I know what the problem is.

[ReverseLunge]

I now know what the problem is with young Christian men like soldier and myself... We are frustrated and bitter because they don't have girlfriends. It's all because we don't know the Christian method of dating. I hope this helps:


1. COMB YOUR HAIR
Head lice are very common among Christian men. Although it is a normal and natural blessing from God to have head lice, you should certainly wash your hair before your date if only for the reason to avoid the temptation of putting your arm around the young lady while lifting to scratch your head.

2. PRAY
Spend the day before your date with at least 6-hours of solitary prayer in a prayer-closet or a confined area. Ask the Lord to guide your words and actions. Ask Jesus to help you control your lust and pray that you will have a nightly emission before the date, thus making it easier for your carnal mind to operate on a level that is strictly spiritual. Do not masturbate in your prayer-closet unless you are thinking about Jesus.

3. SQUELCH YOUR PASSION
If you have not had a nightly emission before your date, make certain that you take extra precaution. Use an ace bandage or knitting yarn to tie your penis back against your stomach or underneath your anus. If you tuck instead of tie, make sure that the tip of your penis does not curl back far enough to enter your anus - otherwise you might accidentally sodomize yourself and inadvertently become a homosexual.

4. PURCHASE A RING
Visit a jewelry store and purchase a diamond ring. For the Christian man, every date is a potential mate. If she is the right gal, you will want to pop the question as soon as possible. It is always handy to have the engagement ring available.

5. RECITE VERSES
When you are on the date, use awkward moments of silence to quote scripture, or sing a favorite hymn. All women are impressed with such things. If she is not woo'd by this, it is a sign that she might be possessed by a demon. Take her to your church and drop her off by the back gate with a note to the pastor taped to her forehead. Be sure to secure her to a tree or post using chains or rope so that she won't get away during the night.

6. SPRUCE UP!
Wear Christian cologne. Rrub your face in a Bible until you smell like the pages.

7. TAKE HER TO VISIT GOD
The best place for a first date is church. Oh, how impressed your sweetheart will be when she finds out you are taking her to Sunday evening services! Then, a romantic dinner at Denny's!

8. GRILL HER FAITH
Use the time at the restaurant to find out if your sweetheart is really saved. Question her salvation at least 15 times. Make sure she knows the exact day and hour (and preferably the exact minute) she met Jesus.

9. KEEP THE PASSION SUPPRESSED
If the bandage work on your penis fails in the slightest bit, excuse yourself for the men's room and re-adjust the harnessing.

10. PRACTICE YOUR LINES
Some Christian phrases that will help you "woo" the lesser sex are, "I'm almost as crazy about you as I am about Jesus," "Your long hair is the glory of your humility (I Corinthians 11: 11-15)," and "God broke the mold when he made your sweet face."

11. AVOID TOUCHING!
Make certain that there is no personal contact (PC) on this first date. Even if she has said "yes" to marriage, it is highly recommended that you refrain from even holding hands for at least two years until the courtship is over and you are whisked away on your honeymoon!


Follow these dating tips for Christian men and you are sure to find a life partner that is suitable, submissive, and steadfast.

God Bless

[D+F+P=Hadouken!]

Omg this is funny. Kinda sick too. I'm not sure whether to smack this guy or give him a cookie. And the reason you cant get a date is because you got you boffer in an ace bandage. jeez.

[Katman]

Haw haw. It is to laugh. What horribly funny place did you find this?

[PeterGustafsson]

Hi!

Omg this is funny. Kinda sick too. I'm not sure whether to smack this guy or give him a cookie. And the reason you cant get a date is because you got you boffer in an ace bandage. jeez.

1. When DFP completely knocks someone in 3 succinct lines - then that says something.
2. The true ReverseLunge in a nutshell revealed, though I doubt that he had thought it out that way.
3. Once you get to the stage when the extra "garment" is revealed, then she will dump you, if not before.

Have a nice time!

Peter Gustafsson

[Army Fencer]

I now know what the problem is with young Christian men like soldier and myself... We are frustrated and bitter because they don't have girlfriends. It's all because we don't know the Christian method of dating.

Although humorous, he has a girlfriend. It isn't very kind to attach this message to him specifically. It would have come off a little better if you hadn't made the personal jab.

[D'Artag-NOT]

Gotta tell you, I'm a Christian woman who found this only moderately amusing.

[Zelda]

I personally dont find this funny at all. It may have been vaguely funny if you hadnt attached names to it.

[Darion McNair]

Kinda distasteful, I'll second that. Soldier has a girlfriend. I'm a Christian as well.....you need to work on your sense of humor buddy.

[Moonitic]

Well, Reversie...you did a good job of describing yourself & your inability to find a girlfriend. Don't know about any other Christian guy, though. Particularly Soldier, whose only similarity to you is the fact that you're both males.

[The0ne]

um. . .. "haha"?

[onesandzeros]

That's just about as bad as a jump to conclusions mat.

[frenzl]

i'm a christian and i think it was kind of funny not laugh out loud but i did think to myself, "this is mildly humourus." and every one that take offesnse to this should just relax abd take it for what it is -funny little harmless thingy.

[HillBilly]

i'm a christian and i think it was kind of funny not laugh out loud but i did think to myself, "this is mildly humourus." and every one that take offesnse to this should just relax abd take it for what it is -funny little harmless thingy.

Precisely what I thought.
Not "Laugh-out-loud" funny, but mildly humourous (sp?). . .

[Army Fencer]

i'm a christian and i think it was kind of funny not laugh out loud but i did think to myself, "this is mildly humourus." and every one that take offesnse to this should just relax abd take it for what it is -funny little harmless thingy.

I would agree, but he sent it as a personal attack on soldier. And I don't find that amusing at all.

[Zelda]

I would agree, but he sent it as a personal attack on soldier. And I don't find that amusing at all.

What Army said.....

[qatet]

I feel horribly misled - the title of this thread is the first line of a very good song. Every time I've signed on recently I've had this song stuck in my head, and been quite pleased, so I thought that I'd read the thread. Oh, how I wish that I hadn't!

[Schiavona]

Here's a clue, the thread was started by ReverseLunge. Note well.....