Cruel Political Jokes - But they have to be Funny

[CutLass]

Famous Last Words

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.

Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.

The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall." He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"

[Philistine]

My favorite Bush joke:

George Bush is walking up the stairway of Air Force One, carrying a pig under each arm.

The Marine guard at the top of the stairway salutes and says: "NICE DAY, SIR!"

Bush replies: "Thank you Corporal, it is a nice day."

The Marine then says: "NICE PIGS, SIR!"

Bush replies: "Yes they are. I got them for Ashcroft and Rumsfeld."

The Marine then says: "NICE TRADE, SIR!"



--Philistine

[esskreemr]

I like to let the joke speak for him...errr itself:

"I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today. You're doing a heck of a job. You cut your teeth here, right? That's where you started practicing? That's good. He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me." —George W. Bush, Nashville, Tenn., May 27, 2004

"I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 25, 2004

"But the true strength of America is found in the hearts and souls of people like Travis, people who are willing to love their neighbor, just like they would like to love themselves." —George W. Bush, Springfield, Mo., Feb. 9, 2004

"The true strength of America happens when a neighbor loves a neighbor just like they'd like to be loved themselves." —George W. Bush, Elizabeth, N.J., June 16, 2003

"[W]hether they be Christian, Jew, or Muslim, or Hindu, people have heard the universal call to love a neighbor just like they'd like to be called themselves." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., October 8, 2003

"Then you wake up at the high school level and find out that the illiteracy level of our children are appalling." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 23, 2004

"This very week in 1989, there were protests in East Berlin and in Leipzig. By the end of that year, every communist dictatorship in Central America had collapsed." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Nov. 6, 2003

"The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the — the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Oct. 27, 2003

"I glance at the headlines just to kind of get a flavor for what's moving. I rarely read the stories, and get briefed by people who are probably read the news themselves." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 21, 2003

"I'm also not very analytical. You know I don't spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things." —George W. Bush, aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003

"First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren't necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn't mean you're willing to kill." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 19, 2003

[epeefencer74]

Not sure if this qualifies as a political joke.

George W Bush was out for his morning walk when he ran into Moses at a street corner, "Good Morning" said George to Moses, and immediately Moses turned and ran off in another direction. The next morning George was again out for his morning walk and again he ran into Moses at the same street corner. " Good Morning" said George even more emphatically to Moses, and again Moses ran off in the other direction. Now George was really upset and curious. So the next morning the same thing happen, this time George gave chase and caught up with Moses; "Why do you keep running off when I greet you every morning? " asked George. Moses replied " The last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years in the desert!".

[Tireur]

I

Now if I qouted Kerry out of context, you'd take exception.

[Maeve_Mari]

Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father are flying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." George Bush Senior says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

[Saber-Psycho]

A setback in Iraqi-American relations:

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the First button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.
Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"

Bush says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

[Max]

George Bush, Clinton, and Hilary, a boy, and his grandfather are all on air force one. It's going down and they can't stop it. They've tried everything, but still it's falling. There are only four parachutes, and one of them will have to die. Clinton grabs one and says to them "I have an appointment with a dominatrix at four I have to make." and he jumps off. Hilary watches and, grabbing a chute says "You'd think he'd get enough of that from me." And she jumps off. G.W. watches this and whispers "Well, I'm the Dominatrix." He grabs a backpack and he jumps off. The grandfather, old and somewaht blind, looks to his son. "I've lived a long, fruitful life. You jump."

And the son, with big blue, clear eyes, looks up at his father adnd says. "Don't worry father. It's okay. George Bush took my Backpack."

[esskreemr]

Now if I qouted Kerry out of context, you'd take exception.

Actually, in this context (funny slips), no I wouldn't. I looked for some Kerryisms on the web. Apparently we'll have to wait until he is elected President to get the materials.

The only Kerryisms site I saw was a few paragraph length quotes that attempted to "translate" what he was actually saying.

If you can find a list, with references, post it and I'll laugh with you...

[felicote]

in Kerry's convention speech I thought it was funny how he said that he would increase the number of people conducting terrorists operations.
He was supposed to say :
"We will add 40,000 active duty troops, not in Iraq, but to strengthen American forces that are now overstretched, overextended, and under pressure. We will double our special forces to conduct anti-terrorist operations. We will provide our troops with the newest weapons and technology to save their lives and win the battle. And we will end the backdoor draft of National Guard and reservists."
but he forgot the "anti-".

