & speed but heart must come from within.
Bartender- drinks all around!
| |
| | |
04-06-2005, 11:36 PM
|
#11 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: MA
Posts: 7,459
| Quote: |
Originally Posted by Louweasel 7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
|
I'm pretty sure, judging by taste, that unleavened bread actually isn't made with any ingredients. Just...cardboard...or something. Flavored cardboard, but cardboard nonetheless. | |
| | |
04-07-2005, 06:08 AM
|
#12 | | Curmudgeon-in-Chief
Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Somewhere in your nightmares!
Posts: 23,475
| Quote:
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
|
Heh. They're funny 'cause they're true.... | |
| | |
04-07-2005, 08:56 AM
|
#13 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2000 Location: Michigan
Posts: 1,261
| Kids say the cutest things. Gotta love their innocence, especially when making mistakes. My favorites are the bloopers found in church bulletins. I mean, I know they're done on the fly sometimes, but before you make any copies, PROOFREAD. One time at my own church, we were going to have a picnic. The bulletin read, "Bring your own meat. Girls provided." I'm very glad I read it before the service actually started.
Anyone else watch Jay Leno's Headlines? Usually on Monday nights. Talk about funny.
__________________
"Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind."
-- Rudyard Kipling
| |
| | |
04-07-2005, 09:35 AM
|
#14 | | Curmudgeon-in-Chief
Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Somewhere in your nightmares!
Posts: 23,475
| The wedding announcements are my favorites.  | |
| | |
04-07-2005, 10:02 AM
|
#15 | | Senior Member
Join Date: May 2003 Location: UK
Posts: 1,565
| We don't have Jay Leno. He's a chat show host isn't he?
__________________
Louweasel
"I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from" [Eddie Izzard]
"she might not look like much, kid, but she's got it where it counts"
| |
| | |
04-07-2005, 10:59 AM
|
#16 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 1999 Location: Australia - various
Posts: 2,756
| Quote: |
Originally Posted by Louweasel We don't have Jay Leno. He's a chat show host isn't he? | Lou try one of the sat channels, or Chanel five used to have him IIRC....
__________________
You may love me but you dont accept me. I dont want your love without your acceptance. | |
| | |
04-07-2005, 11:05 AM
|
#17 | | Senior Member
Join Date: May 2003 Location: UK
Posts: 1,565
| Quote: |
Originally Posted by Zelda Lou try one of the sat channels, or Chanel five used to have him IIRC.... | He's not on Channel 5 at the mo. And I haven't got satellite tv - that costs money! No cabel either - yes, I survive with 5, that's five, count 'em, tv channels.
So I will have to live without this shadow Leno character...
__________________
Louweasel
"I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from" [Eddie Izzard]
"she might not look like much, kid, but she's got it where it counts"
| |
| | |
04-07-2005, 11:36 AM
|
#18 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: London
Posts: 502
| Quote: |
Originally Posted by Moonitic Kids say the cutest things. Gotta love their innocence, especially when making mistakes. My favorites are the bloopers found in church bulletins. I mean, I know they're done on the fly sometimes, but before you make any copies, PROOFREAD. One time at my own church, we were going to have a picnic. The bulletin read, "Bring your own meat. Girls provided." I'm very glad I read it before the service actually started.
Anyone else watch Jay Leno's Headlines? Usually on Monday nights. Talk about funny. | A favourite of mine, I came across some time ago with reference to a jumble sale [slightly misremembered] "The ladies of the parish have cast-off clothing of many kids and can be seen in the parish hall on Saturday from 1pm".
__________________
I caught this morning morning’s minion, king-
dom of daylight’s dauphin, dapple-dawn-drawn Falcon, in his riding
Of the rolling level underneath him steady air, and striding
High there, how he rung upon the rein of a wimpling wing
In his ecstasy! then off, off forth on swing,
As a skate’s heel sweeps smooth on a bow-bend: the hurl and gliding
Rebuffed the big wind. My heart in hiding
Stirred for a bird,—the achieve of; the mastery of the thing! | |
| | |
04-07-2005, 03:00 PM
|
#19 | | No, your mom's a lemur
Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: None of your Damn buisiness! Or California.
Posts: 2,830
| | |
| | |
04-07-2005, 04:06 PM
|
#20 | | Armorer
Join Date: Jan 2000 Location: Milwaukee, WI
Posts: 1,624
| Quote: |
Originally Posted by Louweasel
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS.
| Guinessis- one of the books than ended up getting left out of the Old Testament canon. Reads like Leviticus, except it's all related to the thou-shalts and thou-shalt-nots of getting the perfect draw from the tap ("Nor shalt though serve it chilled like some cheap-***, watery American lager, for that is an abomination unto my eyes").
__________________
"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by."
-Douglas Adams
| |
| | | Thread Tools | | | | Display Modes |  Linear Mode | 
Posting Rules
| You may not post new threads You may not post replies You may not post attachments You may not edit your posts
HTML code is Off | | | All times are GMT -4. The time now is 12:17 PM. |
