The funniest story ever told.

I was asked as the last JO’s by the kids what the funniest story about the KOS organization was. You have to understand with the cast of characters that we have had there are a lot of stories that have happened over 25 years. I thought back and figured that I would tell them the t-shirt story. This happens to be my favorite and it’s always told to the newbie’s so that they can see where we have come from.

First, our schools in NY were in upstate not the city, so that means that we were about 4 hours away from Montreal. This was great for us because it meant that we got to go to at least one Canadian event a month because 90% of competitive fencing at the time was in Montreal. It still may the case I don’t know. Anyways the kids always looked forward to the trip and we took one if not two of the 5 15-passanger vans.

Another thing that we did at the time and still do is selling school t-shirts for school pride and to try and generate more money for programs instead of bake sales.

This particular trip we were going up north for the Can-Am. It is a combined US-Canada NAC that was always well attended and at the time you didn’t need USFA permission to be able to go to the event. So this trip was going to be myself, Dan Lianicona, Jay Choi, Mike Wardle, David Semanki and a couple of other kids.

The plan was that during the day I would run some errands and then I would pick up the kids after school and from there go north, check into the hotel and then wake up in the morning and fence. Easy plan, the same one that we had done once a month for the past two years, so we thought. My first errand of the day was to pick up the most recent batch of t-shirts that were done and distribute them to the various schools. As fate would have it we had a delay at the screen printers so that by the time the shirts were ready it was time to pick up the kids. So I packed the boxes under the seats and set off to get the kids. Little did I know that things could only go downhill from here?

So we pick up the kids the various schools and find out the we have to go back to the fencing school to make sure Barney is ok before we can go (Barney was Jay’s side kick). This caused us to get out of there about 2 hours later then we wanted so off to the boarder we go and we are reaching the boarder at about 11pm. No problem we would be there to get plenty of sleep and ready to kick butt in the morning.

As we pulled up to the board patrol (pre-9/11) he asked what reason to be in Canada are was, we told him a fencing tournament. He asked how long, we said that we would be there for the weekend, and where the event was. He asked us if we had anything to declare, we said no and then he asked if they could look in the van. I should have known at this request something was up. We had made this trip I don’t know how many times and this was the first time that they had asked to look in the van. I said sure no problem, we didn’t have anything to hide right?

So, at this time we pull over to the side of the building and a pair of customs agents come and inspects the van. The kids were asleep and groggy getting out and the agents started to look through the fencing bags and the kid’s luggage. Then they came over to me and started to read me my Miranda rights. I said “WTF!” They said that I had said I had nothing to declare when I crossed over the boarder, and that I had lied. I told then that was correct and what were they talking about.

Their response would cause us to be delayed for the next three hours. Well, the t-shirts in the boxes are obviously for sale and not luggage and the amount of equipment in the fencing bags was obviously for sale, why would anyone need 6 or 7 of the same type of weapon for a competition. They were talking about the foils. ****, we forget to unload the t-shirts in the school before we left and obviously none of these folks understood fencing, let alone the nature of foils.

So the next part was to have the two adults separated and the kids placed in a separate room. They started to ask me why I lied and who I was planning to sell all this KOS t-shirts to and who was going to buy all the fencing equipment at the competition. Jay was in the other room getting the same treatment but didn’t understand what was going on. When they asked him if we sold the t-shirts, he responded yes. Not realizing that they were talking about at the Can-Am not back in the states. Finally, the kids were in the other room with Dan. That was to be our true undoing. I had finally convinced the people that you needed a few foils in competition as per the rules and the nature of how often they broke. They were going to allow us to leave the t-shirt there and then the door to the interview room busted in with another agent.

“What else are you hiding” he asked.

I told him that I didn’t know what he was talking about when he said that he had been asking the kids if they knew why they were there and they said no. He told them that they were there because they had found the “smuggled t-shirts”. At this point Dan was true to form and said.” Whew, that was all you found thank God”. At this point I had to resist the urge to commit murder in Canada. Now they were not going to let us go I was now told that I could call a lawyer because now they were going to charge us with trying to smuggle t-shirts into Canada. It was now 1 am, what F*&^ing lawyer am I going to call?

At this time the younger of the two agents informs me that I can be represented by free legal consul. They point me to a room with a phone and I call the number listed on the phone. Have you ever talked to someone on the phone that you knew was reading from a flip chart or a script on a screen? Halfway through the lawyer by phone I interrupt and explain how I am up here to fence with kids at a joint US/ Canada event trying to earned national points ect……. Suddenly the person on the other end asked me to stop talking and asked if I was alone in the room, I replied, yes. She then says if you are their on “official USA business” I should ask to have the US embassy contacted immediately and refused to answer any more questions until a delegate is there to answer anymore questions. However, she pleads with me not to tell anyone that she advised that course of action.

I now leave the room and get my book bag which has the USFA confirmations in it. The younger agent comes up to me and ask me if I am ready call the kids parents to come get them because I am going to jail. I look her dead in the face and tell her we are here on official USA business with the USFA, hand her the registration forms and demand that someone contact the US Embassy immediately because they are hindering the kids ability to fence on purpose so that they get beaten by the Canadians”. A total look of horror hits her face. She stutters for about 30 seconds and now tells me that she has to get her supervisor.

About fifteen minutes later she shows back up with her supervisor and everyone is starting to apologize all at once. I am told that they have recently graduated a bunch of agents and this is there first weekend at the boarder and they are making sure that they know their job and that any little hint of wrong doing is punished to the full degree of the law. Great, we pick the weekend to come up when a bunch of newbie’s are guarding the boarder. After another hour of paperwork and apologies we are permitted to get back in the van and continue to the event.

As Dan gets into the van he has a **** eating grin on his face from one side to the other and says, well that was interesting. I give him the look that all our students fear more than death itself and tell him that if he tells anyone about this at the tournament I will make him walk back to Albany from Montreal. Everyone laughs in the van but Jay who is still very confused about what just happened.

Needless to say we check into the hotel very late get up to early and go to the venue. After we check in at registration I say hi to Gravel, Banos and Vidosa. As I am talking to everyone about things in the USA, Makela walks over to me and asks if I have any t-shirts for sale, cheap? I scream Dan’s name and start running after him as he hurries to hook up to fencing foil in his first match in his pool.

“Sorry Blake, I got to fence…….”