Some big fat inspiration I am. I can’t even inspire myself to get off my fat butt and fence. What a pansy.

I was planning all day long to go fence last night and by 7:00 I was so tired I did not want to get behind the wheel and drive the 13 miles to the club. I knew I would not move well and it might be a hazard for me to drive.

I am 36 days away from fencing in Chicago and I told my wife I am getting on that plane even if I don’t pick up a weapon between now and then. I need to prove something to myself, whether that is to sell my equipment on Ebay, move to the chair, or just grow even larger than I am now.

I am so freaking angry with myself. I hate my life. (I said that last night and it kind of unnerved DD) There is no other way to put it, I hate it.

I had a chat with the CEO yesterday again about what I can take and what I can do. My biggest fear all along has been letting these guys down. I promised him that I would tell him if I was over extended and he committed to telling me if I was showing signs of slippage. He does not want to be the cause of a major setback. I am of course a bit anxious about my MRI/MRA Saturday morning. After the last few times I have had my head scanned they always find something. I expect a potato sized something or other.

I just freaking hate my life. How do I “learn to let go and accept?” Arghh!!