Jokes

[Tazz]

A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, "How did you lose your leg?"

The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about you hand. Did you lose it at the same time?"

"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?"

The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked: "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"

The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!"

[Alain]

Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
A: Nobody knows, it's never been tried before.

Hope I didn't upset anyone...

[telkanuru]

One for Inq.

Two classics professors are having a nice lunch in an Oxford cafe. When the waiter comes to take their orders, one man asks for what wines they have.
"Well, sir," says the waiter, "we have your French white, and a brand Haec, as well as some red wines from Italy."
"Very well, I shall try this 'Haec'.", replied the scholar.
"Haec like the Latin?", asked his colleague.
"Haha, yes, hic, haec, hoc, huius, huius, huius, et cetera et cetera wot wot.", replied the first man.
The waiter left and when he returned later with the meals, there was no wine to be found.
"Waiter, where is my wine?", inquired the first scholar.
"But sir, you declined it!"

Ba-dum crash!

[foildad]

A guy goes up to a airline ticket counter staffed by a large breasted woman. He means to say "I'd like two tickets to Pittsburg", but it comes out "I'd like two pickets to Tittsburg". He tells his buddy about it.

The buddy replies: Oh, I know exactly what you mean. I did the exact same thing this morning. I was sitting across the breakfast table from my wife, and I meant to say "please pass the Post Toasties", but it came out "you miserable b*tch, you've ruined my life".

[Zilverzmurfen]

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The Abbot says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you certainly have a point there. I'll check it out."

So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. Eventually the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall. His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

In a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate, not celibate!"

[D+F+P=Hadouken!]

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Go F#ck yourself.

-Carl Hanratty

[KShan5[PrFC]]

Why was Hellen Keller such a bad driver?






Cuz she was a woman.

[Saber-Psycho]

Mafia Christmas

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.
He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."

[Westley]

One day three men got stuck on a island that was inhabited by cannibals. The cannibals caught them and told them to retrieve 10 fruits from the forest and bring themn back. The first man returned with 10 apples. The cannibals then told him to shove all 10 apples up his butt without making any facial expressions, so the guy put 3 apples up his butt then he flinched so the cannibals ate him. The second guy returned with 10 blueberries. He shoved 9 blueberries up his butt and began to laugh so the cannibals ate him. The first guy and the second guy met up in heaven asked him why he laughed. The second guy replied:






I saw the third guy coming back with Pineapples!

[Zilverzmurfen]

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to wash his hands and feet.

"Nurse...",he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies: "I don't know, I'm only here to wash
your hands and feet."

He struggles again and asks the nurse again : "are my testicles black?"

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one
hand and his testicles in the other, takes a close look and says there's
nothing wrong with them....."

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies: "That was very nice
what you just did. But please, for the last time...are-my-test-results-back!?"

[LordTofuDog-jnr]

GREATEST JOKE EVER:

ARGH is not the Eskiv champion anymore!

(Ignore me it's a taunt to my friend)

[KShan5[PrFC]]

Did you hear about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend??




Think about it

[foildad]

Did you hear about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend??




Think about it

That was good. How about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac, who stayed up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

[Zilverzmurfen]

A man brought his sick dog into the vets. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want a second opinion!"

With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador. The Labrador went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly.

After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Labrador sadly shook its head and barked. The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also checked out the poor dog on the table. As had its predecessor, the cat sadly shook its head and meowed. It then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The veterinarian handed the man a bill for £600. The dog's owner went berserk. "£600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"

The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, it would have been £50, but with the Lab report and the cat scan..."

[Rogue]

A bear and a rabbit were taking a sh!t in the woods.
The bear asked the rabbit,
"Do you have trouble with sh!t sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit replied,
"No."
So the bear wipes his a$$ with the rabbit.

[ReverseLunge]

What word starts with "N" and ends with "R" that you never want to call an African American?



neighbor