The UK Government Response to US Election Result 2004

[jeff]

(This one pops up every 4 years like clockwork, but still funny My editorial asides in blue).

From: Her Majesty's Government
To: The citizens of the United States of America
Subject: The UK Government Response to US Election Result 2004

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thusto govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next yeartodetermine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Thenlook up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. (So, "em" and "erm" are better?) Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize". (Lotsa luck with that, their empire has even more money)

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. (Well, at least it's easier to sing)

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". (It's a fair cop) This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion. (Tireur gets something out of this part, at least)

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. (Us too)Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.

Queen Elizabeth (you must learn to address me as Ma'am)

[pkt]

My changes and additions are in red.
It is a fact that only 17% of Americans own passports.
PK



The UK Government's Response to US Election Result 2004

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

(This one pops up every 4 years like clockwork, but still funny My editorial asides in blue). Jeff

From: Her Majesty's Government
To: The citizens of the United States of America
Subject: The UK Government Response to US Election Result 2004

In light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves two elections in a row, We hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which we do not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. Your Constitution shall be revoked. Henceforth the British constitiution shall hold sway. Your president's new title shall be Governor General, and your State Governors Lieutenant [pronounced as 'lef-ten-nant'] Governors. They shall be appointed by the Prime Minister, with Our approval. They shall be Our representatives. They shall act on Our behalf.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Colony, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "-ize" will be replaced by the suffix "-ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. The word "route" shall be pronounced to ryhme with "root" [as in the original French word or as in the TV series "Route 66"] not as "rout".

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. (So, "em" and "erm" are better?) Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show or any other TV show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize". (Lotsa luck with that, their empire has even more money) The correct date format shall be either the preferrred dd/mm/yy or the metric yy/mm/dd as approved by the International Postal Union. We shall let Microsoft know on your behalf on this matter also.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

Henceforth you shall stop swallowing your tongue whenever the letter "R" appears in a word. Those failing to do so shall be made to swallow their tongue for good one last time.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. (Well, at least it's easier to sing)

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. [Even the Canadian "football" is a lt more exciting.] The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys.

You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. Henceforth offical holidays shall be known as Bank holidays. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new Bank holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day". A new Bank holiday on the second saturday of June will be added to honour Our birthday.


9. All American cars and motorcycles are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". (It's a fair cop) This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion. (Tireur gets something out of this part, at least)

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. (Us too) Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.

Elizabeth R (you must learn to address Us as Ma'am)

[L.O.A.S.]

Well, would you like to know what you'd be without us, the good ol' U.S. of A. to protect you? I'll tell you. The smallest *#@!* province in the Russian Empire, that's what. So don't call me stupid, lady. Just thank me.

Otto West, Former CIA Agent
A FISH CALLED WANDA

[ls14evar]

Yah, just try it. We'll kick your *** again.

[pkt]

Cool it guys. I know this may be a sensitive point for you - like the tooth that needs more enamel. This is all in jest and good fun. Drain the vitriol.

PK

[ls14evar]

Cool it guys. I know this may be a sensitive point for you - like the tooth that needs more enamel. This is all in jest and good fun. Drain the vitriol.

PK

Oh I know that. If it wasnt clear, mine was as well.

[Schiavona]

If we become part of England can we have riots at sporting events, killing people and destroying things? Just want to know.

[davtsung]

I do think we should sort Canada out having been to hockey camp and seeing how much our neighbors to the North seem to blame Americans for a lot of sh-t.

England needs to worry less about American chips and learn to cook without boiling everything. Seriously, all those countries England colonized, and nothing done on the culinary front. Perhaps you guys were too busy running an empire to learn how to cook.

[Soldier]

Cool it guys. I know this may be a sensitive point for you - like the tooth that needs more enamel. This is all in jest and good fun. Drain the vitriol.

PK

And people have the audacity, after an article like that, to accuse the US of being arrogant. Sure, it's in "good fun". But what if an American wrote something like that - even in "good fun" - about any other country?

It's just like how in a movie, woman slaps man = funny, but man slaps woman = horrid.

[Inquartata]

Plus, it gets old after while. And the humor angle gets used as armor for some attitudes that are not entirely innocent.

"You're all morons! Ha ha, just a bit of fun!"

"You American idiots, ha ha, what, can't you take a joke?"

"Dummies! Ha ha! No, you can't take offense, because every time I insult you I say I'm just kidding, that makes my insults invulnerable to criticism! Ha ha, you stupid putzes, but again I'm joking!"

[Drifter]

Plus, it gets old after while. And the humor angle gets used as armor for some attitudes that are not entirely innocent.

"You're all morons! Ha ha, just a bit of fun!"

"You American idiots, ha ha, what, can't you take a joke?"

"Dummies! Ha ha! No, you can't take offense, because every time I insult you I say I'm just kidding, that makes my insults invulnerable to criticism! Ha ha, you stupid putzes, but again I'm joking!"

Since I got off a plane from the UK and Ireland yesterday, I think I can provide a bit of insight on this thread.

Inq is completely correct with regards to these types of insults veiled in humor. The person that wrote that piece of tripe was MOST CERTAINLY NOT just playing in Jest. He may have used the humor angle to voice his opinion but make no mistake, those were his true venomous feelings. There were are a great many people in the UK and Ireland who were only to happy to point out why my presence as an American wasn't welcome. There are MANY people in MANY parts of the world that are VERY UNHAPPY with us and are more than willing to tell us about it. This last trip marked the third time I'd been to Europe over the past 7 years. NEVER Before had I seen American hating graffiti in London or Dublin. I've seen it now.

That having been said, perhaps some of you may want to THINK about WHY the overwhelming majority of the world, including our staunchest allies are VERY unhappy with the States right now. Quotes about how we saved thier asses in WWII only go about as far as that tripe written above. Maybe it'd be a good time to start thinking.