Last night, I dreamed that many of the veterans got together someplace not remembered for a clinic and informal competition for the primary purpose of preparaing for the world cup. Some of us, including me, who weren't going were also there and after fencing, we gathered in someone's house to watch videos and talk until after nightfall.

It was a weird dream in many ways that captured my bittersweet feelings. It's not that I want to go to Moscow; it's that I want to be fencing at the skill level needed to earn a place on that team. I'm not there and I'm not going to get there within the next two years I have in WSV50, and I have mixed feeling about that.

Two more years and I fence in the 60s age group and that is NOT a magic ticket to qualify for the world team. You still have to fence better than some very skilled and experienced fencers in that age group.

I am improving, learning new skills, and understanding the sport more every day. The problem is...so is everyone else.

Thus, like the Red Queen in Alice in Wonderland, who must run as fast as she can to stay in the same place; I must train as much and as hard as I can to stay in the same place.

Moving up? That's going to require even more than I'm doing now and I don't know where or how to acquire that extra "whatever it takes" to get to that point.