That's exactly what you need to work on though. It's one of those things; depending on your reaction to it, it shows how much you truly care. Does it matter enough for you to change it.

That's just it: I don't know.

You aren't happy with what you did, but it was your reaction. Everything you did was your reaction to the situation. Can you change that since you dislike it so much? Are you able to change it quickly, or will it take time? How much can you control your rage, especially under stress?

What do you mean?

So I pose you the question: Can you fix your actions? How quickly?

I know that. I do. And as I've said (one million times by now) I don't really care about everyone else's opinions. Only a few of these people. And their opinions of me right now are probably the worst.

I never said you did swear at him, I was just letting you know the line.

You can still only change the future. You want to convince them you aren't, make sure your actions are according to what you want them to see. Opinions of people tend to have the ability to change rapidly. Make the incident an anomoly, and people will see it as such.

...I didn't swear at him.


And really, like I said, the things I was most worried about were everyone thinking I was actually mad at him when I wasn't, and... well, one of my best friends was there. He was reffing too. He pretty much thinks I'm nuts now. And since his mom was on the BC, so does she.

Ha, yeah, I'd have to say I would have given you wierd looks had I been the ref, and possibly carded you variant on how obnoxious you were being(technically swearing at the ref is a black...). However, I wouldn't take it personally myself. As the ref my job is to be impartial, no matter what you do. And it's possible that the ref was seeing it wrong. My question would be: do you know what you need to do to make him see it how you thought it should be?

Thing is, what's the point of dwelling on it? All you can do is apologize, and move on. See if you can improve from it. If all you did was have a nasty attitude, then hell, most poeple will pass it off as you being a teenager. Sure, you'll get glares every now and again, and you know your mom is going to be annoyed, but she'll get over it, I assume. It's not like you hurt anybody by tossing your weapon. Half the point of doing a sport is learning self control. Although, seemingly fencing relative to others doesn't teach this as well...the whole screaming thing in general is pathetically immature, and the fact that people try to justify it mystifies me.

Anyway, if you really feel that bad about it, make sure you don't do it again. Screw anybody who holds it against you. If you fix yourself and they don't acknowledge it, they aren't worth your time. We have one guy in our division who is asking for a black card at almost every tournament. He should have gotten one a couple weeks ago, but unfortunately, one of his friends was the ref when he chucked his broken weapon into the wall full force in the middle of the bout. He continues to be enabled in his behavior instead of being held accountable, and it seems to just get worse. He is a nice enough guy off the strip, but a vindictive immature jackass on it. He's the only douche in the division that does the screaming fist pump in sabre. He's pretty good in it as well, and I'm about the only one that can beat him, which just makes it worse.

I guess my point is, if you don't like it, find the way within yourself to change it. There are multitudes of fencers, some even successful, that act just like you did. If you don't like it, make sure you aren't like them. You could do well, win tournaments acting like that. Then you could even get people to justify it. They'll say it's acceptable because you are winning. You just have to pick what you really want to be like in the end.

Well. Yes. I do rather enjoy telling manipulative jackasses where to go. But... this guy isn't one. Not really. He's probably in our state's top ten fencers, to be honest.


I was fencing a DE. I had already beat the girl in pools. (She's a girl from my club. We don't get along terribly well, but she's okay. She was having a bad day, so I knew I could take this DE.) I started out winning. Then... she caught up. I was trying to make my actions very clear but the kid--who was reffing us, obviously--wasn't seeing it. (And looking back on it, I know his calls were correct. I just wasn't fencing the way I should have been.) But I was pissed. I started screaming during this bout. It's a really bad habit I picked up a year or two ago, and have been battling for a while. I'd pretty much dropped it. Until this particular tournament. So I already have a bad rap for that. As for the bout... Like, five lights in a row that I was just positive should have been mine he gave to her. (And, again, the girl is a better fencer... it should have been her bout, in all fairness, and he, as the ref, did nothing wrong.)

Anyway, after the bout... I was just a total *****. A total *****. I Was telling him I could refuse to sign to scorecard and with this really nasty attitude was asking what would happen. (Even though I as well as everyone else knew damn well already what would happen... I'd be black carded and excluded from the event.) I did sign, though. Because honestly, I still hadn't done badly and I didn't want to be excluded.

But everyone had seen pretty the whole episode. My mom was pissed. My friends' moms think I'm a horrible influence now. My coach, not too happy with my behavior... But I don't care. Mostly I just feel bad about being so horrible to a perfectly nice ref who was just doing his job: calling things as he saw 'em. And now I'd be willing to bet that I'm not only pegged as the 'screaming chick' but the 'bipolar girl' as well. Which I am not.