[neevel]

How about this?

[Max]

She is HOT!

[Saber-Psycho]

She is HOT!

[telkanuru]

*twitch*

[Inquartata]

in Kerry's convention speech I thought it was funny how he said that he would increase the number of people conducting terrorists operations.

I caught that too, though to be fair he did correct himself immediately.

He also said something about kids in Harlem suffering from "hair pollution". But I put that down to a possible regional accent or something of the sort...

[CvilleFencer]

My fiancée passed this on to me after I sent her some of Eskreemrs Bush quotes. Very funny stuff! Details and link below.

>The Sloganator http://homepages.nyu.edu/~meo232/sloganator/
>
> Earlier this month, the web site for the Bush-Cheney campaign-
>the real one, paid for by MBNA America and Richard Scaife-
>featured a "create your own banner" tool, where you could
> enter your own slogan and print out your own poster, with the
> Bush-Cheney logo and a note at the bottom "paid for by Bush-
>Cheney '04, Inc."
>
> Democrats and other Liberals, of course, couldn't get enough
>of this. The original sloganator accepted everything, then
>started censoring profanity and words
> like "Hitler," "dictator," and "evil."
>Nevertheless, some of the few clever liberals, exploited the
> sloganator to their own ends
>(before its demise only a couple of weeks after its birth),
> and its mourners assembled some of the best for the slide
> show.
>
> The link below is best enjoyed with the sound on:
>
> http://homepages.nyu.edu/~meo232/sloganator/

[Maeve_Mari]

My fiancée passed this on to me after I sent her some of Eskreemrs Bush quotes. Very funny stuff! Details and link below.

>The Sloganator http://homepages.nyu.edu/~meo232/sloganator/
>
> Earlier this month, the web site for the Bush-Cheney campaign-
>the real one, paid for by MBNA America and Richard Scaife-
>featured a "create your own banner" tool, where you could
> enter your own slogan and print out your own poster, with the
> Bush-Cheney logo and a note at the bottom "paid for by Bush-
>Cheney '04, Inc."
>
> Democrats and other Liberals, of course, couldn't get enough
>of this. The original sloganator accepted everything, then
>started censoring profanity and words
> like "Hitler," "dictator," and "evil."
>Nevertheless, some of the few clever liberals, exploited the
> sloganator to their own ends
>(before its demise only a couple of weeks after its birth),
> and its mourners assembled some of the best for the slide
> show.
>
> The link below is best enjoyed with the sound on:
>
> http://homepages.nyu.edu/~meo232/sloganator/

Oh wow this is hysterical. You have to wonder what they were thinking when they thought up "Write Your Own Slogan!"

I'd pay money to put some of those on my car's bumper!

[esskreemr]

My fiancée passed this on to me after I sent her some of Eskreemrs Bush quotes. Very funny stuff! Details and link below.

>The Sloganator http://homepages.nyu.edu/~meo232/sloganator/
>
> Earlier this month, the web site for the Bush-Cheney campaign-
>the real one, paid for by MBNA America and Richard Scaife-
>featured a "create your own banner" tool, where you could
> enter your own slogan and print out your own poster, with the
> Bush-Cheney logo and a note at the bottom "paid for by Bush-
>Cheney '04, Inc."
>
> Democrats and other Liberals, of course, couldn't get enough
>of this. The original sloganator accepted everything, then
>started censoring profanity and words
> like "Hitler," "dictator," and "evil."
>Nevertheless, some of the few clever liberals, exploited the
> sloganator to their own ends
>(before its demise only a couple of weeks after its birth),
> and its mourners assembled some of the best for the slide
> show.
>
> The link below is best enjoyed with the sound on:
>
> http://homepages.nyu.edu/~meo232/sloganator/

I haven't read it yet and I'm already laughing at the possibilities... good catch!

[Tireur]

My most recent Kerryism........

ABC News
I will stand up and struggle, as others have, to try to get that right balance between violence, and sex, and things. - John Kerry

Huh? What things?

[Craig]

How about this?

ROTFLMAO

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